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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you pay them all

24 replies

kateandme · 08/11/2018 01:38

so if you were organising a pub meal for your mums 90th.low key not a party just going to the pub.
invitied guests are family including dm cousins,neice,and a few second cousins.they aren't close.and she doesn't see them but possibly once a year and Christmas cards etc. so its more a case of reaching out to family so that people will come and celebrate if that makes sense.
so would you pay for everyones meal or is it UR to say everyone comes and pays for their own?and maybe get everyone a drink on arrival?
thanks for any help and advice.and sorry if this is so glaringly obvious what should be done!

OP posts:
SuchAToDo · 08/11/2018 01:44

All I'm going to suggest is if you invite people and are expecting them to pay for their own, then tell them before hand...e.g write it on the invite so there is no nasty shock when they get a bill they wasn't expecting ...also of everyone is paying for their own get the restaurant to do separate bills, it keeps it simple and stops the whole hassle of who had what, who pays for what, I'll.pay for this, you pay for that, he paid less than me etc...then each person pays for their own bill,

If some of the family aren't close and you and your mum don't even see them, why invite them..?..a celebration should be with the ones you love and care about..e.g close family, close friends, etc...not people who.you don't hear from and don't see...

ScreamingValenta · 08/11/2018 01:46

Unless the other relatives were really broke, I'd organise it as a 'let's get together for a meal' event rather than an invited event, and have everyone go Dutch.

If some couldn't afford that, I'd see if those family members who were better off could get together and organise a buffet type event, with food and a couple of drinks laid on.

AgentProvocateur · 08/11/2018 02:16

Yes, I’d pay for them all if I’d invited them to a meal as opposed to saying “Let’s all go out for dinner”.

DroningOn · 08/11/2018 02:33

If you can afford it (and don't if you can't) I'd offer to pay

Probably on the day another few guests may suggest splitting it 2 or 3 ways but splitting it between everyone is a little rude I think

Original poster
kateandme · 08/11/2018 02:34

thankyou for your replies.
how do you make sure people no they are paying without sounding rude?or we are going out here to her favourite place please come if you can.oh gosh I don't know whether they would assume we were paying now.
im not sure how it was first said.i think it was come down for a meal at her favourite pub.
suchatodo because she has no friends or close family :( and those far and wide spoke up and got in touch saying something should be done for dm's landmark birthday.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/11/2018 02:39

If you invite people to a party, you pay. End of.

TheSerenDipitY · 08/11/2018 02:51

id write a casual email/invite and say you are taking Mum out for her 90th and if anyone wants to come they are welcome, include a copy of the menu and wine list and say its reasonably priced so they should all hopefully be able to find something that fits their budget for lunch ( maybe put a few bottles of wine/bubbles out on the table if you are feeling generous)

DroningOn · 08/11/2018 02:52

If I'd been invited to a 90th lunch and it wasn't explicitly stated that I needed to pay my own way I'd assume without hesitation that the organiser was paying.

Sorry OP, unless you're prepared for a few slightly awkward clarifications I'd say you're picking up the bill.

abbsisspartacus · 08/11/2018 02:52

I would find out how much the food would cost and if I could afford it I would pay and everyone pay for there own drinks

AJPTaylor · 08/11/2018 03:05

If you have already invited/organised i would pop a copy of the menu out to them, and say " here is the menu, as you can see it's reasonably priced. I will be getting something sparkling for the toast and a cake."
I would not expect family/extended family to pay for me in these circs.

StoppinBy · 08/11/2018 03:11

Perhaps suggest to your Mum that instead of people bringing gifts that she probably doesn't want anyway they buy their own meal, while I know that most people will spend more on their meal than a present at least it gives you the line 'We ask that you pay for your meal instead of bringing a gift' to put on the invitation.

I would usually expect to be paying for myself if I went out for a meal.

You could also provide soft drinks and a basic red and white wine for each table and state that on the invite 'while we ask that you pay for your own meal soft drinks and wine will be provided to each table' or similar.

