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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To as what you would do? Go or stay at home?

7 replies

OooohhDeer · 08/11/2018 09:51

My partner and I are visiting one of his friends and wife this weekend. They live quite far, roughly 4 hrs from us. It's more of a trip for my partner as he made plans with his friend and I'd be sort of just killing time with the wife. Who is lovely btw, we're not friends but she is fairly easy going and can have a chat with her. We'd be there for 2 days, the wife has got work on one of the days and my partner and his friend already have plans what they want to do. And that's absolutely fine. It's something my partner has been excited about and I'm happy for him to do something with friends as he's been working his socks off. But ... I think he invited me because he felt he had to. I don't feel particularly welcome. I mentioned this to him a couple of times and he said it sounds like I don't want to go. I'm genuinely quite an awkward person, say the wrong things at the wrong times and I think my partner is often ashamed of me. I feel anxious already about the whole situation. It's hard because I'd need some reassurance from my partner that he would like me to go and that it will be fun. Instead I got a 'Do you want to come? And if you do just bear in mind me and X are doing this and this on the weekend ' at least he's straight forward I suppose... it's tricky though as we don't do much together. Don't really go on 'dates' anymore or out for a drinks. I always nag my partner (which is probably the worst thing I can do ) of what we should do on the weekends etc but he always says 'I don't know' He never makes plans with me and that hurts pretty bad. I have told him this but he'd just snap back saying I don't come up with anything so what's my point.

Bottom line, here is the weekend coming up. We could have a couple of days with his friends or I could just stay at home on my own and he can go on his own. What should I do ?

OP posts:
ladybee28 · 08/11/2018 09:59

Go.

It must be tough for you to deal with the feelings that come up for you around being 'awkward', and it also it sounds like your partner's a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place - if he doesn't invite you to do things then you feel unwanted, but if he does invite you, then you worry he doesn't mean it.... sounds like he can't really win.

He never makes plans with me and that hurts pretty bad.

This is him making plans with you.

If you don't go, it confirms to him that there's no point making plans with you. And if the friend's wife is chilled and easy to get along with, then you'll have an easy time of it.

Maybe this isn't your ideal idea of a 'date' with him, but it's a start. And the more you say yes and participate in his suggestions, the more reason he'll have to come up with them.

It'll be fun if you make it fun – if you turn it into a drama it'll be a drama.

What could you do / suggest (to contribute something to the weekend from your side) that would make it feel more exciting or relaxed for you?

Onestep2 · 08/11/2018 10:05

I would also go.

I agree with PP. and i think that it would cause more drama if you didnt go than just grit your teeth and get on with it.

once you are there you will enjoy yourself. Can you take a book or plan something on the day the other wife if working so that you are showing inititive and giving ur DH the impression that you do want to be there?

TheSandgroper · 08/11/2018 10:40

Go. Research the area and find something to do for yourself and do it. It will satisfy you and give you dinner conversation in the evening.

OooohhDeer · 08/11/2018 11:03

That's all great advice here, thank you! You all made some good points so I will pull myself together and try my best.
Do you think it would be bad manners if I took laptop to do some work while the friends wife is at work and my partner and his friend is doing whatever they planned?

OP posts:
ladybee28 · 08/11/2018 11:24

Not at all, OP – if nobody's around it's perfectly reasonable to do whatever you like Smile

ladybee28 · 08/11/2018 11:25

Although @The Sandgroper has a great point with this and give you dinner conversation in the evening.

Is there anything more fun than work in the area you could go check out?

Ragwort · 08/11/2018 11:30

Personally I wouldn’t go but I’ve been married 30 years & we frequently do our own thing at weekends and our friendship groups are quite separate so we both feel comfortable with how our social life is, I appreciate it wouldn’t work for some couples. But it sounds like you actively want to spend more time with your partner, so you need to come up with some positive suggestions.

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