Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a really vicious thing to do?

51 replies

Auldspinster · 08/11/2018 09:20

My best friend from school cut me off without an explanation just over a year ago after 30 years of friendship. I’ve been somewhat baffled by it but figured she had her reasons as she’s had a tough few years with a messy divorce and custody issues. I’ve sent a couple of texts and 1 email (this is relevant to what has happened) over the year just asking how she was and if I’d done something to upset her I was sorry.
Fast forward to last Saturday and I was chatting with my brother who mentioned he had an Instagram account but I forgot to get his alias to follow him and did a search through my contacts. I didn’t initially recognise one of the contacts who flashed up from the thumbnail so I clicked on the account and the penny only dropped as to who it was when there was a picture of concert tickets for a fairly obscure band we both like.
Against my better judgement i sent a message saying I wouldn’t follow her or message her again but I hoped she was doing ok. No response, which wasn’t a huge surprise.
I happened to click on my direct messages to respond to another person and noticed that the ‘friend’s’ alias had changed to ‘beingcyberstalkedby auldspinster’ and had put my full name and location in her bio claiming that I’d been continuously cyberstalking her and that I need psychiatric help. I immediately blocked her and reported the account to Instagram for bullying and harassment – they’ve been absolutely useless and say it doesn’t violate their standards. I tried another complaint to them that it’s slander and my personal details have been disclosed but they say it’s nothing they can help with.
I know that it’s her that has the problem but I can’t help being hurt by the vicious way she’s gone about it. All she needed to do was block and ignore. We have so much shared history and my memories feel tainted now. It annoys me at how much Its affected me.

OP posts:
whitewallflowers · 08/11/2018 09:23

She sounds like she is being a bit unreasonable but equally I think you just need to stop trying to talk to her now.

Auldspinster · 08/11/2018 09:23

I did put this in paragraphs, not sure why it's they've been squished together. Fixed it

My best friend from school cut me off without an explanation just over a year ago after 30 years of friendship. I’ve been somewhat baffled by it but figured she had her reasons as she’s had a tough few years with a messy divorce and custody issues. I’ve sent a couple of texts and 1 email (this is relevant to what has happened) over the year just asking how she was and if I’d done something to upset her I was sorry.

Fast forward to last Saturday and I was chatting with my brother who mentioned he had an Instagram account but I forgot to get his alias to follow him and did a search through my contacts. I didn’t initially recognise one of the contacts who flashed up from the thumbnail so I clicked on the account and the penny only dropped as to who it was when there was a picture of concert tickets for a fairly obscure band we both like.

Against my better judgement i sent a message saying I wouldn’t follow her or message her again but I hoped she was doing ok. No response, which wasn’t a huge surprise.

I happened to click on my direct messages to respond to another person and noticed that the ‘friend’s’ alias had changed to ‘beingcyberstalkedby auldspinster’ and had put my full name and location in her bio claiming that I’d been continuously cyberstalking her and that I need psychiatric help. I immediately blocked her and reported the account to Instagram for bullying and harassment – they’ve been absolutely useless and say it doesn’t violate their standards. I tried another complaint to them that it’s slander and my personal details have been disclosed but they say it’s nothing they can help with.

I know that it’s her that has the problem but I can’t help being hurt by the vicious way she’s gone about it. All she needed to do was block and ignore. We have so much shared history and my memories feel tainted now. It annoys me at how much Its affected me.

OP posts:
Auldspinster · 08/11/2018 09:23

I have, i got the message loud and clear and blocked her straight away.

OP posts:
DonaldDucksTowel · 08/11/2018 09:24

Tbh I think messaging her in every way possible after she’s made it very clear she’s not going to reply or talk to you is a bit much
What she did was unnecessary but you really need to let it go now

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/11/2018 09:26

It's not nice but tbh I'd roll my eyes and block her from all social media. Remove her contact details from your phone/email so you aren't tempted to contact her in the future.

You will likely never know why she dropped you like hot coals and it is a shame that 30 years of friendship has ended with no apparent reason but you can't force her to tell you why.

It might come to light in another 30 years,
It might not. But concentrate on making new friends for now.

Blanchedupetitpois · 08/11/2018 09:29

I agree that she has behaved badly but I also don’t think you should have messaged her on Instagram after she had already made it very clear she didn’t want to speak to you. that was a big violation of her boundaries. But I agree it doesn’t excuse her actions.

Auldspinster · 08/11/2018 09:29

I've deleted the contact details from my phone. It's posting my personal details on her profile that bothers me the most.

