Aibu to think the grandparents also have a responsibility?

[TravelBlues]

When a man (let’s face it, it is generally a man) fucks off leaving a woman holding the baby, do the man’s parents have a responsibility towards the welfare of that child?

This is regardless of whether they ‘get to see the child or not’.

In my case, after a couple of years my ex decided that actually, he didn’t want to be a parent after all. He registered as self employed so as not to have to pay anything towards his child, then finally left the country altogether. He has a sister here and I have encouraged dc to have a relationship with those cousins and she’s nice enough. I generally communicate with her. His parents have never made direct contact with me. A couple of times dc has spent a half term with them having travelled with other cousins and either the grandparents or his sister have paid.

I know they are quite well off and they have bought dc an iPad and on another occasion some clothes for Christmas but that’s twice in a decade.

My aibu is am I being unreasonable to take a rather dim view of the whole family. If my son had a child and took no responsibility for it I would see that as a failure on my part to instil morals and I would pay for at least swimming lessons, tuition, SOMETHING on a regular basis, to ease the burden on the person doing the day to day care.

He has another sister who lives an hours drive away and has visited dc about 3 times in her life. I find that poor.

Am I being unfair?

I’ve given them al every opportunity to be involved but it appears to be too much effort for all of them apart from the one sister.

No there is no responsibility. How is a grown man making a decision up to them.

To what lengths would you take this. Are parents responsible if their adult children commit crime. After all, they brought them up.

Yes it would be nice, if they did. But no there's no responsibility.

Also if there legally was, grandparents would end up with rights. So you, as the mother, decide that the grandparents are toxic for the child and want to stop contact. If they have been responsible for the child, they will also have rights.

My friend disowned her son and keeps in touch with ex and grandkids, that may be a bit extreme

It should happen more. Too many people - family, friends, colleagues - treat the abuse of children (because that is what it comes down to) as something to be ignored or glossed over, a ‘behind closed doors’ affair that is someone else’s responsibility. We accept this wholesale abuse of children as ‘no smoke without fire’ and we all know someone prepared to tell you all about the greedy bitch ex who drinks vodka for breakfast, wears designer clothes and has a manicure once a week.

no the child is not there responsibility

if they do then great but at the end of the day it was between you and ex to have a child

sorry op but your post seems more concerned with money

the man’s parents have a responsibility towards the welfare of that child?

This is regardless of whether they ‘get to see the child or not’.

Some people have no morals, I would step up personally as I would be embarrassed of my child treating his child like that.

I have also been in your shoes where the Dad disappears, Good on you for having high morals OP. Unfortunately fathers deserting children isnt frowned upon enough in todays society.

If either of my sons had a child and walked away from that child, I would definitely want to be involved. I hope that neither DS would father a child and not want to be part of their lives, but who knows? Same goes for my daughters and their potential children. My mum and dad are massively involved in my children's lives, and my (now deceased) MIL and PIL were too. I would want to be part of their lives, whether that would be financial help, or actively helping with childcare.

No, thengrandparents don’t have any obligation to the gc. It would be nice if they established a relationship, but not compulsory.

Fair enough to,take a dim view of the family, and their attitude to your dc, but they don’t have any responsibility to him.

You don't have a relationship with these people at all and their son is now out of the picture so I don't think paying to take your kids on holiday, buying clothes and gadgets is bad at all.

If you made an effort to maintain contact, sent cards or gifts, actively tried to encourage a relationship between yourself and your children and them then you'd have a point and a right to be disappointed by the lack of reciprocity. From what you say, you make no effort at all, haven't since the split, and still expect their money to improve your life.

They may have raised him but you chose to be with him and have a family with him, it's not their fault he turned into a loser.

Yabu.
Grandparents are in no way responsible.
Not sure I'd want to be of use financially either. Which is what your post implies.

Additionally, a lot of people wouldn't take kindly to people they now barely know trying to muscle in on their life by dictating children's activities. Really weird you'd expect them to pay for swimming or tutoring. You're their parent, that's on you.

Do you think that your parents have a moral obligation to pay for swimming lessons because they failed to instil in you the (confidence, common sense, patience... whatever) to choose a decent man?

I suspect not.

You can’t hold parents morally responsible for grown up children!

(Btw I chose a serial cheat, so I’m no better than you just making a point about not hold parents responsible)

and still expect their money to improve your life

It’s easy, isn’t it, suggesting greed when you’re not the one bringing children up without the support of their other parent? Yes, the OP should make contact and try to establish a relationship but why is it all on her? Bringing up and providing for the children and making sure they maintain a relationship with their paternal family. Why shouldn’t the paternal family make an effort?

And what the OP would like is for someone, anyone who you would hope had a vested interest, to help improve the quality of her children’s lives, not hers.

It would be wonderful if they had more involvement with your dc, but it sounds like it is not to be. I hope you can be reassured that you have done all that you can to include them in your dc lives, and have that sense of peace. I really admire you for that.

But the children are blood kin, not their fault a partner took off. So yes grandparents can help to make their life easier.

I don’t think it is their responsibility at all. Their son is an adult and so he assumes all responsibility of his own action. It is also not essentially their fault that he was such an irresponsible person with regards to his duties as a father. I don’t think they should take any blame whatsoever. What I think is not nice is that they are not as involved as they should be as grandparents in terms of showing interest in your child. Regardless of whether you and your ex are together your child is still their grand child and they should show some love and support in the capacity of grandparents. Now, whether grandparents are expected to fork out regular expenses for their grandchildren is another thing. Some may say no, expect for the odd presents here and there and treats. Of course you could explain that you need some financial help as their son is not contributing towards his child and ask if they can pay for something to help you out without putting them under any pressure. If they can, and it sounds like they might, then great. If they can’t, then expect nothing at all and be at peace with that.

How many times have you travelled to see the other sister?

If you don't know how to make contact with them after a long time, maybe they feel the same about you? They may want to be in touch but be worried about intruding, and they may well feel terrible about what their son has done. Bear in mind he might not always have presented them with a truthful picture of you as well.

They have shown that they care by having your dc for half term and by buying gifts. If there's been travelling involved then it doesn't sound like you live close enough to each other for there to be regular contact which would make it difficult for them too.

No, grandparents have no legal responsibility but they may feel that there may be moral responsibility. However that is the gps choice and cannot be forced