Aibu to be scared of my father when I'm 34?

[Fullofregrets33]

What the hell is wrong with me? Im married with 2 kids. I have been with my husband for 17 years. Goodness he is a Saint for putting up with me and my family.
Even though I have a husband I feel as if my father is in charge and everything has to be run past him before we do anything. My husband is basically in second place to my dad!
Background my father is a narcissistic person. He is controlling and everything has to be his way. I was brought up to allow him to get his own way. I'm an only child. My mum is like a little mouse who keeps quiet to keep the peace. You are never allowed to disagree with him. He thinks everyone is an idiot except him. He likes to give his unwanted opinions to people regularly.

Over the years I have tried to be strong and recently we booked and went on a once in a lifetime trip that cost huge amount. Id mentioned it to my dad previously in conversation before we did it and he told us not to for rediculous reasons. We wanted to and did and i felt really proud of myself telling him we'd booked it anyway and we had an amazing time.

We need a new car and because he used to be a car salesman he always wants involvement. My husband wants to sort it himself, rightly so, but i dread it when I will have to tell my dad we've purchased one without his approval.
We also want to get a puppy for our daughter, infact we've arranged to collect one on Friday . Every time I think about telling my parents at the weekend I feel sick and so anxious. They would have nothing to do with the dog and would never have to look after it etc.
So Why am I so bothered about what he thinks and what his reaction will be? I'm a grown woman! It's so hard to change when it's been this way my whole life. I just want to be free to live my own life and make my own mistakes and choices.

Please consider going for CBT and counselling. That sounds so stressful, its no way to live.

How do i go about something like that? I would like to do this to make myself stronger and more assertive.

I forgot to mention it even effects the way I parent my children. He absolutely adores them but thinks he can say what he wants i front of them and I just let5it slide even though I'm so angry inside!

'It's so hard to change when it's been this way my whole life'

It really is. There is no magic switch that gets flicked when you become an adult that changes the dynamic between you and your parents. Your dad sounds very overbearing and domineering and that can be very scary indeed

Psychotherapy was the way forward for me. With professional support, I was able to start to understand the dynamics in my family and how my parents' behaviour affected me. It was bloody hard work and intensely painful but by far, the best thing I have ever done for myself. So no, you are not unreasonable to feel this way, but know that you don't have to feel this way forever

OP, Google BACP. It's the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy. You can search for therapists in your local area.

You can seek NHS support through your GP but waiting lists can be v long and you may not get more than 10 sessions of CBT

That sounds really hard but you do need to break the pattern.

Do you want/need to be in contact with him? It doesn’t sound like he brings anything positive to your life.

I would say you definitely need to get some counselling to help you gain confidence and set barriers with your father. I say gain confidence first because changing family dynamics means some possibly painful conversations and uncomfortable feelings.
It's really good that you recognise that it's not a healthy dynamic and that is affecting your children. That's the first step!

Even though I have a husband I feel as if my father is in charge and everything has to be run past him before we do anything. My husband is basically in second place to my dad! Background my father is a narcissistic person.

YANBU to be afraid of him. You need strong boundaries to protect yourself and your family from him.

I agree you need counselling to help you put those boundaries in place, and to start to repair some of the damage he has done over the years and help you feel less anxious about leading your own life with your own family. The GP can point you at the right services, possibly including private or charitable ones of the NHS is over-subscribed.

The BACP link below is also a reputable place to look for counsellors or therapists, with advice on how to find a good counsellor or therapist and search tools to help you find someone locally:

www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/we-can-help/

You are still seeking his approval. You don't need it, you are a grown woman with a family of your own.

I know it's hard, but you need to give permission to yourself to stop caring so much about his opinion and what he thinks.

Well done for making decisions without him - that takes a lot of courage on your part. It would have been so much easier (and completely the wrong thing to do) to involve him in the car buying and puppy acquisition.