to wonder why some parents seem to delight in being so harsh to their older children

[smithsally884]

this is not a TAAT but a thread about multiple threads,
I have 4 dc 23,20,17 and 13 and it is perfectly possible to raise youngsers to be decent, kind hardworking people without needing to punish
I don't understand why kids have to be punished at home for a misdeed the school have already punished them for.I don't get why kids are expected to be more perfect than adults. For example if I have a bd day and eat all the chocolate then I accept that I have done it cause I am human.why can't kids have off days too?

I hear you.

And the 'they are 12, they can do their own washing/make their own tea etc - never do anything for them ever again'

WTAF

I think it's a raise yours your way and butt out of other people's ways tbh.

Most adults can self regulate most children can't, so if you eat all the chocolate you know that was bad for you and don't do it again (or do and affect your weight and health), a DC getting into the habit of emotional eating needs to be addressed as it's the parent's responsibility to teach them how to be healthy so they learn to self regulate. The punishment for school behaviour, for me it depends, if a minor infringement let the school deal with it, if they've really misbehaved, hurt or upset someone there would be extra home consequences, there are too many children who don't respect school authority because in their eyes their parents don't agree with the school, so why should they do as they are told. Also doing chores etc is part of live and growing up, it's why we have so many first year students who don't know how to pay bills or operate a wachine machine, surely the point is to raise functioning adults?

butt out of other people's ways

but it's a discussion forum!!

Yes but how people raise their kids is nothing to do with you.

For eg I'm sick of people who don't punish and/or are raising incompetant, can't cope with life adults. Mothers who wipe their arses well into their 20s. But I keep my beak out unless I'm asked.

Yes but how people raise their kids is nothing to do with you.

They are asking for opinions.It would be a bit of a slow board if nobody commented because you thought it was none of their business to do so.

And how does talkin to children instead of punishin them, make them incompetent and unable to cope with life?.Could you explain why you think one leads to the other?

Most parents of teens l know - don’t let them do anything!

My step dc have had their mother do everything for them their whole lives. Now they are late teens / early 20s they have no idea how to look after themselves. Our jobs as parents are to raise independent people is it not? It doesn't help the children by doing everything for them.

I don’t think I was ever particularly harsh with either dc as they went through teens but one was just forever pushing the boundaries and had to be kept in check. We did fall out a lot over those years but are really close now. The other dc was easy and no need for fall outs.

Regarding school punishment it depends on the crime. Didn’t complete homework = detention. That’s fine, they got the consequence. Rude to teacher= detention/ letter of apology from school and definitely a home punishment as well because they have to know that being rude to teachers is unacceptable to both school and parents.

A lot of young adults are late to growing up in this generation. It’s a common phenomenon and very complex. However they will all get there and surely that’s ok? Harsh is quite a strong word. Most reasonable people are trying their best to be consistent and sensible.

I suppose different things might work with different kids. I think punishments are needed in schools but in my family what works is building the good relationship with them first and then that causes them to care what i think about their behaviour and leads to them toeing the line. I tell mine off, which is a form of punishment. I haven't needed to do more than that with my teens, but perhaps some kids need more.

they are 12, they can do their own washing/make their own tea etc - never do anything for them ever again

I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone say that. I've certainly seen posts such as "DC's favourite outfit is in the wash and she insists I wash it for tomorrow" and "DH and I won't be back till late, but DS says he will be starving before we get home" ... to which I think telling them to do their own washing/cook their own tea as a one off is perfectly fine. In fact I'd argue if your teenager didn't know how to do their own washing/cook their own tea, you were doing a pretty poor job.

redsky. There was actually a thread just the other day about a 12 year olds school tights, one of the responses was 'At 12 she is plenty old enough to do her own washing. Show her how and never wash another thins for her'

So yes, it absolutely does happen. So sad.

that one actually shocked me. Imagine never washing a thing for your TWELVE year old 

it is perfectly possible to raise youngsers to be decent, kind hardworking people without needing to punish

and OP this is where you are going catastrophically wrong. Just because yours are/were, doesn't mean everyones dc is the same. Don't cast judgement unless you've walked in their shoes.