Feeling sad about my work situation vs DP's and left behind

[PoesyCherish]

Okay I know I'm probably being totally unreasonable here but need help on how to manage these feelings.

DP and I met whilst I was still studying. We both did the same first degree and he helped me out loads as somebody who'd been there and got the T-shirt. After finishing university DP started working for a local company, pretty much at the bottom in our area. He's now worked up the chain and has a fab job. He has a lot of responsibility and travels frequently - to Europe and the US.

I on the other hand finished university, took a slightly different track and really didn't enjoy it. The company I work for are shockingly bad, have no prospects and never travel - well I've been asked to travel for an afternoon once to another smallish UK town a couple of hours down the road.

I love the fact that DP is doing so well. I'm so proud of him and he's worked so hard to get where he is. But every time he comes home and tells me he's got yet another work trip (usually with relatively short notice), I immediately feel so sad. I think part of me feels left behind that he's got this amazing job and I'm stuck doing a job I hate. I want to feel happy for him and share his enthusiasm for going away. I want to have that responsibility and travel too. Instead I'm stuck at home whilst he's off around the world. I feel like a total bitch for having these feelings. I'm his DP, I should feel happy for him.

How on earth do I get over this? Unfortunately the kind of job he has I can't actually do because of my disability. I'm looking at retraining but even if I get on any of the courses it'll be years before I finish training and have any sort of big responsibility plus then retraining means we can't afford to travel as a family until I'd finish too. Several years is a long time to hold onto these feelings

Step one, you look for a job with a different, better company if yours isn't good. Nothing to stop you doing that now.
Is there a specific type of job you'd like, or would all sorts be fine as long as it was interesting / rewarding to you?

Is there a specific type of job you'd like, or would all sorts be fine as long as it was interesting / rewarding to you?

I've been doing a lot of volunteering and love what I've been doing there. Because of my lack of qualifications in that particular area, I'd have to start from the bottom again and either work my way up or get another qualification - hence the taking years to get to that point. I guess in an ideal world I would've gone down this route over 10 years ago but I had no idea what I wanted to do back then so just picked my study (a levels etc) based on what I was good at.

I think you need to make a determined effort to stop comparing. It isn't healthy (or normal tbh) to feel sad at a partners success. My DH has an interview at my dream company coming up, we are in the same industry but different occupations. If he gets the role I will be so happy for him.

I think you need to try and share and enjoy his successes whilst focusing on yourself and what you want to do.

I think you need to make a determined effort to stop comparing. It isn't healthy (or normal tbh) to feel sad at a partners success

I know. And tbh if we go down the comparison route, I'm really fortunate as to where I am in other ways in relation to where he was at my age if that makes sense. As he sometimes reminds me when I say I'm sad about my own situation. I'm not sad at his success. I'm proud of him and think it's amazing he gets to do all this stuff. I'm sad at where I'm at and I think it just highlights it if that makes sense? At interview and even before applying, my company made big promises and came across like DP's company - good prospects, travel etc but sadly as I'm learning, my manager either lied at interview or was naive as to the real situation (haven't quite figured out which way he is!).

In that case, I would start retraining for the thing you love asap. Yes it will take years, but if you start now you'll be finished sooner, rather than putting it off because it seems like a long time to wait, and meanwhile another year goes by, and another, and you'll still then have all the retraining to do, but you'll have spent even longer in a crappy unrewarding job

It does make a difference IMO to be moving in the direction you want, even if it takes some time. You're on the journey then. Don't know how old you are but I've known people who have retrained in their forties after twenty years of working life. And the upside of your partner doing so well is that hopefully he'll be in a better position to support you while you do this.

It does make a difference IMO to be moving in the direction you want, even if it takes some time

Yes you're right @Butterymuffin. I'm late twenties so even by the time I retrained I'd still have 30-40 working years left the way the pension age is going.

My dh was well on track in his career when we met and has always had a far more interesting and lucrative career than I have. However, I would not want the hours he works, the jobs he's had to do and all the stress that goes with that.

Fwiw with the travelling, it all sounds very glamorous, but I've been with dh on a couple of his trips and it is literally a morning at work, catch your flight, check into hotel the other end, grab some dinner, then go over your notes etc for the next day of meetings. Go to meetings, go to a hosted dinner, then brief your boss who has flown in at 2300. Do some reading for the next day, sleep, rinse and repeat, catch plane home. I've seen more of Prague, Bratislava, Copenhagen and Vienna than he has in all the visits he's had there. I get to look at the architecture and the shops and the art galleries, whilst he works.

Comparison really is the thief of joy, isn't it. If you don't like what you're doing, take steps to change it. And yes, it really is that simple!

What you do is a series of choices. No one is making you do that job. You don't have to go to work tomorrow if you don't want to. There will be consequences, but you don't actually have to!

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself and about what you don't have, put your energy into getting what you do want.

It’s normal to both be proud of where someone is but also to be jealous. Retrain.

I read a quote which is quite wanky but true nonetheless - don’t worry about the time your goal will take, the time will pass regardless.

Ok so you already know it's dissatisfaction with your own career path. Can you look for other opportunities in your current field? Just because you hate your current role doesn't mean there isn't a better version of this role/company out there that would work better for you. If you're at a large company, even moving team can sometimes change things significantly - particularly if the issues stem from your direct management.

@scaryteacher I've tagged along once and he barely got to see anything so I do understand the reality of it. He's been there about 4 x and I saw infinitely more than him in just my one visit. I was shocked when I realised how little he'd actually seen for himself.

No one is making you do that job. You don't have to go to work tomorrow if you don't want to. There will be consequences, but you don't actually have to!

I've been signed off by my GP so am not in work at the moment - thank fuck!

I do have an interview in a couple of weeks in the area I want to be in - at the very entry level. So I am holding on to that and hoping something comes of it. Think I may be pinning all of my hopes onto this one opportunity though.

Jealousy is extremely destructive and it will undoubtedly damage or destroy your relationship if you don't take control of your situation. After all, you're the only one who can. Find a new job, take more classes, whatever you need to do to get out of this mindset.

I think you have to find your own career path. I could never do what my dh has in a million years, as my skill set is entirely different, so whilst I could bemoan the fact that teaching never paid as much as being a nuclear submariner, I wouldn't have wanted the responsibility or the inherent danger of doing what dh did.

I retrained to teach at 35, with a 5 year old and dh working away much of the time. Not fun, but doable. If you want something enough, you will find a way to make it happen (apart from getting longer legs, I haven't worked that one out yet, and heels are not the answer).

Your post made me smile @scaryteacher. If only longer legs were possible (I'm only 5 ft)

That's so reassuring you retrained at 35! I'm not doing too badly retraining in my late twenties then - or trying to at the very least. How on earth did you manage it virtually on your own with a 5 year old?? That's amazing!

I'm 5'3, hence the desire for longer legs!

Retraining was hard, and I could have stayed in the job I was doing til I was 60, getting more and more bored and frustrated. I have a degree in Theology, so I retrained to teach secondary RE. It took a lot of juggling, sleepless nights and caffeine, but I did it, and emerged with a PGCE at the end.

Well done! RE teaching sounds really interesting.

Retraining was hard, and I could have stayed in the job I was doing til I was 60, getting more and more bored and frustrated.

Yes. Retraining does sound really difficult. I've often said to DP do I really want to spend a few years studying again. But the reality is without it I'll end up staying in the same industry I'm in now for the next 45 years or so getting more and more bored and fed up. Which is much worse than just sucking up the few years of retraining isn't it and accepting that it'll be really hard and money will be really tight but it'll be worth it for all of us.