OP posts:
Penhaligon · 08/11/2018 09:30

It's a very immature thing to do and I imagine most people who read it will roll their eyes, especially if they know you and your character.
You've done all you can to try to maintain a friendship but now it's time to move on and forget about her.

user1457017537 · 08/11/2018 09:32

I think I would put a post mentioning her and her statement in my own instagram and shame her for the tool she obviously is. Explain her complete overreaction and how weird it is.

Racecardriver · 08/11/2018 09:33

She sounds unhinged. This probably constitutes defamation tbh. Take a screenshot in case you feel like threatening to sue for some reason.

ohlittlepea · 08/11/2018 09:33

She sounds awful 😔 sorry this happened to you xx

flamingofridays · 08/11/2018 09:35

if anyone needs psychiatric help its clearly her, just leave her to it. You're better off without her.

NancyDonahue · 08/11/2018 09:37

Yes I think it was vicious. She didn't bother to tell you she wanted to end the friendship and hasn't responded to any if your justified attempts at finding out what went wrong. You're well rid of her.

Don't forget to block as well as delete her number from your phone so you don't get her as a 'suggested' follower, and vice versa, on any social media. If you see her on anything, immediately block. That way you'll never be tempted to contact her and won't be nudged into thinking about her and having the hurtful feelings.

Not sure about the personal details on Instagram though. It does sound like something they need to sort out. Hope you get somewhere with that.

Auldspinster · 08/11/2018 09:40

Luckily I have good friends that wouldn't dream of doing something like that and i wouldn't sink to her level by retaliating.

Looking back she's been pretty rotten to me plenty times over the years but my self esteem was so low that i tolerated pretty abusive behaviour.

OP posts:
Biancadelriosback · 08/11/2018 09:41

What a cow! Christ it's clear she didn't want to talk to you but you sent her a nice message! If she didn't want you to contact her on Instagram then she should have removed you from there too. She should have just ignored you rather than being a bitch

MrsJane · 08/11/2018 09:42

Wow, she's being really nasty! Very strange behaviour.

All you can do is ignore now. You haven't done anything wrong but definitely walk away.

She sounds like she's the one with issues. If I saw that on someone's account, I'd judge them for it, not the person they've publicly tried to shame.

llangennith · 08/11/2018 09:43

Someone did similar to a friend and she contacted the police who got it withdrawn immediately.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/11/2018 09:44

OK maybe you shouldn't have messaged her but it's human nature to want to know why a 30 year friendship has been dropped. I know people ghost as they don't like confrontation. In some ways that's fair enough but it's not fair to accuse you of an actual crime on social media and would have been much less painful for both of you if she'd just given you an explanation.

One email, a handful of texts and contacting on instagram isn't stalking! Especially if she didn't explicitly say the friendship was over - you weren't to know she didn't just want some space for example, it would be normal under these circumstances to contact someone a few times til they got the message.

I don't know how instagram works but could you just delete your account or change your name or something so that the person she is saying is stalking her doesn't actually exist

Have you got any mutual friends you could ask to subtly have a word or call her out and say 'sounds terrible, post the proof on here' as she effectively won't have any and will either have to lie or look like she over reacted?

If she has named you in person rather than an instagram nickname as a last resort could you get solicitors involved, you haven't done anything wrong but she is accusing you of a crime so a letter pointing this out might help (might make her more crazy though )

redexpat · 08/11/2018 09:44

Thats really nasty. It's not you it's her. Flowers

UpstartCrow · 08/11/2018 09:46

I was also going to say contact the police. Instagram are useless, but if the police contact them they'll take it down. Its cyberbullying.

RiverTam · 08/11/2018 09:46

so she dropped you after 30 years with no explanation and now, after a very small number of attempts to get in touch or at least find out what you did wrong, she's now publicly accusing you of harassment and stalking? FFS, what a mare. And agree that Instagram need to sort that out.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/11/2018 09:46

Just seen your update, if she has behaved badly over the years chances are people will just take this with a pinch of salt and ignore

Auldspinster · 08/11/2018 09:49

I think i might send a screenshot to the police - it's my full name and the city i live in rather than my full address but definitely enough to identify me easily.

I wasn't looking for her and genuinely stumbled across her profile, it took me ages to realise who was in the (heavily photo shopped) picture.

My full name isn't on my instagram so i don't want to link her and her hateful nonsense to it in any way.

OP posts:
MrPoppysGF · 08/11/2018 09:50

You must have felt so shocked after reading that. It sounds like she lost the better friend, draw a line under that one; life is too short for crap friends.

bobstersmum · 08/11/2018 09:54

She sounds bonkers. If you've truly done nothing bad.