Understanding my ex-partner (the mother of my daughter)

[JohnS1]

Good evening, I wanted to get your thoughts on how I should approach my ex-partner on a sensitive topic that's been left untouched for about 5 years.

I'll need to give you a bit of background so I'll make it as brief as I can:

I had an unplanned pregnancy with my ex-partner. We were not living together or married. When my ex-partner told me about the pregnancy I wasn't keen on her going ahead with it for a number of reasons: our age (we were 43 at the time) and the fact we weren't getting on well. I basically said that I would accept whatever her decision was. Anyway, she gave birth to a lovely baby girl in June 2014 and I have a really good relationship with my daughter. We are still not together. My ex-partner is a single mother. I see both her and my daughter every weekend when we have some 'family time' together.

My ex-partner and I don't really have a great deal to say to each other anymore and the time I spend at their place is really just focused on my daughter. Unfortunately I have not been able to have much quality time alone with my daughter as my ex-partner always wants to be present. I do want this to change however whenever I mention it I get the whole 'you didn't want me to have her' thrown in my face. She says this whenever I try to change the current arrangements which she controls completely. her words used to make me very distressed (especially in the early days)- I definitely don't carry the guilt that I used to.

I feel some advice from you on how I should move forward would really help me so thanks for any thoughts.

John

Truthfully I'd start with legal help to at least know where you stand. Your ex cannot control the situation forever.

Can we start with your arrangements, e.g. maintenance, how the current arrangements were made, has there been any legal/court involvement, etc

I know access is not based on payment, but it would be easier to give any advice if we know how you got to where you are now.

Basically, she probably has little reason to prevent you from having more/unsupervised contact, from what you have said so far.

Ooh! That posted too soon.

Mostly though, you need proper legal help.

We may be able to reassure you that you have a right to want more, but we can't say much more than that!

Get some legal advice OP
Assuming you are both named on the certificate and pay maintenance you have legal right

Get some advice first to understand where you stand and then take it from there

My ex stays at the family home 3 days a week to see his dd. This is my mutual agreement, for the past 18 months. Purely because he lives in a shared house. What is your living arrangement?

I agree that you need to get legal advise on establishing some normal, routine contact. Your little girl will start to realise your contact arrangements are odd. There is, I assume, no reason for her mother to have to supervise your contact and co troll your relationship in this way.

Lots of parents are sperated, and lots of dads have 50-50 share in th parenting. You need to establish and exercise your rights, for the sake of your daughter.

I feel for both op and his ex. It’s true that op could go to court and have more custody arranged that way but it seems unnecessarily aggressive and would cause damage to the op’s relationship with his ex. I think what op is asking for is reasonable and also that if the ex doesn’t have a support network then it would be great for her to have time off parenting while op looks after dd. So, I’d say the op has the legal and moral right to spend time with dd in the way he’d like to. But...

When I was single parenting and had to do all child care myself I did become a control freak. It was a habit and a coping mechanism. I was so used to telling myself ‘you have to do this or no one else will’ (be it get up at night/ clean up sick/ deal with tantrum/ go to doctors/ hang out washing/ etc) that I forgot how to make space for the help or opinion of others.

My older kids’ dad sees them every other weekend and although we get on I still resent the fact that I do all the parenting chores and he comes along and gets to play at being the jolly uncle for a couple of days. It may sound petty but all the little things, the nit combing, shoe shopping, potty training, reading practice... they are endless and take over all the spare time you have. I suspect your ex feels (wrongly) that she has earnt the right to control your access to dd by dealing with all the literal and metaphorical sh** of child rearing. Add to this that the ex must have been very hurt by op not wanting the child she was carrying- even though that’s no one’s fault.

I wouldn’t go straight to your ex with the announcement you’ve spoken to your lawyer. I’d do three things:

1. Try to understand why she feels the need to be there when you see your daughter. Ask clearly for what you want. If she says no, ask her how she’d like to go about you spending time with your dd. Try and make it something you work out together rather than you demanding what you have a right to.
2. In addition to getting your time taking dd out for treats you could offer to spend time with dd in a way that is also helping out: babysit, take dd out to get new shoes fitted, pick dd up from after school one day a week.
3. Aknowledge the work your ex has done in raising your child. Get dd to make mother’s day, birthday and Christmas presents for your ex. Any thing that comes up like school reports, eye tests, swimming lessons, ask how they’re going and provide a space for your ex to talk though all the boring parenting decisions that have to be made.

