Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Not to know how to deal with this

19 replies

Glovesick · 07/11/2018 07:00

DD is 5.

Father convicted of historic child abuse and online offences. He went to prison for 2 years when she was a baby.

She has never lived with him.

We met up with him a few times but it didn't go well and eventually SS determined not safe as he couldn't stick to the rules.

DD now asking why she doesn't have a daddy at home like others. So far I have said he lives a long way away and she has been fine with it.

Now she is asking more questions and told me she has told people at school he is dead because she doesn't want the bother kids to laugh about her not having a daddy.

What can I tell her that is age appropriate? Each also left me for another woman but I don't want to go down the road of "he didn't want us" because I don't want her to feel she caused him to go.

I have told her he has been unkind to me and a lot of people but she wants to know how he was unkind.

This is really upsetting me. She is so innocent and deserves to be happy and carefree.

OP posts:

SandysMam · 07/11/2018 07:18

Tell her he did something bad and had to go to prison and he’s not a nice Daddy so that’s why she doesn’t see him. If she asks what, say she’s too little to understand at the moment but you will explain when she’s older. Horrible situation OP, really sorry you are going through this but well done for getting your daughter away from that sick bastard.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/11/2018 07:20

Perhaps ask social services if they can help with this?

Original poster

Glovesick · 07/11/2018 13:13

Social services are unfortunately not intetested/too busy. Child is not at risk and they are very understaffed so I can understand that.

Sandy I can't bring myself to tell her he was in prison. It seems to harsh as in her little world everything is pink and fluffy. I guess I have no choice. Just wishing there was a way to soften it a little more.

OP posts:

MemoryOfSleep · 07/11/2018 13:58

If she's being made fun of to the degree that she's telling others her dad is dead it sounds like she knows the world isn't entirely pink and fluffy, OP. I'd stick with something along the lines of he isn't nice to children so the police say he isn't allowed to see her. And speak to school about the bullying.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2018 14:11

Is it worth calling NSPCC and asking their advice? You can't be the only person in this situation.

Original poster

Glovesick · 07/11/2018 22:46

Thanks Memory. I have spoken to the echo now who are going to investigate and do a session on different kinds of families.

GreenFingers that is great idea. I definitely can't be the only one, but it is not something I tell many people IRL (moved to new area etc) and I doubt I would find out casually about others. So NSPCC might be just the right place to start. Thank you!

OP posts:

nearlytimeforthebigman · 07/11/2018 22:56

She's just too young. Simply he lives in another country. Discuss when old enough

Sammymommy · 07/11/2018 23:10

"I can't bring myself to tell her he was in prison".

I think the younger she is, the more natural it will be for her. The longer you the more brutal the shock when she fonds out. And she will be lost as she will feel ahe build her life and knowledge of herself on a lie.

You don't need to go into detail. "Your dad has mental issues that makes him do bad things. He has been punished for those things. He tried to be in your life but it didn't work because he has too many issues.He can't be trusted as he hurt people".

Does she have any male in the family that could be more present for her and kind of compensate?

Snowfish · 08/11/2018 02:43

Very difficult situation for you. Please don't lie to her. The truth will out eventually and then she will not trust you. Also don't say her dad is "bad". She shares half of her genes with him and will just end up thinking that she is "bad" too. Keep talking to her and be open to all the questions she has. If she senses you don't want to talk about it then she will stop asking and will bottle all her feelings up which is very unhealthy. You sound like a great Mum and I am sure you will find a way of working through it all with your DD

TheMythicalChicken · 08/11/2018 02:53

Being in prison is better than just not wanting to see her, which is what she might be thinking.

MrsTerryPratcett · 08/11/2018 02:56

If she's telling people he's dead, pink and fluffy was a few stops ago.

MrsTerryPratcett · 08/11/2018 02:57

Sorry didn't mean to post so bluntly!

It's a really difficult situation

Colouringaddict · 08/11/2018 03:31

I had to tell my then 9 year old DS that his father had abused his DSis. He had expressed an interest in his —sperm donor— biological father, during the time my DH and I had looked into adopting both children. Unbelievably SS had said they would likely facilitate this contact. I used age appropriate language and told him that sometimes grown ups do bad things, to other adults and children, and as his mum, it was my job to keep him and his sister safe, that included my not telling him anything more than the fact I didn’t think he would be good to him but when he was older, we would discuss it again. He was about 14 when he asked me again and I told him a little more. He’s now 29 and knows everything. He’s a well balanced adult that I am proud to call my son.

AJPTaylor · 08/11/2018 03:46

There must be professional help out there. I would be reluctant to tell child about prison/hurting children for the simple fact she might tell others. Might make her little life harder.

Letsforgetaboutthis · 08/11/2018 04:17

The fact that he is her biological father does not mitigate the way she will come to understand him later. Colouringaddict has it right.

Whiskeyjar · 08/11/2018 05:01

I would absolutely not mention police, prison or that he is bad. Say he moved away to another country for work or something and then discuss more when she is older. A 5 year old should not be burdened with any knowledge of prison, bad dad or police being involved

Eilaianne · 08/11/2018 05:23

Please do not mislead her by telling her he works abroad or some other big lie - I think posters mean well but they don't really understand how psychologically damaging it can be to be told the truth later. Seriously, folks, unless you're a professional with experience or understanding of how these things should be handled, you should not be advising a path that suits the adult to bury the conversation whilst a child is young but isn't actually good for the child!

OP, other suggestion on here around simplifying what happened, letting her know that it's not a taboo and you'll revisit with more information when she's older, and avoiding telling her that she has a "bad" half from her dad, is spot on. But please don't lie or deceive.

My advice is nspcc or support groups for families like yours - not asking ignorant/well meaning but damaging strangers online here.

Original poster

Glovesick · 08/11/2018 06:55

Thanks everyone. I resolved a long time ago not to lie to her. She knows he lives in England anyway.

Part of my problem is that I don't want to talk about it. I am only just starting to feel that I have moved on myself, so really want to avoid opening up a load of old wounds again and see it hurt her. But I know I have to so she can understand and level the path for later (teenage years).

OP posts:

justilou1 · 08/11/2018 07:06

Just tell her that you discovered that he was a very bad man and that you were afraid that he would hurt her and you, and that it was safest if he didn’t know where you lived or how to find you. Probably keep it simple and don’t offer any more detail. I imagine as she gets older and is capable of understanding more, she will ask age-appropriate questions and you can answer them as you wish. You know your daughter best.

Flip