I have concerns about how a relative is bringing up their 5 children – this is not meant to sound judgemental. Kids age range from 16 to 9, plus my relative has an adult daughter in her early twenties. Mum is a single parent early 40’s and I’m 15 years younger.
Mum and kids moved a few years ago to the city where I was studying – no other family members were here apart from me. This was to escape domestic violence from the father of the kids, arranged by social services. I suggested she and the kids come to the city I was so I could provide some support etc. I helped arrange support e.g. housing/schools etc when they arrived. I have continued to provide support and almost is the other parental figures, as quite frankly mum is not coping as she should.
For a backstory, mum’s domestic violence from dad has been longstanding and I’m sure has been her only relationship, I’m sure. She had their first child at 18 and went on to have four more children. He’s been in prison and I’m sure their relationship started as child sexual exploitation (he’s a few years older and they started seen each other from when she was about 13). Dad also smoked heroin / crack at times and created havoc on an estate they lived, accusing a neighbour to say she was raped by him. The eldest child two years ago accused the dad of raping them when they where 12/13. Dad was deported from the country about three years ago.
A few examples
- Mum has a habit every few weeks / month going to the city we all originally came from to go to a parties. They are travelling back from our home city (2/3 hours away) now, as mum went out. Despite one child starting a new school tomorrow due to behaviour concerns and another one having a GCSE resit exam resit in the morning. They are not due back to around 9pm tonight. Mum also did a similar thing when GCSE exams were on
- Children seem slightly behind developmentally (no SEN as far as I know) probably due to the fact kids do not really mix with others or go anywhere. It is very difficult and concerns me I cannot have a serious conversation with the older children about future education / career choices.
- Mum works in a cosmetic retail store, but often at weekends – both Saturday and Sunday leaving the kids to do as they please, one of the children often stays at a friends house despite mum not having been round and issues in friends house.
Youngest child has a mattress on the floor and no proper bed. (Mum has said she’ll buy one once she decorates – on going for six months now). There is also no carpets in the children’s bedroom
- I’ve suggested a family holiday to a caravan type place, offered to contribute but have been rebuffed (mum seems to think she’s a cut above this) despite the fact she has never taken them away but has managed to go on an adult weekender every year for the past four years.
- Mum has spoken about the dad casually and messaged him despite what has happened, the council at a child protection meeting said if she makes contact / visits him they will not hesitate to take the kids into care
- Mum is also in financial difficulty and expecting bailiffs around again over a parking fine that really could have been avoided. They often live week to week and have no money for food sometimes at the weekends. However, mum has started back up driving lessons
- Mum and the kids to are secretive and often only find out about situations when it’s in crisis.
It seems to me mum is reliving her youth and putting her needs first and it appears she tolerates her kids and doesn’t particularly love them (I could be wrong). She is often in the kitchen watching youtube videos on her phone, whilst the kids are upstairs in the living room / bedrooms up to their own devices.
Mum’s mum and other relatives has been aware of the issues for years, but nothing seems to have changed and now its getting worse. Mum previously fled twice before but both times came back, I know this is quite common
My thing is, I feel I’m picking up the pieces for her poor / non parenting and mum and the oldest kids appear to be ungrateful for my support. I’m constantly asked for things including sweets, clothes etc, and most times they come and visit I’ll have to feed them, no money given etc
I have recently been diagnosed with a progressive and somewhat serious illness (mum and her mum are aware not the kids) and feel I can’t continue to pick up the pieces for much longer, I’m reducing hours at work and need to put myself first. Mum hasn’t asked how I am or popped in for a visit (we only live 10 minutes awa), in fact when she found out the same weekend she went to London and asked me to look after one of the kids and had to pay for her coach fare back.
Really unsure what to do here, I feel I can’t manage and do not want to be proxy parent when I’m not being listen to or appreciated. However, I think its wrong the environment the kids are being brought up in and it’s by no means the worse.
I’m seriously considering call early help / children’s services at the council to see if they can arrange any support although mum will probably refuse and pretend everything is rosy.
Unsure if I’ve done too much – they seem to be reliant on me when things go wrong.
Does anyone have any helpful advice or wisdom? Apologies for the length, didn't want to drip feed