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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say something to this woman about my brother?

14 replies

nomorenonsence · 05/11/2018 14:06

I have two brothers one is 54 and has had severe mental health issues most of his life and another who is 58. They both still live at home with my father who now has dementia. My eldest brother is a carer for both my brother and my father. I am the youngest and live with my husband and children in a near area. I do see my family often and help my brother with caring for my brother and father although the bulk of it falls to him.

My oldest brother is a lovely, sensitive man but struggled to make a life for himself. He dabbled in various creative careers but nothing really stuck and while he still has some artistic hobbies he hasn't had paying work for years now.

He has not had relationship success he met a woman online some years ago and the dated long distance for a while but it didn't work out.

I know his life is very difficult at the moment with his caring responsibilities as well as his own health issues and depression but I am worried that he has an unhealthy interest in the daughter of his friend. She is in her mid 30's and helped him build a website for his hobby. He has become somewhat obsessed with her and imagines he is in love with her. She lives with her husband and is most likely oblivious to his feelings as she has known him for 20 years and sees him as an uncle figure. I know she seems to him like an escape from his situation but its so unrealistic and I worry its only a matter of time before he does something to embaress himself.

Should I say something to this young woman or to her father (my brothers friend) to try and stop this situation getting worse?

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 05/11/2018 14:08

Has he told you he is 'in love' with her, or is this something you've worked out by the way he speaks about her?

Original poster
nomorenonsence · 05/11/2018 14:14

He has told me he has strong feelings for her and has reason to hope she feels the same which is nonsense. He is living in a fantasy about her and I understand why. She is a beautiful and kind young woman who has been lovely to him and he is so unhappy and lonely.

OP posts:
Itsnotmesothere · 05/11/2018 14:35

I don't know if it's your place. If you say something, you will humiliate him. If you don't he may humiliate himself, better he does it himself.

I feel very sorry for your poor brother. Have you impressed upon him how unlikely it is that his fantasy will become reality?

Itsnotmesothere · 05/11/2018 14:38

How long has he been a carer for your family? Is it possible that his development has been emotionally stunted? Does he get respite and much opportunity to go out?

VladmirsPoutine · 05/11/2018 14:40

Don't say anything to the woman in question. Focus telling your brother that he risks ruining their relationship if he were to act upon this apparent fantasy.

Original poster
nomorenonsence · 05/11/2018 14:45

He has lived away from home before as has my other brother but never far. He moved back home a few years ago when my father deteriorated.

I think he hasn't had the relationship experiance so he is very inexperianced in that regard although he is intelligent in general. I have told him that it isn't likely to work out as he hopes but I think he just wants to believe its possible. Perhaps he will never say anything but just keep the fantasy going but I think he's getting ready to say something as their project together is coming to an end and he won''t see her so much so he wants to do something to ensure he keeps seeing her.

OP posts:
HoleyCoMoley · 05/11/2018 14:50

Poor man, he sounds a bit lonely really. Does your dad and younger brother receive any professional care, it's such a lot for one person to deal with and he may well benefit from some time off. He must feel quite isolated and has perhaps latched on to someone who he has got close to. Have your dad and brother had care assessments done in their home from the social services team.

MissWilmottsGhost · 05/11/2018 14:51

Surely it would be better to speak to your brother than to speak to her or her DH Confused

Have you pointed out he is being a bloody idiot and is more likely than not going to wreck his friendship?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/11/2018 15:54

It sounds like you've already tried to have a word with your brother about how he sees this woman. I think it might be worthwhile having a chat with her now to make her aware. She may already be aware of how he sees her but it might be of some benefit to them both if they can remain as friends and things don't become awkward between them, which is what would happen if he makes a bit of a fool of himself.
You're only doing this from a position of concern for them both and not trying to interfere in any way.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/11/2018 16:11

Absolutely do not say anything to her! But it may well be necessary to be considerably blunter with your brother.

I would approach it from the 'while you're obsessing about her you're not seeing real opportunities for happiness out there' angle. I might even throw in a 'are you choosing to focus on her (and a relationship that is NEVER going to happen) so that you don't have to take your chances on a real relationship where it might not work out'.

Stress to him that she is happily married, and sees him as an uncle and nothing more. And ask if he is retreating into a comforting fantasy, all the better to avoid the harsher reality where relationships can be tricky to start and trickier to maintain?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/11/2018 16:15

Oh, and he needs to get out more! I suspect this young woman and yourself are the only women he has personal contact with. Suggest night classes or similar. Local to me there are 'lunch clubs' which aim to counter the isolation many older people feel. I'd expect there may be similar local to him, maybe you could look into them and suggest stuff to him?

tiggerkid · 05/11/2018 16:19

Should I say something to this young woman or to her father (my brothers friend) to try and stop this situation getting worse?

Absolutely not! This woman is in her 30s. If your brother does or says something she isn't comfortable with, I am sure she is more than capable of responding! It probably will be an unpleasant situation but that's life. On the other hand, many people have feelings that they never act on. You don't know if your brother intends to act on his feelings or not. Living in a fantasy land is harmless. Just let it be.

And if he does do something or say something this woman doesn't like, well, she is an adult. I am certain she will be able to speak for herself. The other thing is you never know how she may respond as you aren't really in a position to read her feelings or her mind. She may feel the same way as your brother or may start feeling that way when she discovers he likes her.

We can't control other people's lives. Live and let live.

diddl · 05/11/2018 16:36

It does sound as if he might obsess about any woman who showed him any attention at all.

How much chance does he have to get out at all?

InfiniteVariety · 05/11/2018 16:51

Don't speak to this young woman - speak to your brother. Tell him (clearly but gently) that from your perspective she seems to be happily married and that in your opinion he is misinterpreting her kindness. Mention that you think she sees him as an "uncle figure". If he chooses to ignore your advice, she is an adult and will no doubt deal with the situation perfectly well, but you are trying to help him avoid the embarrassment of that

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