To not want baby passed around by DM

[Teaplease18]

Long time lurker here and hoping that the wisdom of mumsnet can advise/handhold/set me straight...

Recently gave birth to DD who is now 8 months old. DD is first grandchild in a family of 4 grown up siblings so a lot of expectation/excitement etc. DH and I get on well with my DM and DF but things have been cagey at times and my relationship with siblings ranges from indifferent and distant and even hostile at times. DM has been prone to shouty rages and temper tantrums all my life. DF is passive aggressive at best of times. Despite this I've tried my best over the years to have a good relationship with DM and DF and probaby try extra hard with them. Last fee years have been easier since I've been married and now with DD they are a main source of support for me socially. Siblings do not contact me willingly or see me socially even though they are all in contact with each other outside of family occasions like birthdays.

Anyway pretty much since DD was born as you can imagine DM is overjoyed and understandably so. I've loved seeing my parents become grandparents and definitely they seem happier than they have in years. The one problem I have is when we are gathered with my siblings my DM constantly takes DD and passes her around each sibling/partner saying 'oh so and so uncle/aunty's go to hold baby'. Whilst I am not precious at all about people holding DD , I am finding this tiresome and feeling a bit disrespected. My main issue is one sibling who specifically hardly talks to me and doesn't ask me directly to see or hold the baby but whenever I leave the room and return she is holding DD because DM has passed her to her. A few times I've tried to take DD back and she seems reluctant, saying oh are you sure?

Anyway I said to my DM yesterday after a family gathering that I do not like this and if people want to hold DD then all they have to do is ask. My phone calls and texts to DM today have all been ignored. My guess is that it's related to this.

Help me mumsnet - am I BU or unbelievably precious. I am considering counselling for my perceived toxic family relationships as I don't want it to affect how I bring up DD. DH's family in comparison have their own issues but are so polite and friendly in comparison.

Sorry that's a long post!! Thanks for reading it

YANBU at ALL. You did the right thing by saying that to your mum. Stand your ground on this one. I don't see why siblings who are rude to you should get a cuddle at all, but if they want one they need to ask you directly. I'm also very relaxed about who holds baby, but I've experienced the same situation as you and it is annoying. Like DM just wants to see different siblings posing with the baby to please herself.

Let your mum fume, and if she brings it up, stand your ground. I don't like it when baby is passed round. We won't be doing it that way anymore. If people want a cuddle they can ask me. Stay firm!

At 8 months I am sure your dd will voice her displeasure if she is unhappy being pass the parcel tbh.

Your mum might be trying to foster better relationships via your DC, thinking you can all bond over the baby. There's a wide range of views about this on MN, babies are often passed around within my family and I know when I have DS soon it'll be the same but I'm fine with that and we're all close. Ultimately it's your child your choice. Would you like to have better relationships with your siblings? What's happened that they all communicate with each other but not you?

A confident "he needs changing now"/"he needs feeding now"/"he needs burping now" can help when taking baby off of people. Doesn't leave much room for protest. Good luck!

I really don't think it's worth getting into a big battle over.

But it seems there are bigger issues you need to sort out, and I think you should focus on them rather than getting into petty quibbles that really don't matter in the long run.

Personally I'm very happy with different family members getting cuddles, but there's just something specifically annoying about someone passing your baby to someone else who hasn't even asked, and then being all "look isn't that nice!" about it.

The siblings are all adults, if they want a better relationship with your child they can ask for cuddles themselves.

Why are you estranged from your siblings?

Thanks for all the replies - yes I wonder a lot why I am estranged from my siblings. It pains me a lot and I do make a lot of effort to keep in touch with them and ask them around etc especially now with DD so they can bond with her, bt mainly met with indifference. I guess I've never been very close to them and it's got worse over the years meanwhile they have got closer, see each other a lot and go on holidays together. I'm never invited. I guess I was a late bloomer and stayed at home until my late 20s, didn't go out or have boyfriends but I've probably made up for it since and now happily married with a baby, have a very well paid job and a house in a naice area...so I've wondered whether there is some envy or rivalry. When I first moved out, got a bf etc I would often get ridiculed and hear lots of jokes from them like 'remember when you were younger you were so and so'(loner/overweight from childhood/had tantrums as a child etc ) I don't get this so much now as mainly ignored. My DM also recently told me more than once that she is surprised that I've been the first to have a baby and that she prays that my older sibling has one soon. Sorry for the massive drip feed. As one PP said there are bigger issues here but the passing baby around is the latest episode of feeling inferior/downtrodden/anxious...