Original poster
kateandme · 08/11/2018 03:15

I wish id come here first.great replies thankyou all.
it was only after coming on here and seeing those awkward posts that I suddenly started to worry.and too late it seems...
because now we are really worried as no we cant afford to pay for everyone. :(

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 08/11/2018 03:25

Is there a few of ye who could get together to pay for others. Say her immediate family?
If you end paying for meal let people buy their own drinks as you are in a bar. That can often be the unpredictable bit.
I would expect to pay for myself and be happy to. I presume most people know ye are not well off so wouldn't expect a free meal.

TheSerenDipitY · 08/11/2018 03:35

i think as long as you tell them, preferably with the invitation, that its more casual and a pay for your self type thing most people will be ok with that and putting a few drinks out and a cake does offset cost for those who do come ( and if family hasnt bothered seeing gran more than once a year they shouldnt expect a fully catered lunch to entice them to "be family" IYKWIM)

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/11/2018 03:53

Great suggestions from SuchAToDo and TheSerenDipitY.

Also give the pub plenty of notice, they need to know if you are bringing a large party.

JeanPagett · 08/11/2018 04:01

You could send a cheery email a few days in advance explaining that you've arranged with the pub to do separate bills, so need for everyone to being change? That would give people the heads up that they're expected to pay for themselves.

To be honest given the invitations have already gone out I'd try not to worry about it. Worst that happens is momentary awkwardness when the bill comes, but I'm sure no one would be rude enough to make a fuss!

RebootYourEngine · 08/11/2018 04:06

If someone said to me that they were having lunch at a pub I would expect to pay for myself but then I never expect anyone to pay for me.

JeanPagett · 08/11/2018 04:33

*no need to bring change

Blush
Alfie190 · 08/11/2018 04:34

It feels like it is a bit too late to worry about this now as yu have already invited them. It really depends how the invite was worded as to whether people are expecting to pay or not. If it was put as a 90th birthday party then I would be expecting it to be catered but I pay for my own drinks. If it was please join us for dinner I would be more inclined to think I pay for myself. I don't really get why you needed to invite a bunch of people she has little to do with in the first place though, nothing wrong with just close family there.

Chottie · 08/11/2018 04:54

Can you circulate a link with the menu so people have an idea of prices and the menu beforehand? Maybe adding that the pub takes payment by cash, xxx credit cards etc....

If you had invited me, I would be expecting to pay for my meal. If you were hosting the event I would contact you beforehand and ask if I could bring a dish or wine with me.

Sciurus83 · 08/11/2018 04:57

It's only on strange mumsnet land where people seem to expect to be invited out for a meal and be paid for. I have never come across this in any of my social circle, friends or family. A party with a buffet would be paid for by the host, but come for a pub meal would definitely expect to pay. If you want it to be clear send the menu with prices before, see if there's a set menu and tell people the options. Often for a big meal a pub will want pre-orders anyway

Unicyclethief · 08/11/2018 05:41

Typically if you invite, you pay. But it’s her 90th! Amazing. I don’t think anyone would mind paying their own way to celebrate such a momentous occasion. Yes, maybe let people know, as it is a pub it shouldn’t be too expensive? I would provide a welcome drink and some champagne and birthday cake. I hope your mum has an amazing day!

NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 08/11/2018 10:10

I and all my friends and family would expect to pay for themselves. Particularly for a pub lunch. Don't stress, in mumsnet land the host pays for everything under every circumstance. That's not how it works in the real world. You might have the odd clarification to make but no one will care about paying their way its common sense.

Enjoy the meal Smile

TeddybearBaby · 08/11/2018 10:21

I wouldn’t expect you to pay! If you were having a party I’d probably expect some food to come out at some point but I wouldn’t expect you to pay for everyone for a family meal. I go out and celebrate birthdays in restaurants all the time, I don’t think anyone has ever paid for me. Have a nice time!

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