To want to spend Christmas with my partner.

[AnxiousButFunnyWithIt]

Ok, I’ll try keep this short. We are both divorcees and have been dating for 4yrs. We do not live together for a number of reasons, he has a young adult child at home and I have a teen at home. He owns, I rent but we have been discussing recently about getting a larger house together. He also has a teen who lives with mum and her new partner. Who have been dating the same amount of time as us. Neither of us were still in relationships when we got together.

So, Christmas - we both have one parent each who we both get on swimmingly with. I adore his parent and we joke mine likes him more than me or my sibling! His adult child is going to the ex wives for Christmas as they spent time with their partners family the previous year. My teen always has the day with me and a second Christmas Day on boxing day with her dad and family. My partner and I spoke about having both parents, my sibling and our teens at mine, I have a much larger kitchen etc. His teen has asked him to just have Christmas alone with him and his parent and he’s agreed. I’m really upset. He says he’s really sad that Christmas will be this way and I can tell he is. Our teens are the same age and I’m afraid I’d be telling mine we’re all having it together. I adore both his children and we spend a lot of time together. His teens has said Christmas is for families and she doesn’t know my sibling or parent and she doesn’t really but I’m not sure that he should just say ok then and not see us. I feel like such a spoilt bitch writing this but it’s really upsetting me. Am I being silly? There have been (private) tears.

YANBU for wanting to spend Christmas with him but equally he's NBU for spending it with his child and parent

Your priority seems to be ‘family’, his seems to be ‘his kids’.

He can say he’s as sad as he likes, but obviously not sad enough as it’s his choice to do it this way.

Nobody is wrong, nobody is right...but I’d be taking a step back from the moving in together idea.

Doesn't seem like the idea of living together is going to happen anytime soon - if ever.
Surely plenty of time before Christmas to start 'bonding' with each others dc's?

I suspect you've got your answer here. You're trying to make a family together. He's not.

We have been on holiday with our teens! It’s just my parent and brother she hasn’t met a lot. Brother lives overseas. I’d have it anywhere we were all together, his place if it suited his teen better.

Yes - I think maybe our priorities are very different and the moving in together could not be on the cards at all!

Yes! This! This is it, I want to talk to him about it without a row and this is one of things I’ll say. Thanks.

YADNBU. It sounds like you're not both on the same page

I would use the festive period to consider your options for 2019 and beyond.
And suggest he does the same.

I don't necessarily think he's on a different page to you … when I was expecting DC1 we had invited MIL and her OH for Christmas Day: OH then informed us that they had been planning on having his DD and her family. My DH said 'ah they're lovely, it'll be great' but I didn't know them (met once, yes they were nice) and I didn't fancy the prospect of Christmas with them. Nothing bad, I just wanted to relax and I didn't like the idea of people being around who I didn't really know (yes I am a bit uptight!) Maybe your DP's DC is thinking along these lines, and I must admit that when I was that age I always wanted to be at home for Christmas - you can disappear to your room, help yourself to sweets and drinks, etc which is always a bit more awkward at someone else's - no matter how lovely they are. Is there no way you could maybe come together at some point during the day? And maybe make sure going forward that the DC meet your parent/sibling as much as possible.

So the teen lives with the dm's bf but you aren't family? How odd.
How will you become family kept at arms length then?

If the teen doesn't know your Mother and brother and it will be in your house, perhaps it will be a little overwhelming for them. Its your family Christmas. I think its great that he is listening to his child saying, I feel a bit uncomfortable about all this.

Cant he compromise with her. Spend the morning with his teen, and then over to yours for the day?

The only issue seems to be that she feels uncomfortable with your parents and sibling. I would think after 4years together there wouldnt be separated christmases.

I don't think you're being silly, but neither do I think that this is LTB territory. You both have different ideas about how to blend your existing families which is fine. What you need to do now is really talk that through - how do you both see next Christmas working out, for example? Has anyone talked to the teen about you living together? How do they feel about it? etc etc.

He had suggested his house too, which wouldn’t be a problem, and she said she’d just prefer it the three of them.

