was this neglect?

[huoepu]

Please, feel free to tell me I'm ridiculous, ungrateful, a snowflake, whatever you like. I would just like some opinions, as sometimes I do speak with my parents about this and they always brush me off as ungrateful, and I would like to know if I actually am.

Growing up, I had three younger siblings, so a big family. My parents were young when I was born (20), and they were very sloppy - their age was always the excuse they used, but now I am older than they were, I can't see myself behaving the same way they did.

Some examples:

1. They didnt buy us clothes, if I needed something I had to go begging to my grandparents (who lived far away, so I only saw them a few times a year). Once I went to stay with them, and I only had three pairs of underpants - with holes in, so my gran had to rush out and buy me some more. My dad would then tell me off for asking them for things. My sisters and I frequently had holes in our school shoes, cardigans, etc, and my dad refused to buy us any new ones for x months. If he ever did, he would get the cheapest possible things, and they would be falling apart within a month.

1. My dad would only buy the cheapest food (Tesco Value or the equivalent). Some of it back then (90s) was so vile I couldn't eat it, I vividly remember the ham sandwiches and sunflower spread sandwiches, and choosing hunger over eating those at school lunches. I complained and begged him to get something else, but he refused.

1. They would only bathe use once a week, in a bath with two of us sharings. It was terrible when we had headlice, as they would only bother combing once a week which meant we always had them.

1. They would get up at 8:30, making me late for school every day (school started at 8:55) , I would cry every morning with the anxiety (as the teacher would tell me off for being late). As a result, I would (from aged 10) get up extra early, wake all my sisters up myself, get them ready, and even make their sandwiches.

My mum didn't work, but my dad had a reasonable salary. I understand there wasn't loads of money to spare, but when I was older, I came to learn he was spending money on prostitutes and holidays with mistresses, so he can't have been that strapped for cash.

In my mind, I feel they were at best, shoddy parents, and at worst, neglectful. But maybe IABU in that.

Yes, it sounds like neglect.

I work in safeguarding and the lack of adequate clothing, poor hygiene and shoddy routine would be a red flag for me.

Yes, definitely neglect. I’m sorry you had to experience that. I hope it helps that you can acknoyit, though I’m sure your parents never will. Knowledge is power, however, and
understanding your past can help you understand yourself now, and make better choices than them.

Acknowledge, that’s should be!

Not really sure why you’re asking the question

All sounds quite neglectful except for ham and spread sandwiches which sounds fairly standard. The rest sounds like they couldn't really be bothered and your dad prioritised spending money on women rather than his children. Did your grandparents not say anything to all of this?

Aintnothing

Are you serious?

She has every right to ask and gauge other people's opinion to validate her feelings about her childhood.

I do it a lot to help process what I went through.

So bloody rude.

Oh op I really feel for you, that certainly sounds like neglect. Have you ever considered counseling? I've got various issues similar to you and really found talking to someone helped me .

I really wasn’t trying to be rude.
Op stated the facts and it all seemed quite clear. Are we looking for a label here?

Read the title. It's a question.

@Aintnothingbutaheartache

This was her normal as a child; just the way it was. Now she's older, her parents are still telling her that it was fine. That's why she's asking. She needs someone to support and tell her that she isn't wrong.

Sometimes when you go through these things it's hard to be objective.

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to say I was abused. That people had it worse than me. But MN confirmed what I went through was horrific.

So don't try and make OP feel shit for getting confirmation of what she already knows.

Yes it is neglectful op? Are you seeing a counselor or anything?

*Sometimes when you go through these things it's hard to be objective.

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to say I was abused. That people had it worse than me. But MN confirmed what I went through was horrific.

So don't try and make OP feel shit for getting confirmation of what she already knows.*

Thanks with bells on, I often have to remind myself that what happened was not normal and need to seek validation. Sometimes when you are used to something it seems normal.

Ok, sorry.
Yes op , you had a very neglectful childhood. I’m not entirely sure it counts as abuse though.
And for what it’s worth, I’m genuinely sorry that you’re dealing with this. I really didn’t intend to be flippant about it and I hope that you get some closure

I had a similar childhood and following some time with a counsellor I’ve come to understand that it was neglectful and it was abuse. I’ve also said, “people have had it harder” so maybe I’m being ott, I’m over that now and cannot recommend seeing a good therapist that you trust. You’d be surprised by how much this childhood stuff affects your life now and also how brilliant it is to be free from it, it took a couple of years for me.

Aintnothing

The OP didn't mention abuse. She asked if she was neglected. Which she very clearly was. You need to apologise properly, not half-heartedly.

Gosh OP what you went through sounds awful, it was definitely neglect. But your first sentence, thinking you might be seen as ridiculous or ungrateful or a snowflake, really sums up the effect your upbringing has had on you. It’s warped your thinking to the extent that your life seemed normal. It really wasn’t. Good for you to vow to never be like your parents. I hope you will get the help you need to get over your past, learn to value yourself and have the happy future you deserve.

huoepu
I really would like to say a proper sorry for being rude and dismissive of your problems.
Others have rightly pointed out that I was out of order and I’m sorry.
I have no understanding of what you went through so should have kept my gob shut.
Wish you all the best

Certainly sounds like neglect but not intentional. Your young parents did the best they could, probably had little guidance and not much idea about how things should be done.

I feel sorry for you (having had similar and was an only child of older parents), but we have to let go and forgive.

Definite neglect - lazy and tight parenting. There is no excuse for keeping children in rags when there is money available - that's just tight, selfish arsehole behaviour.
You were not your parents' priority. I don't think that's down to their age, I think that's down to their characters.

So sorry you had that experience

That was neglect OP,I went through some of the same and your parents age and in my case the fact that my parents didn't want me dosen't excuse them at all.

I hope life is alot better for you now

also there is a difference between going through this out of circumstance.but still get the love and support and attentive care a parent can give.it sounds like they didn't?
I am sorry op.and it does sound like you still struggling to be bringing it up and still remmebring the details like you have put down.its still very much there.
well it was wrong.and u deserved more not only in given items but in love but in care and making you feel worthy and worth it.
I also think you know this having it hurt you,and now you saying you wouldn't ac the same? so that is a huge step.that is amazing that you've turned out seen the wrong and thought I will never act the same.so your already winning over your sitation.
do you talk to them now?would it feel better to have it out,friendly or otherwise.
writing all the pain down as if to send it to them.
writing it all down in a caring supportive letter to the younger you?
if you don't want to see someone how about looking up some books on moving past or healing from the past.
no one deserve to feel uncared for.there are people that feel it even in lesser bad childhood as yours.we all react how we react and then feel what we do from that.so you feeling are warrented.so now its about knowing this and making a cognitive decision to change ur mindset or the way it hurts to move on.and let this go.not because it wasn't worth beig upset over but because it does nothing fro you now.you not that child anymore.and it can make you into an amazing person or a defeated hurt one.
but now you can move onwards and upwards.and just literally drop it.it isn't worth your worry anymore or pain.becasue you are you from now on and now on and now on.every moment onwards.
today is the start of a beautiful life.go get it.

Aintnothingbutaheartache really nice of you to say sorry.xx

Neglect is a form of child abuse.