AIBU to be desperate for help but have no one to turn to.

[Someonehelpmi]

Posting here for traffic because I'm so desperate for help, I know I need it but I have no idea who will help.

Sorry for the long post

Not always, but recently I've been having bouts of uncontrollable anger, if someone makes an offhand comment or says something that upsets me I completely fly of the handle, slamming doors smashing things, throwing things and saying alot of really hurtful things that I would never mean, and can't take back. I get so upset and worked up, crying hysterically and getting over emotional. It takes my self or the other person to remove themselves from the situation completely for it to defuse, I then calm down and go.complelety back to normal, calm and relaxed. It is however taking a massive toll on my relationships and those around me as it's mainly my partner and my mum I have these episodes with. I haven't ever been like this before other than a brief period when I was a teenager.

My son is only 7 months old but I went through a really tough time during pregnancy and the first months of his life. My nan died the same day he was born, because I was living far away and was busy with a newborn I never got a chance to go to her funeral, and never really had the chance to grieve properly.

I was also in a really abusive relationship, where my son's father was controlling, manipulative, called me horrible horrible names when I didn't want to sleep with him after the birth, he also spent all our money on drugs, going out and betting. When I left him he became even more abusive, sending threats, spreading lies about me aswell as blackmailing me (there is alot more to it but the post isn't about that).

I also suffer from epilepsy which was well controlled for years until all the abuse started. I'm worried because my birth mother (I'm adopted) suffered(s) from bipolar disorder and manic depression and I'm terrified all this has been a trigger for the start of something like that for me.

I love my son and only ever want the best for him, he brings me and others so much joy and is such a happy contented baby and I love looking after him and being around him. I'm worried all this is only going to get worse and one day something will happen that will make me lose it completely and I'll have a breakdown. I feel such a mixture of emotions, everyday is a roller coaster but I have no idea where to go for help so I can move past this.

Have you met with your GP? That might be the place to start. Maybe delayed grief?
My birthmom and half sister have bipolar but this doesn't sound like it.

Uncontrollable rage is not a symptom of bipolar disorder, although it may be symptomatic of other conditions (which only a specialist can diagnose you with).

You need to see your GP. Your own behaviour has now become abusive, please get some help urgently.

I think you might be still depressed & grieving as small everyday 'stuff' is harder to deal with if so, often proving to be the last straw and tipping your mood over the edge. I'd see my GP & also, Google CRUSE, the bereavement charity for free grief counselling in your area. MIND, the mental health charity offer 6 free counselling sessions & all the sorts of support available from helplines to online support forums on their website too. Its very helpful. Take care.

Please seek support through your GP. It's very positive that you recognise what is going on. That is the first step.

Yes to GP. It could be something like postnatal hormones interacting with your meds.

Also, I notice your mention partner and baby's dad as different people - assuming that means you had consecutive relationships with little gap, do you think you'd benefit from a period of time just you and baby, so that you have fewer demands on your time/attention and can maybe feel a bit more relaxed?

@Jlynhope * @Bombardier25966* Thank you for your reassurance about bipolar, I realised I may seem a bit ignorant or insensitive to people who have the condition or know someone with so I'm sorry if I've offended anyone! I'll book am appointment wkth the GP, I was just worried they'd turn me away and blame hormones etc or just shove me in anti depressants when I'd rather get to the root of the problem!

@CSIblonde Thank you so much, I'll have look those charities/organisations up later on

@Babymamamama that's why I'm a bit scared because I'm so aware of what's happening! I want to sort it out before I get to the stage where I don't know, if that makes sense?

@RelentlessSylvia that's a good point and I have thought about that alot! My partner is someone I've known for a long while and we reconnected when I moved back home with my parents so not an entirely new situation, but still worth thinking about

How long have been with your dp..?

"Assuming that means you had consecutive relationships with little gap, do you think you'd benefit from a period of time just you and baby, so that you have fewer demands on your time/attention and can maybe feel a bit more relaxed?".

^I agree with this. Also, have you tried hitting a punch bag or similar? Might help to let some steam off in a healthy way. Excercise in general might help lift your mood, count to 30 before replying when annoyed, or excuse yourself to go to the loo and try to calm down etc. You'll find loads of ideas online, it's finding what works for you individually, that's the tricky part.

"You need to see your GP. Your own behaviour has now become abusive, please get some help urgently".

^And this, of course

Counselling could help you working on your anger/identifying your triggers and how to manage your emotions. Please explain to your GP how you feel. If you are trying to address your issues then you can hopefully move forward. I think your depression is having a big impact on you.