To ask about boundaries in a marriage?

[Threestrikes]

I'm learning about boundaries and building my self esteem after an abusive marriage. I was just reading about boundaries and deal breakers. And with the things that are NOT dealbreakers for you, you'd give them 3 chances and let them firmly know you don't like it, or they shouldn't do it. If they kept doing it after the 2nd or 3rd strike, you'd end the relationship. But what about in a marriage? Would you literally divorce someone if they kept doing something that weren't a dealbreaker but annoying to you?

Please bear with me, I'm just learning and trying to understand how this works 

Your post is a bit vague but I wonder from what you're saying if your concept of boundaries is a bit off. For me, having boundaries isn't about having a list of things that I won't put up with and having a 'three strikes' policy about other things. It's about knowing my own worth and sticking up for that no matter what, so that I know when something is a genuine mistake and just something I can forgive and when something is disrespectful/rude/abusive and not something I can forgive.

An example - one person might be constantly late and I am never bothered about it because I know they love and respect me and this is just a quirk that is annoying but acceptable. Another person might be constantly late and it's part of a pattern of disrespectful behaviour where they don't value me and my time so I just don't put up with it, or with the person in general. Does that make sense?

If its just annoying you either learn to put up with it or you tell them you're seriously considering leaving over it, if it doesnt stop then you end it. Its not about the action as a whole, as the action is just part of them ignoring how strongely you feel and being inconsiderate of that. It's usually crosses over to other things in the marriage.

For example - DP leaves his shoes out instead of putting them away. It's irritating because he has huge shoes and I trip over them. I can live with it though.
Now if I'd gone to DP - 'it seriously upsets me and I can't live like this' he would in an instant stop doing it, because he cares about how I feel. If I'd reminded him several times over that it seriously upsets me, and he still did it that means he's ignoring how i feel and doesnt give a fuck. That's dumping/divorce worthy.

For me its about attributing value to the things you feel.

So if you feel very strongly about something, and your partner is crossing that boundary with you, you need to feel angry! This guy is taking the piss and stepping over a boundary here! I have every right to feel this way and I need to react accordingly and call him out on it and stick to my guns!

If he doesn't change his behaviour towards your hard boundaries then you need to be strong and ultimately be prepared to call it a day.

How strongly you feel about something should have a proportional reaction on a sliding scale. aka 'there is no way in hell i can deal with this' = big reaction. OR he's left his bloody shoes in the hall again sigh = small nag maybe or nothing.

The most important thing is remembering that your feelings are valid and valuable. Good luck

It very much depends on what it is they're doing.

On how much it affects you. If it's the toilet seat up, which annoys me.

He also puts the recycling in the rubbish.

You have to let some things slide, but if it's serious stuff, I'd like to think your spouse would stop doing something that you'd said you didn't like, especially if it hurts your feelings.

If not there's