Mum and husband hate each other children's bday headache

[twinmummyyeah]

Hi my mum and husband hate each other (long story husband 90% blame) I've booked to take my Daughters to the ballet for their birthday with husband asked them
If they wanted grandma to go they said no it would put daddy in a bad mood and I could t cope with the atmosphere to be honest would be sooo tense mum says I've hurt her feelings as she's being excluded on their birthday although I said I would go round here at 9 in the morning before we leave for London for cup of tea so she could see the girls that day (need that like hole in head anyway as have to get train up to London by 11am!) Stuck in middle what shall I do?

ProfessionallyUnoffended

Gosh that was hard to read with no punctuation!

Did you just add a tinkly laugh at the end of that sentence?

Why can't your DM organise a separate birthday treat just for her and the girls? She sounds over involved in your family life. I have similar issues but in our case my DM puts DH and me equally in a bad mood. My DC are well enough brought up to direct most of the complaints at our ill-humour rather than the underlying cause of the angst - doesn't mean they are not well aware of it.

Not sure why you feel "guilt" at leaving your DM home alone. If, as you say, your DF died when you were 18 while in the process of divorcing your DM, she must have been fairly young and has had plenty of time to sort out her independent adult life. It is not her daughter's responsibility to fill it for her.

Obviously I do not know your relationship with your mum, but I really couldn't live with anyone knowing that they hate my mum. I'd be too angry.

Your poor kids too having to pander to him and choose.

I would be very concerned that my young children were making decisions based on what will or won't put their Dad in a bad mood. Regardless of all the other stuff about how overbearing your mum might be/ should GPs see grandkids in their bdays etc, that is really awful.

I think your mum is over-invested in your family. Seeing family on a child's birthday is great when it's not expected but works out that it's convenient. We purposely didn't get into this sort of routine with PIL because they would come to expect it.

Your DH should get priority to see his children on their birthday over your mum and I think it was very wrong of you to put your children in the position to ask them if they wanted Granny to go too, bearing in mind that you know that wouldn't be difficult at best, probably ruining the experience.

If you were divorced then your DH might well have the children on their birthday as part of your contact arrangements with him. Your mum might not get much time then anyway, same goes for other special events during their lives.

Let your mum know that it doesn't suit to see the kids on their birthday as you're out all day and she can either re-arrange or not. But don't let her blame your DH. It is 100% solely up to her whether she wants to see the DC the next day (or whenever) and is positive and happy about it to the children.

would not wouldn't

Your DH is a selfish git and should be mature enough to suck up your mum being around for the sake of your daughter on her birthday. It's not about him; it's your DD's day.

I’m not jumping in to defend your mum here as acting huffy cos she can’t see the birthday girl on her birthday is petulant diva behaviour.

HOWEVER on balance she is probably worried about you if you’re telling her your marriage is a state and she may be trying to position herself as “back up parent” should it all fall apart.

For now though, you absolutely HAVE to try and be the adult here. Saturday plan is you guys get up, have breakfast, train to London, come back after, that’s that. Screw everyone else.

Finally don’t stop talking to your mum as we all need family support and if you’re lucky enough to have a good relationship with her then hold onto that. But if there is even the smallest hint of shit stirring from her then sadly you need to find a different outlet for your upset.

It surprises me that a man would even want to go to the Ballet. I can not see any of my male relatives wanting to go. Perhaps your DH only wants to go to ensure that DGM does not go. This would show the nasty side of DH
If your marriage is crumbling you may well need your DM/DGM help in the future. Mothers are constant not all husbands are. You have said DH is 90% at fault in the disagreement with DM. He must be so proud of upsetting a widow!

I don't get all this animosity to Mothers on MN. I have had help from my DM in lots of shapes and forms over the years. I now have a DD in a bad relationship and I worry day and night. It is not easy to juggle a dispute with DH and DP but you did say DH is 90% to blame and that you have been telling DM about the troubles you have with DH. Of course she will be on your side. She could be praying for the day you decide enough is enough.
Grandparents have no rights is stated often on this and other threads that is like saying my DH is a shit but is higher ranking than the DM who is listening in despair at what DD is going through.

is your over bearing mother the reason for marriage crumbling does your DH feel she always interferes or tries to control your family?
the back history makes a difference if DH can't bear your DM because she is interfering overbearing etc making decisions for you/him then I think wanting them in the same place is bound to cause problems

when you know your DM doesn't like DH telling her bad things about him is stirring it; I don't know what your aim was in discussing it with your mother but you must have known it would be detrimental.

if you definitely splitting maybe but if you are trying to save marriage there is going to have to be some distance put between DH and DM

It surprises me that a man would even want to go to the Ballet.

My 2 beefy rugby playing sons came to see a ballet with me last year and thought it was lovely. In fact, half the audience were men.

Hi OP, to answer your question, my grandad on my mum’s side died when I was 3, so grandma was widowed during the part of my childhood that I am recalling, and no, she wasn’t invited to birthdays or school events. Not because there was an issue, it was
Grandpa (dad’s side) was also widowed and the same applies, although he didn’t come for Christmas either. We used to visit him in his house, no more than once a month, although dad may have seen him a bit more frequently.