My wife cheated on me and I don't know what to do😪

[Andy1979]

I found out a few weeks ago that my wife had been seeing another man and had sex with him more than once.
Her recent behaviour made me suspicious, so I looked at her messenger page and there it was. Graphic conversations with him. It hit me like a bus and floored me. I never expected it or saw it coming. I confronted her and she tried to deny it at first but after realising I had a ton of evidence she admitted to it.
She says she is sorry and it'll never happen again. I love her with all my heart and can't live without her so we are working on rebuilding our marriage. It's going well, in fact our relationship feels stronger than ever weirdly!. I just can't get past the deceit though. I can't get the images of her with another man out of my head. Inside I'm a mess. Heartbroken and devastated by it all. I also can't trust her. I find myself checking her messenger. Also her phone while she isn't looking. There's nothing untoward there but the slightest thing makes me suspicious. I've even considered finding an app to check her text messages. How do I get past all this and move on?.

Counselling? Time?

I'm sorry this happened, how awful. I'd recommend counselling to help you work through the hurt you feel. Don't bottle it up.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. She’s very lucky that you’ve made the decision to stay and try to work on your relationship. But it’s early days yet. She has a lot of work to do in order to regain and keep your trust. And I’m afraid it takes a long, long time. But if she’s deadly serious about you and your marriage, your DW will understand the way you feel and won’t hold it against you. It takes more than apology and promises, it takes years to regain the trust. But it won’t always feel so raw.

And I second marriage counselling. We found an excellent marriage counsellor when going through a rough patch and she made an incredible difference to our marriage. We understand each other and each other’s needs so much better now.

Does she seem genuinely sorry? Or just sorry she got caught?

Had there been any signs that things weren’t ok between you?

Is the guy someone she spends time with eg at work or someone she found specifically to have an affair with?

Sorry for all the questions, it’s just without a bit more detail it’s difficult to know how to advise.

For example if its someone she works with she really needs to look for another job so that she’s not in daily contact with him. She needs to cut him off completely and be totally transparent with her phone/social media etc while she earns back your trust. You shouldn’t need an app to check up on her, she should understand that she needs to be willing to show you her phone at any point and that she’s broken your trust in her.

There’s a Shirley Glass book that’s often recommended for the spouse who has been cheated on, but I’m not sure if it’s mainly for emotional affairs rather than full on physical ones. Also I presume it’s mainly aimed at the woman who’s usually the one being cheated on, however it may still be worth a read, as she advises what needs to be done to overcome the betrayal. I think it’s called Not Just Friends.

I’m sorry you’ve had such an awful shock and that your DW didn’t own up to it when confronted, but compounded it with lies. Often that can be just as hurtful.

The feeling of being closer is called hysterical bonding (or maybe it’s testerical if you’re a man?!) but it may not last, it’s a survival instinct to keep your spouse from disappearing while you deal with things. Be kind to yourself.

Sorry this has happened to you. I also recommend couples counselling.

Do not get an app to check her text messages. It will not end well.

She seemed genuinely sorry?. Says she'll do anything and every thing to make things right. She kind of is but also isn't if that makes sense?. I've remained quite calm about it all and we have talked about it, questions I have etc even though it hurts so much. It almost feels like she wants it brushed under the carpet as if I have an off day or mention it in conversation she sometimes gets almost stroppy?. She doesn't seem to understand the pain and hurt I'm going through. It's almost like being tormented mentally most days. I have good days when I don't think about it then I have days when I can't shake away the mental images of them together.
The guy she cheated with is someone she has been friendly with for a while. They were chatting on messenger and one thing led to another. He invited her to his for a cuppa, tried it on, she said no but they still ended up in bed together. Then it happened again a couple of days later!. Like she didn't know what was going to happen 2nd time round!!.
I feel such an idiot. I've not been able to talk to anyone about it as id rather my parents and sister didn't know about it more for my wife's sake than my own.
I truely love and adore her and want things to work out. I don't want my paranoia to ruin things but I can't help but think they are texting and deleting the conversations.

