To think friends would check up?

[skittles12]

Been going through a rough patch lately. My partner has been ill for while.
So I sent message to one of my friends that I occasionally meet up with explaining why I couldn't join in a planned outing. I did get a message but not phone call from this friend. I'm sure this person told others as I got vague message from another just stating she hasn't seen me in a while. From this group at least 3 know my situation but no one has called to see if I'm ok. Am I correct to think they aren't real friends? If I knew about a situation like this I would make more of an effort. Am I right to think I have no friends? Feel I've wasted time and effort on a bunch of selfish people.

How would they know if you wanted a chat or space?

Surely if you want a chat then you'd call them? Do you call them?

Maybe they’re not sure what to say and feel awkward? Maybe they want to give you space? That’s what we’re going through atm, a friends (not close but DP does a hibbt with) 18year old son has gone missing and sadly found dead. We’ve not been in touch as what the hell do you say in that situation / we don’t want to bombard them with messages when I’m sure others are. We will send flowers and a card soon.

Reach out to your friends if you feel you need them, I’m sure there is nothing untoward going on, but I know how it can feel op. Hang in there

*hobby

If you haven’t told them how would they know?? You are just presuming they are aware. Why not call and tell them ??

Don’t just jump to conclusions- also you have no idea what may be happening in their lives right now, your problems don’t necessarily trump theirs.

Easiest way to solve this is pick up a phone and speak to them

YABU. They are nit telepathic, if you want to speak to them, call them. No, I would not expect friends to check up on me.

Raven - please get in touch with your friends. To retreat when someone is grieving is not OK. Send them a card - hardly ‘bombarding’ them.

OP, your friends are not mind readers - you are expecting too much of them.

If you say you can’t make it, it just means you can’t make the outing. Nothing more or less. It sounds as though you could do with company, though so why don’t you take control of the situation and arrange a coffee or outing at another time.

People don't really do phone calls as much anymore. You speak as though they are more acquaintances that you see occasionally, rather than close friends?

If you haven't told the individuals directly what's going on they probably feel like it's not their place to ask questions unless you mention it first.

Raven, what if everyone else has retreated thinking the same as you? I get that you're trying to be sensitive but would honestly think it's better (for them) if you get in touch

Ok maybe I don't understand the protocol. Of these things I did tell this friend my husband was in hospital when I declined the invitation. Another definitely knows the situation because her husband visited at the hospital

@cheesefield I thought they were close friends.

I agree with PP. Your friends might just think you have enough on your plate and need space.
You have a phone and are capable of texting and ringing them! If you're such good friends why not ring them and say would love a catch up 'can you meet?' or DH would love a visit when I'm next visiting.
Job done. No angst

Raven, not contacting them is horrible.

OP, I would send a message but not ring. I don't really make phone calls. I would check in via message though. It's horrible when friends don't do that.

Op, call your friends.

Raven, call your friends.

Op, just ring them for a chat, they are maybe giving you a little space and don't realise you want contact.

@RavenLG - please do get in touch with your poor friends, I know it is hard and it's difficult to know what to say, but honestly the worst thing when you are bereaved is the sudden echoing void you find yourself in. This happened to people I know; others didn't know what to say so avoided them, or thought others would be there so didn't do anything. It just increases their pain and anguish. Please don't wait any longer, there is no "better time" for this

Do. A good friend of mine suffered a terrible tragedy and her dh made it clear that he/She wanted her friends around her.

Surely if you want a chat then you'd call them? Do you call them?

Great question. OP, this a very valid comment. My mother often complains to me that she has nobody to hang out with and nobody calls etc, etc. When I ask her why she doesn't call people to ask how they are ask them to do things, she always has a million and one thing to justify her why: she doesn't want to impose herself on people, she knows they are busy, she knows they wouldn't be interested in doing XYZ, last time they talked, she didn't feel like they were that keen on chatting with her, last time they met, someone looked at her in a funny way blah, blah, blah.... She always has a never ending stream of excuses and reasons why she doesn't call people herself.

The truth is every friendship and, in fact, every relationship is a two-way street and a mirror. If you give a lot of attention and time to your friends and they still aren't bothered whether you are dead or alive, then indeed they are not your friends and, perhaps, it's time to look for new friends. Only you know how much you've given to your relationships and whether it's time to move on.

Very few strangers will proactively get involved in your life when you’re experiencing a bad situation but friends should. sending a text or making a call to offer support doesn’t take much. I personally think if these aren’t close friends then don’t take it personally but do try and expand your friend circle to get better quality friends.

JUst text them all and update. Stop expecting your friends to be psychic. They are probably wrapped up in other issues and it’s nothing personal. Just busy

Of I’d heard on the grapevine a friend’s husband was ill but she hadn’t chosen to share it me herself I’d assume she didn’t want to talk about it. She’d have told me herself if she did. So it would feel like prying to make the first move.

They’re your friends, involve them in your life. But don’t expect them to know you want to talk if you don’t tell them.

I hopr your husband gets better soon. Reach out for the support you need.

I disagree with most posters, and I think they are being crap friends @skittles12. You’ve got enough on your plate without contacting them. I know my friends would be calling or texting and sending food/flowers. Hope things improve for your family soon.

I'm conflicted. As per others, if I hadn't been told the situation directly I wouldn't know how to respond.

Similar situation - Mum in DDS class had cancer a couple of years ago. Limited number of people told. I wasn't one. Nor was a friend of mine. We agonised over what to do - say something or not. Friends daughter then directly asked the Mum what was wrong. Even then she was not up front and just brushed it aside with a generic "I've been poorly" comment. So friend still didn't feel comfortable engaging.

It is so hard to know what to say of you feel out of the loop.

So, huge sympathies that you are feeling ignored. So how about a group message to your friends explaining what is going on and saying you would love to chat, invite them to get in touch. They are probably dying to, just don't want to interfere.

It's one of those 'it depends' scenarios isn't it?

If, like me, you have a very popular DH, when he was recently critically ill, I was bombarded to the point of having a breakdown. Some people have no filter and don't know when to back off. I'm afraid I do not need in excess of 80 people demanding I update them three times daily, and then have to deal with all their return comments.

I appointed 3 other people to do the cascades so I wasn't driven insane by it all.

Thanks @AgentProvocateur I've got too much going on work looking after dc and ill dh I barely have a minute to myself plus I have no family around. I've been in situation where I wasn't told about friends dd being in hospital but once I find out through another friend I was quick to phone and even visit at hospital and offer what help I could. I would feel like crap if I knew something like this and not made an effort. But I guess everyone is different.