to say "no thanks to this" or suck it up and go?

[FullMetalRabbit]

We get invited every year to a friend's on Christmas Eve - we love the friends but this particular event is so deadly dull (lots of people that we don't know, try to make small talk but not much coming back IYKWIM)

We've managed to swerve it a few times with excuses (eg. doing something else) but I'd rather try and tackle it head on but I don't want to hurt the friends feelings? Can't use young children excuse any more as our chldren are all but grown up - they don't want to go either!

Are we

a) being unreasonable to not want to go (we would rather stay at home and have a drink and no-one needs to drive)

or

b) should we suck it up for a couple of hours as it's only once a year?

If anyone thinks a) any suggestions of how to be nice about saying we don't want to go would be gratefully received

Just say no. Thanks but no thanks unfortunately we can’t make it this year.

But yes maybe soften it by inviting them to you over Xmas or new year.

Do you generally dislike that sort of event? If you do then you could maybe be more truthful.
The first time I read your post I missed that you’d rather address it properly, not have to make excuses every year.

If so, I think you have two options:

Xmas eve - you like to do x instead because it’s xmas eve.
The type of event - larger numbers or people you don’t know or a sore back makes a standing nibbles event hard work?

God no I wouldn't go. Christmas Eve is for having a tipple, watching Christmas movies and wrapping presents while stuffing your face with chocolate.

The type of event - larger numbers or people you don’t know or a sore back makes a standing nibbles event hard work?

A chair will be offered

My best friend is a very sociable person and always has a do like this at Christmas. I suffered through it a few times from duty, but I didn't know anyone and would spend and hour standing with a plate and a glass trying not to look spare. Had to be honest in the finish. It's the best way.

That sounds awkward. I agree with maybe showing up for an hour if it helps avoid the guilt

Politely refuse the invitation. Your friends will be preoccupied hosting. Make a quality connection at a different time.

I would go early for an hour and then leave (let them know in advance you will be doing it). You could say you are trying to create your own family tradition at home from now on (or whatever reason you can think of that will carry on from year to year).

This way, you are seeing your friends and not letting them down, but you are also looking after yourselves.

This is something my most popular/ gregarious or socially active friends do. They never turn anything down, but vary how long they’ll stay - from just popping in, to just one drink to longer. They always, always make the effort to turn up, but at the same time, make it work for them as well.

I wouldn't sacrifice my Christmas time for anything I didn't want to do. That's what I do the other 300+ days of the year.

Just say you need a quiet one this Christmas.

Does everyone else know each other, or not? Either way, if they don’t know you, you won’t be missed.

I'm pretty selfish when it comes to Christmas. So many people feel obliged to do things/go places/see people. On the 27th were supposed to go to my grandmas (on my dads side) and I've said me, my DF and DS won't be going this year. I hate it, we all do. Yolo and all that 😂 my brothers jealous I've plucked up the courage! No ones actually asked me why yet though...

Yeah this. ^

I have spent too many years trying to please everyone - friends, family, work, everyone, and I don't do fuckall now unless I want to do it.

Me and DH are not seeing ANYone at Christmas between 23rd and 27th December. We live 20 miles from the nearest relative and usually drive there Christmas day, and all of Christmas day is spent making conversation and smiling and not able to fully relax. Even if it's family, you just can't 'chill.' Same with Boxing Day.

So this year we are having a big meal out with 18 family members (incl both adult children) on 22nd December, and seeing no-one for 4-5 days. We are not even seeing our adult children over those 4-5 days. They are doing their own thing, and we are seeing them NY Eve.

Me and DH are just staying home for those 4-5 days, together, going for walks, playing board games and card games, watching cheesy Christmas film, spending Christmas day munching mince pies and drinking port, and eating nibbles, (having our Christmas meal on 22nd with family as I said before,.)

I can't tell you the amount of people I have spoken to who envy us, as they are already massively stressed by Christmas, even 7 weeks before it!!!

I would politely decline OP, and say you want to spend the day (and evening) with your family. Maybe pop round around the 28th/29th...

We went to our NDN's christmas party last year.... and snuck away after an hour. Seeing the rest of the villagers (all late 40s/50s/60s) getting so drunk that they were acting like the Inbetweeners wasn't remotely pleasant and I've not been able to look a fair few of them in the eye anymore when we meet walking the dog . They were out in the garden at the weekend and shouted across "not long till our christmas party folks"........ DH is under threat of painful slow death if he says yes.

I also agree to not think of excuses, just say that you can't make it

I would just go for an hour or 2 and just say that it has to be quick as you are busy this time of year.

If you know it's going to be hard work, I'd make a suitable sounding excuse.
I once went quite a distance to some old friends' pre Christmas do - hadn't seen them for ages. No dh, he was away. I only knew the hosts, and they were either busy in the kitchen or elsewhere all the time.

I did my best to make conversation with couples I'd never met - they went roughly like this -
Me - (nice friendly smile) - Are you going away for Christmas?
Them - No.
Me - Have you finished your Christmas shopping yet?
Them - Yes.
Etc.
It was a bloody nightmare, like swimming through treacle - they had no idea about 'throwing the ball back' so to speak.
Never again. It was a horrible drive down dark, unlit country lanes to get there and back, too..
One thing I really like about getting older, is that I no longer feel obliged to go to anything if I don't want to.

No good will come from telling her you don’t enjoy it! It’s such bad advice to say the best thing is to ‘be honest’. You’ll upset your friend, make her worry she hosts boring parties, and damage the friendship forever.

Say you have other plans this year and offer an alternative to see her. Say you have too much prep for Christmas day. Best of all is the suggestion to say the kids have asked to have a family Christmas eve tradition to stay in together and you want to make it happen before they leave home. That gives you an out from now on.

There’s such a thing as being too honest

Just go for the last half an hour and do the , sorry we're late we didn't want to come, excuse.

Strike through fail. we didn't want to comeexcuse

Sorry we're late, we didn't want to come.
😂😂😂😂

Please do this.

Just tell her you won't come to the Christmas eve event anymore. It is too close to Christmas, too much going on. Deadly dull events tend to be deadly dull for everyone, perhaps even her, but she feels she has to put it on because she always has.

Just say that your dc are now at the age they want to spend Xmas eve at home, so you can’t make it.

I wouldn’t upset them by saying you don’t ever want to go again, but each year come up with an excuse and they’ll eventually stop asking - you hope!

Oh dear. We have an annual Christmas Eve party. It’s pretty informal, so I’ve always assumed that people who bother to come are there because they want to be.
If it’s my party, OP, please don’t worry! I wouldn’t be even a tiny bit offended and would much rather you have a lovely time at home. I’m pretty sure these things are like positive marking for exams: I’m pleased and touched when a friend turns up, but I’d barely register, let alone be offended, if they didn’t.

Why on earth would you want to 'tackle it head on'? What would you achieve by doing that other than to make her feel crap?

Just say no, with or without an excuse. If you've said no already so many times she probably doesn't even expect you to come and is just inviting you because you're her friend. Inventing a Christmas Eve tradition with your family sounds like a perfectly good idea. Tell her you have become German and will be having Christmas dinner that night?

sorry confused things a little about the no sitting down - what I meant was normally when we go to their house it's for dinner - this is just drinks and nibbles so it's just standing or sitting around trying to make small talk with people we don't know

Askmeaskme good post, I will take that on board

thanks for everyone's replies, you've all given me food (or nibbles!) for thought

Allfednonedead

I really hope it's not you as it wasn't my intention to offend anyone - just mulling it over really about what to do

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

yep, it's exactly like that situation