DH won't discuss finances

[worriedgem]

I'm really worried about mine and DH finances. I am self employed and starting maternity leave. I won't get maternity pay, hopefully I'll get maternity allowance of £600 a month but waiting to find out. I usually earn quite well (around £40k a year) but we live in central London so although I have a small pot of savings not a lot.

DH is also self employed and hasn't been working much at all recently as he's started a new venture. We have separate accounts- he has always paid rent and all bills and my income was used to pay down a mortgage on a small flat we rent out - that's been our arrangement.

Now I don't know how he's paying all the household bills - he used to have a job until about six months ago when he went self employed and I knew what he earned (about £50k a year). Now he must be lucky to earn £20k the amount of work he's been getting. When I've asked about it he shuts me down says everything is fine and I have nothing to worry about and leaves the room. He doesn't have any significant savings.

I'm so worried about things I'm not sleeping. I want us to sit down together and work out a monthly budget with income and necessary outgoings especially whilst I'm not working but know he will shut me down and won't talk about it and keep saying "everything's fine".

I'm worried sick about this at the moment. I want to buy stuff for the baby but don't want to ask him for any money as have no idea how bad things are. He would give me money if I asked (he's very generous to the point of stupidity) rather than say we can't afford it, which is what I'd prefer. I just want to know what we have coming in and going out each month.

He's got this awful old fashioned mindset where he believes the man should provide for his family but in doing so I don't know what our finances look like- except they won't be good.

How can I approach this? He should be home within the hour and I haven't slept and want and need to sort this out.

Not discussing is a bad sign I agree and I would be suspecting debt to be honest.
Can you his access to his accounts?
Otherwise credit checking to see if he has opened any accounts,loans.
Hope you get to the bottom if it.

I haven't slept and want and need to sort this out

Now certainly wouldn't be a good time as you are likely to be more irritable due to hormones, stress and lack of sleep. Try another time when you are feeling a bit better and calmer. I would start with explaining the feelings you have just laid out here and tell him about the fact that you are losing sleep with worry.

If he still has no compassion or any ability to relate to that, it's a worrying situation in general and one that is likely to end in an argument. However one that probably would require an open confrontation to bring things into the open.

If you are absolutely certain he has no savings and no meaningful income to support you and the baby through maternity leave, then the only other alternatives are a) illegal income and/or b) debt

I can't think of anything else, so a conversation is required.

I think at the moment he's been living off savings so they must be almost gone. He definitely didn't have debt three months ago so if he's starting now it will be the very start of it- I want to make sure he doesn't go down that road. There's no illegal income.

It's more the fact he won't discuss anything at all to do with money and just tells me it's all in hand and not to worry- I've told him that makes me worry more. I feel like we are going to need a huge confrontation in order to get it out in the open.

Are you planning to claim any child benefit and tax credits? You'll need to know his and your income to do that.
Maybe a way to start the conversation is that- I want to claim everything we're entitled to- let's look at it together and work out what we can get based on our situation.

Don't let him get away with this. Keep pushing. If he walks away, follow him.

Keep telling him that not knowing is making you worry, not sleep and be stressed and that you would much rather know.

Sadly it does sound like he is in trouble and you will both have some sorting out to do.

You have to find a way to get him to listen to you.

Honestly,
You need to sit him down and insist on a discussion and a plan....

We have had a brief chat and he's agreed to sit down and go through the money situation one evening. What I did discover is that he's barely earning anything at the moment, not enough to cover household bills, and it's all being subsidised by his savings. I don't know how long he can afford to carry on like that before calling it quits on the business and getting a job- when I tried to prove more deeply he said we would talk about it properly soon (and he has just gone out to work now- when I say work I mean this new business). There's no debt.

He seems to think the business will suddenly take off but I can't help but be cynical about that- not because I don't believe in him, but because it seems more likely not to.

Make sure that "soon" really is that. Don't let him keep fobbing you off, saying now's not the right time to discuss it. Set one evening this week, and don't let him be vague. Ask to see his statements and balances, you're married, so perfectly entitled to do so.

“Soon” and “one evening” are not good answers.

“Wednesday at 7pm” is a good answer. Pin him down.

You need a plan or two. A plan for if the business doesn’t earn “enough” - define enough - in the next X amount of time. Could he go part time on the business and part time on a regular job? Could he look after the baby part time while you work and go part time on the business while you have the baby?

Do you need to sell the flat, or move into it and rent out where you are? Why was your income paying the mortgage on the flat? Doesn’t the money from renting the flat out pay the mortgage - if not why not? Stop overpaying immediately if that’s what you’ve been doing, you need the savings more than overpaying a long-term mortgage.

List of all the bills, and all of the income you’re entitled to. List all your expenses, even infrequent ones. Moneysavingexpert has a good list so you don’t forget anything.

I think you need to pull all the stuff together and then go through it with him - don’t wait for him to do it.

I second NO SQUIRELS pin him down this is far too important to let slide, particularly with a baby on the way.

I had something similar with DP recently when I was on maternity leave. It turns out we do now have a chunk of debt and he had hidden it as he didn’t want me to worry. It’s not ideal and I was so angry, but we’ve sat down and gone over all finances and now have a very detailed spreadsheet. A really open and honest chat is the best place to start.

I hope he opens up to you very soon.

Not an acceptable attitude at all from him. It’s not the 50’s, you both work, both contribute and are a partnership about to bring a new human into the world.

He needs to grow the f up, sit down with you now and plan properly together. Have you told him you stressed it’s making you?

I’d be saying “we 100% need to sit and work out finances, this week, what evening works best for you?” If he keeps stropping off I’d be losing my shit.

OP this is not acceptable, you are partners. Sit him down and state that he needs to be open and honest (I would be asking to see statements etc as this has been going on a whole)

For me this would be a deal-breaker

“one evening”
Which evening?

I don’t mean to be alarmist and I don’t know the ins and outs of your finances although it seems like you don’t either but you could easily be sleep walking into a situation where you are forced to go back to work when your baby is only a few months old

You need to have this conversation and once the sums are done if it means you sell the flat/he goes back to salaried work/ whatever for the benefit of your child and family unit so be it.

Now is not the time for mollycoddling...be the master of your own destiny

Slightly off topic (I agree you MUST sit down and have a detailed and open discussion) but you can claim statutory maternity pay if you are self employed I believe? I did a few years ago. I know it's not much but it's better than nothing