Love the responses- when a man cheats everyone tells the OP to divorce and take him for everything he’s got. When a woman cheats everyone tells the OP to go to marriage counselling

Sorry to hear this OP, but think about it, will you ever be able to trust her ever again?

I understand counselling may work but deep down could you ever say you trust her 100% no matter what? If any part of you says no, I can't see you being truly happy with her.

Sorry, I might sound harsh but this is just the advice I would give myself if I were in your shoes. If you feel you could be happy with her then by all means go for it! You would be a better person than I to try.

@greendale17 I thought the same.

LTB

How do I get past all this and move on?

No need to get past. Just move on. Once a cheating rat always a cheating rat. Cheating is betrayal and it takes a certain kind of person to do that. Leopard never changes his spots. Get rid and move on.

I don't know. If a woman was on here saying ''he cheated, i caught him, he admitted it, i love him, he said sorry, we're trying again but i'm finding it hard to do'' then a lot of posters would suggest councelling.

sorry this has happened to you.

I was in your wife's position a while back and my husband found out. He constantly checked my phone.

Obviously he was devastated but my affair did not come out of nowhere and things have been difficult for a long time

We are still together rebuilding our relationship but it hasn't been easy. I would take things slowly and not be too rash

I'm very thankful that my dh stuck by me otherwise I could've made a foolish decision. It's very difficult to break free. Couples counselling was helpful.

Love the responses- when a man cheats everyone tells the OP to divorce and take him for everything he’s got. When a woman cheats everyone tells the OP to go to marriage counselling hmm

My counselling advice was for the man to go to alone, to work out his hurt. I'd leave the woman if I were him. However if he's struggling with feelings, lone counselling could help.

If your thinking about apps to check on her your going to drive yourself mad. If you don't think you can trust her it's going to be extremely hard going forward

Have you got family you are confiding in OP? Have you anyone you can go to to have a good heart to heart who will listen?

Why exactly can you not live without her? Presumably you did at one point and you can again. Do get counselling, but get it for yourself, to help you get away and start again. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You need to take care of yourself.

I love her but hate her for what she has done. I'm a pretty strong guy when it comes to emotional stuff but this has destroyed me.
I have never loved anyone like I love her. We have 3 children between us and bought our home together last year. I don't want to lose all of that which is why I want it to work out between us. Admittedly this whole thing has highlighted some flaws in our marriage. Bad habits that have set in over the past couple of years which unbeknown to either of us has strained things and my wife has found things tough at work recently but I wouldn't ever class that as an excuse for what she has done. No excuse will ever cover as far as I'm concerned. I just want her to be truthful, honest and loyal and I'm not 100% certain she will be after this?

Perhaps you can give another chance especially as you have three children together together

It's only been a few weeks, the images will lessen over time, as long as she is 100% committed to you. I think it's often the case that a marriage can actually get stronger after one party has an affair. It can be a kick up the arse reminder of what you nearly threw away.

You can’t trust her as she has shown herself to be untrustworthy. She needs to accept this and do everything within her power to help you get the trust back. That means being totally transparent, offering her phone, passwords etc, listening to you when you’re finding it tough and yes, taking responsibility for that, not making you feel bad for bringing it up. It’s still early days, of course you’re not over it. You may never be. But if you’re determined to try she needs to do some reading about what her role is in fixing this.

I would LTB as I know I couldn’t ever trust again after knowing my DP had cheated. Some people can get over it and they say it makes their relationship better

As a PP has asked why people aren’t all just saying LTB, it seems that you want to hear something else and we’re all offering you something more in tune with what you want to hear.

However, I would say the same to anyone male or female - if you want to make it work, it takes two and she needs to do most of the work here. You can fix this.

Sorry, *you CAN’T fix this!

On your own I mean.