Still no response from DM and DF to my calls and texts today. I've been crying about this today...

Sorry for the very long post again!
Anyone with some words of comfort or advice very much welcome

Have you considered PND? You say you have done really well, you know that about yourself. Why are you letting this get you down? So what if you were a late bloomer? You bloomed. Kids stay at home longer these days given impossibly high rents etc. It's not a negative thing for your Mother to say she was surprised you had a baby first, especially if you have older siblings.

I think you should really consider that counselling? Don't sit there crying about a phone (or lack of) from your Mother when you have a beautiful baby to play with.

Your baby is 8 months and the first grandchild. Of your your baby is a focus of attention. Don't use your baby to punish odd relatives to prove a point. You could ask the relative if she would like to hold her, help you feed her, play with her. If you are snatching back the baby and letting it get to you maybe you are coming across a little scary. Or the alternative is dont go. When you know there is a big group make your excuses. But it's a shame when your DD has a set a relatives that take an active interest in her.

But it's a shame when your DD has a set a relatives that take an active interest in her.

It's just that it isn't an "active" interest in DD at all - I've asked siblings over to my place and to go out, said I'd welcome the company and chance for them to spend time with DD and do not get any interest in my invitations. I don't get any contact from them to ask how we are doing, offers of help etc. In contrast my SIL messages me often and has spent some days off visiting me. They only want to hold DD and take photos of them holding her when the family gets together for birthdays/fathers day etc. I've cried about this today as it's another instance where I "do something wrong" by my DM then get stonewalled for days or weeks. This is the first occasion with DD so that bit more upsetting.

I get what you mean OP. My nine day old DD was passed to my BIL and his wife at the wake following FIL’s funeral - BIL hadn’t even had the decency to speak to my husband at the funeral so it really pissed me off to see them playing happy families with my baby. If you can’t be decent to the parents then I don’t think you deserve to cuddle the baby.

When your dd is mobile op you will be handing her around yourself just to get a cuppa in peace!!
They are holding her not taking her home!

Hi Op,
Your family aren’t treating you right. I’m sorry. I urge you to contact your gp and get a referral to your community mental health team. With a baby under 1 you will be prioritised. So please, please do it now. When you speak to GP and then the mental health team you need to be clear about the impact on you and your mental health - don’t pretend you’re fine because you won’t get help. And no one who has to cope with a toxic family is fine.
I was really struggling with anxiety when pregnant with dc2. I’m now part way through a series of cbt sessions. It has helped a lot.

Please seek help now when you will be prioritised. It’s utterly shit having to cope with a crappy family but you can get help to deal with it more effectively.

Thank you @smallplant @stompydino - I'm glad that others feel this too and I'm not just being precious!

@Dontfartbackinanger

• thank you I've signed up for accessing some counselling support through my local IAPT. Thankfully it's a direct self referral service so don't need to go through the GP. I need to think more about what I want to get out of it.

Still being ignored by my DM but I figure I'll just leave it now. Frankly sick of it all. Of course I don't know of it's because of this but who knows. I'm ashamed to say yesterday was my birthday (which was a lovely day with DH, DD and SIL who lives nearby dropped in as well) but I didn't hear from DM but got a text from DF and texts from siblings.

Good luck OP! I have a dysfunctional family and big events such as births or deaths really makes the dysfunction glaringly obvious!

Your mother ignored your birthday?! That is mean 💐 so sorry

Your mother ignored your birthday?!

Yes well I saw her a few days beforehand and she brought round card and gifts but then did not hear back from her at all to my texts / calls at all and no happy birthday on the day just from DF. So I'm still assuming that as I made the comment to her that I don't like DD being passed around that's why I'm now being ignored. In my heart of hearts I know it's unforgivable to ignore your daughter on their birthday just because they dared to voice themselves but that's clearly not how my DM works. I am so down about this. I sincerely hope I won't treat DD like this when she is older.