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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to know what's going on

17 replies

SillyHousewife · 05/11/2018 01:21

I don't know if I'm being a super bitchy wife or not. My husband runs his own business and he picks when he wants to work or not. Usually, I'm the main bread winner but I'm off work for a couple of months and now DH is the official earner. I like to know what I'm doing each day - sometimes I want to spend the day cleaning, doing crafts, doing some contract work for clients and generally catching up with things each day. I get really cranky when my DH has loads of work on and won't tell me whether he's going to work or not. He'll hang around the house doing whatever saying he will probably go to work but then doesn't. It drives me mad because I can't go about my business. He says I should just do my thing around him, but I get really upset that from one day to the next, I just don't know what is happening. I feel he leaves his clients in limbo and I don't feel like I can do a lot of things while he's here. I'm a programmer so like quiet time for working and if I'm cleaning, I like to put some music on that I can hear throughout the house but if he's home, music has to be turned down and it's difficult to program when someone is buzzing around behind me. DH has just stormed off saying he's going to work because I got upset over the 'won't say what he's doing' thing and I hate that he leaves his clients in limbo (he's a tradesman). AIBU?

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 05/11/2018 01:27

Yanbu, for all the reasons you’ve stated and more, it’s notppssible to get on with oh there. I need to know one way or the other if I’m going to have time alone or not.

Original poster
SillyHousewife · 05/11/2018 01:27

Should have mentioned that if I know he's having the day off the night before or early the next day, I will change my day so we can spend some quality time together but if he takes the day off by procrastinating and not being upfront, we have a miserable day because I can't plan either way.

OP posts:
irrate · 05/11/2018 01:31

Op you ANBU. I have spent all summer chasing tradesmen who have been so flaky about doing work it drove me nuts. How has your dp still got clients if he is leaving them in limbo.

It's not unreasonable for your other half to let you know if they are staying home or not.

My dp is on nights this week and next and he will be under my feet during the day, I am like you, some days I clean, some days I do my hobby, I hate it when I have someone hovering around me all day. You have my sympathy.

SuchAToDo · 05/11/2018 01:41

Op are you honestly saying you can't clean, do crafts or do contract work while your husband is home...?..that is a bit much, can't you just go in different rooms so you aren't disturbing each other?..it's his home too, why should he have to go out on his day off or on his working from home days just so you can clean and do crafts?..

Can't you listen to music through headphones or put noise cancelling headphones on while you work?..

If you worked in an office would you expect your colleagues to leave the office and nearby vicinity until you finished doing your work?

Yabvu op

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 05/11/2018 01:58

Maybe he doesn't want you to change your day?

If your there a lot then he never gets time home alone so he might be trying to wrangle a bit of time but not telling you because you'll change your day and he knows it would be hurtful to say he doesn't want you around?

Not because he doesn't want to spend time with you but because everyone craves a bit of time alone at home (just like you do)

blackcat86 · 05/11/2018 02:27

I can see how this would be quite annoying but getting really upset is probably a bit much. I think that if you ignored it and made an effort to do your own thing it would highlight to him the need to communicate. He'll be hanging around at home and you can make an effort to go out and do something. When he moans that you two could have done something together, point out as usual you had no idea what he was doing with his day. Presumably this all affects your household income to if it's taking him longer to finish jobs.

DoJo · 05/11/2018 02:48

It sounds like you expect him to prioritise your desire to have a plan over his desire to take things as they come a bit more. Neither of you is right or wrong, but it did sound like neither is willing to compromise either which could make things tricky long term. Can you tell him what your plans are and let him work around them?

Original poster
SillyHousewife · 05/11/2018 03:22

SuchAToDo - I can definitely do things when other people are around and if I knew that the day was going to be spent together, fantastic! But, he doesn't do anything except pace around the living areas (where my office, the kitchen and the lounge room are) and chat. If I'm at the computer, he will ask me things, ask for help with things, ask me if I've done his invoices and just constantly disrupt me. If I'm cleaning, I like my music on. If he's home, music gets turned down/off by him and if I put a headset on, he will keep asking me things or just hover nearby with no real purpose. I hate planning things for a productive day and then having people disrupt my plans - I've always been like this and he knows it. If he says "I'm having the day off" in the morning, I will work around it but when someone is home just hovering nearby, not contacting clients to advise they aren't coming to do the work and procrastinating about work, it drives me mad. All I ask for is to be told what is happening so I can plan around it rather than being in limbo for the first half of the day. Maybe I am being unreasonable......

OP posts:
Wincarnis · 05/11/2018 04:09

That would drive me mad!!! YANBU

redexpat · 05/11/2018 06:05

Why are you giving him all the power? He wont decide so you have to. Tomorrow I am going to be cleaning so I need you out of the house from 9-11.

And the fact that he is happy to leave his customers in the lurch tells you exactly how much he prioritised his own needs.

Polkasq · 05/11/2018 06:13

Set aside a time to catch up, e.g. coffee or lunchtime, but say you need to get on so can't chat before then.

Wear Bluetooth wireless headphones when you clean.

Accept that you both have different working styles and that neither is better or worse.

Don't worry about his clients, that's his job. Maybe they like the laid back approach or have a similar outlook. We're not all the same, and you have enough of your own things to do.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/11/2018 06:13

Is he my Plumber who’s disappeared? Twat.

Yanbu. Can you eat breakfast with him each day and then ask for a plan?

Nanny0gg · 05/11/2018 06:17

I don't understand how he works as and when he feels like when he has customers waiting.

Gottalovethesummer · 05/11/2018 06:33

I would tell him what you are doing for the day. Set out your expectations.
If he is in and having the day off or hanging about, he should do the cleaning with you.
As for doing your programming, tell him that he is not to disturb you for 2 hours. This is a reasonable request.
Also let her m know that while you are doing your hobby you would prefer to do it undisturbed.
Say you will be available at lunch for an hour or 2 to chat and assist him.

Gottalovethesummer · 05/11/2018 06:34

Her m* = him

Maelstrop · 05/11/2018 07:00

If he’s a tradesman, why isn’t he out of the house by 7.30 every day? Leaving clients in limbo=twat. I fucking hate tradesmen who don’t get in contact or just don’t turn up til they feel like it.

Troels · 05/11/2018 07:45

I'd be more concerned that he's a rubbish tradesman, who will eventually lose all his clients and become a cocklodger.
He needs to pull his act together and get on with his work not take loads of days off getting nothing done.

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