I'm an adult in my 30s with kids of my own, and this year is my year to spend Christmas with my mum, who has announced instead of her hosting it, her boyfriend of 1year will host it at his, with his kids/grandkids/his sister and her own kids too. I'm dreading it now. I don't want to spend Christmas Day with people I don't know. I want to be comfortable and in somewhere I know and can help myself to drinks or snacks and not feeling like the odd one out of a bigger family occasion.

I totally get where his DC is coming from. Try and find a compromise - he has dinner with his family and you with yours, then all of his family come over for drinks and games in the evening or something.

I don't think his DC's reason for not coming is fair or valid, family isn't just nuclear family and it seems unfair that his teen would put a damper on Christmas because your brother and parent will be there. Maybe though it's his DC's way of expressing some sadness over the fact there is a new family and teen would prefer things remain the same. Those are valid emotions but I'm not sure your partner should have given in tbh, maybe acknowledge how teen feels, and explain how important you are and that each person in a relationship comes with family that's important to them? Just feels like being stuck if the teen gets their way. Again valid feelings but not a reason to not spend Christmas with your partner, especially when you all hope to be a larger family down the road.

I don’t want to LTB! He’s a wonderful man and he is genuinely upset and being in this position. I just need to know how to deal with it tbh. And as foolish as it may sound I don’t want to have to tell my family we aren’t all spending it together. I know they’ll think it very odd. Especially my parent and teen. What @piffle11 has said has given me food for thought and may help explain better to my side. I will not make a fuss and his DD will not know I’m upset. That’s not my game I’m just at odds with my emotions. Having them here in the morning or early evening could be an idea too.

Ahhh! Christmas pressures and expectations.

I love Christmas and like it to be a big celebration of food and presents. My DH has different needs at Xmas largely down to his DF dying when he was 7 and his family not bothering much.

I tried hard to make Christmas fun for his DCs when I came into their lives (I was not the OW) as I wanted to make it nice for them and felt sorry for them not having big Christmases. If I could do it again I wouldn’t bother. It was never appreciated, used as a stick to beat me with by his eldest DCs and I ended up resentful and knackered.

If your relationship is good in other aspects, I’d let it go. It’s just one day. Enjoy spending time with your family. Let him spend his Xmas day how he wants to with his DD. They may both really enjoy having a whole day to themselves or, more likely, both be bored. She may stay in bed all morning, then slob around absorbed by her phone and he has to do everything on his own.

Or invite them over for the evening.

I can understand that she wants to chill out and help herself to stuff etc but I do think she's being a bit self-centred. It's one day!! Presumably she has two weeks off school - she could do as she pleases the rest of the time. Part of growing up is realising that you must compromise sometimes, for others' sakes. It's not as though she's 6 and wants to play with her new toys at home - she should be perfectly capable of chatting to your parent and brother at 13+.

"So the teen lives with the dm's bf but you aren't family? How odd."

Yeah that stuck out to me too, does the teen see the dm's bf as family as they live together and it seems more serious or is the teen not given any input into that relationship? Just wondering what the set up is there.

It seems clear that any offer to share Christmas day is going to be rejected as they want to be a trio, I say step back and leave them to it and have a think of how things are going to be going forward, joining households does not seem likely in the near future, OP.

Test the waters this year by inviting the partner & his dc for drinks & mince pies at yours on Christmas Eve or another day. It's a good way to introduce your wider family informally but for a short time. Then if they accept or decline you'll have your answer as to how serious they regard your relationship.

@bangwhistlepop2 we have met every Christmas Eve for the past two years and are doing it again this year.

I think DP parent will be very shocked we aren’t all together he was with me and my family last year. DP DC was at DP on Christmas Eve up until she went to her mums etc for Christmas Dinner. DP had dinner at mine.

I suspect his dd has no choice but to accept her mum's bf, as he lives in their house.

I can completely understand why she wouldn't want to spend Christmas Day at your house. I'm sorry op, but I think your dp is doing the right thing by accommodating her. As pp have said, compromise by spending some time together in the evening.

Why would you want someone there who doesn't want to be there anyway? No good can come of twisting her arm.

Once Christmas is over, when the pressure is off, bring this up again and set your expectations for next year.

@gloomymonday I would never force her to be here. I posted this to try and get clarity of my thoughts. I’m quite an emotional person and I’m really being helped with the posts as I am able to look at the situation from a different perspective.