Am I being too precious?

[auraaura]

My in laws don't care for my feelings as a mother but are good with my dcs.

They will be looking after my dcs 2 days a week. I am grateful for this and I want to be out of the house 2 days a week but my mil wouldn't hesitate to say that I missed a milestone, for example.

They also gave my dc food before we started weaning. I was talking with mil saying that we were going to start weaning now and that we were excited etc. She said, oh yes they are (beyond) ready. She wanted to wean at 4 months. And that they had enjoyed the yogurt they'd been given the other day.

Anyone else find it rude or AIBU?

So you don't want to know if your children do something significant?

It's only going to get worse if you use them for childcare.

I would rather pay for a childminder that have my parenting undermined that.

Giving food when you hadn’t said it was ok isn’t ok. Don’t really understand rest of it. Are you working those two days?

The weaning thing is annoying, she shouldn’t have done that.

I can see why she would tell you about milestones though. Is the issue that she would do so in a mean / gloating way?

Yes working. And yes in a mean , gloating way.

If the free childcare they provide is important to you, you’re going to have to suck it up. The only alternative is finding other childcare.

Nursery it is then..
Free childcare always has a price.

I think this can be the price you pay if you don’t want to pay for childcare. I’d be looking for a formal setting in your shoes.

Is there any way you can find/afford a different childcare solution? It sounds as though it is going to be horrible.

I don't agree with the idea that you must tolerate nasty, undermining behaviour and deliberate trampling of your reasonable boundaries out of gratitude for childcare. If her grandparents are willing to offer to look after her, that's great, but it doesn't give them a free pass to bypass you as a parent and make you miserable on purpose. The early weaning is totally unacceptable and a major red flag.

Just pay for childcare, you can't expect free childcare and then go in with a strict list of do's and don'ts. You do sound a bit precious.

I wouldn't say weaning without parents consent is a strict list of dos and don't's! The recommended advice is there for a reason and is usually to start on fruits and veg especially if under 6 months. It's also a big milestone and one that is controlled by the parents so it is mean to take that away from you.

Agree with the others.
She shouldn’t have given the child food before you’d started weaning, that’s out of order. But if you’re going to use grandparents as childcare, then you need to accept that you can’t call all the shots.

The guidelines would have been very different when she had kids (weaning At 3/4 months was recommended in the past.) I know times have changed but you cannot expect a grandparent to replicate proper, regulated childcare. Grandparents should be allowed to have their own relationship with their grandkids, and probably will spoil them a bit now and then (which is a different thing to undermining the parents.)

It’s strange how some people seem to want relatives to provide childcare but then complain that things aren’t done exactly as they want them. Use a nursery or childminder if you want to be able to dictate the terms

Free childcare comes with this kind of cost -- you need to either find some way of living with it, or to pay for childcare.

I look after my two grandsons when my dil works. I've always stuck to any 'rules' she has regarding food etc but she more or less gives me free reign with how I care for them. There are things we do differently.
There are things I am more strict about but her attitude is that when they are with me it's more or less my rules.
We've never had a conflict, she is just happy to have free childcare and she knows I love them so trusts me. Compromises have to be made. I don't tell her she is wrong and she doesn't tell me I am.