Good luck.

I'm all for negotiating your way out of this OP but the truth is that unless there are some major safeguarding issues, legally your DD has a right to a full relationship with you and it's currently being restricted by your ex.

If she won't negotiate on this, the courts will almost certainly award you unsupervised contact, including overnights once proper contact is established.

How long does your ex intend for this arrangement to go on? Your DD is getting older and it can't continue like this. I can see how it came about when she was a baby but it needs to move on now.

You have to approach her about this and not when your DD is around. You would have to consider mediation before court and that might be a good solution if there isn't too much animosity anyway.

You are entitled to a relationship with your daughter separate from her mother, especially at her age. She is not a newborn who needs her mum nearby. That is assuming that you weren't abusive in your belief that she shouldn't go ahead with the pregnancy and simply offered an opinion but also said you would be supportive.

Lots of women have doubts about going ahead with pregnancies, it doesn't mean they aren't good parents when the child is born. I would suggest asking about starting with a few hours out leading to overnight contact, if she disagrees you can suggest a mediation appointment. If she refuses that too then seek legal advice otherwise you will be doing this for the rest of your daughter's childhood.

Agreed with other posters - this cannot go on forever.

Do not go in guns blazing and threatening court - this will undoubtedly lead to a shouting match and lots being said that will damage your relationship.

You need to sit down (preferably without your daughter around) and civilly set our what you want and try to understand her view on this. If she is being obstructive you need to probe as to why she feels you can't have your DD on your own etc - this kind of thing can help reveal to people how irrational/plain stupid they are being with their thinking.

Ultimately she holds a lot of the power and she knows it. If she is not open to the idea, you should remind her that her daughter will benefit from:

• closer relationship to you
• days out/fun experiences with you
• more opportunity to see your side of the family (probably good to mention any other kids in the family e.g. cousins etc that she will have opportunity to develop better relationship with)

Also remind her that she will benefit from:

• a break! get to put her feet up, catch up on her favourite TV show or the housework etc, or see her friends
• not having to put up with looking at your ugly face (joke!) and having you get in the way in her house if that's where youre seeing her, or having to waste her time to travelling to other places if you're meeting her elsewhere.

She will throw the 'you didn't want me to have her' comment at you more I'm sure. Remain calm, do not engage and end up in a big argument. Rationally explain that it was your thought at the time, but obviously it was her decision which you supported and you are happy DD is here.

I would try this kind of approach for a few weeks - if no luck then drop the court bomb. The threat could work as it's probably not something she wants to go through. If it doesn't, it could end up with some months of not seeing your daughter (if she refuses to allow access whilst the legal process is ongoing). You can get a free consultation with a solicitor on the issue and they will be able to confirm your rights and likely results. You can quote what the solicitor says at her. Assuming there is nothing untoward about you, you will have no issue getting a contact order and comments such as 'you didn't want me to have her' will carry no weight in the court.

In preparation of potential court action, before bringing this up with her I would be trying to obtain clear evidence (texts/email exchanges/bank statements/dates of when you have had contact, what you did, photos of contact) of your current arrangements that evidence that you are a good parent and have safe and appropriate contact with your DD and support her financially (I'm assuming you do).

Good luck. I hope she can think rationally and see this is best for your DD.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments- it's very much appreciated. I'll post a fuller reply later tonight.

John

My DH was in the same position, a combination of him getting his own place, the child reaching 5 and asking to see him, Ex's need to school pick up help and the start of solicitors involment got him access in the end.

If you’ve been having consistence contact and paying proper maintenance for the four years, then it’s time she stopped using the “You didn’t want her” as a stick to beat you with IMO.

Mentioning court access won’t be pretty, but it might be what you need to do.

Could you get legal advice about mediation to talk about custody. It may be easier if someone else is there for the discussion to keep things calm.