Telling someone when they upset you. Ok or not ok?

[Moonshine1111]

I'm trying to work on improving my relationships with people. I had a heart attack earlier this year which I believe was caused by stress, so I've been eliminating stressful situations and people as much as possible.

1. I split with my partner this year, he broke my heart and I was devestated. 2 days later my best friend (who had only met him once) went out and 'accidentally' met up with him and spent the evening with him. I told her this was not acceptable to me and I was incredibly upset by it. She told me I was crazy and as far as she was concerned she had done nothing wrong.

I decided to give her another chance as I thought I'd made it clear this wasn't to happen again. A week later she texted me and asked if I would mind if she started messaging my ex. I said I did mind very much. She ignored me and we haven't spoken since. Was I unreasonable to say no to her? Was I unreasonable to tell her the first time that it was not ok for her to hang out with my ex? She is now telling everyone i am crazy and to stay away from me, so I've lost other friends now too.

2. My other best friend is so unreliable. She often changes plans at the last minute, usually because she forgot she double booked herself, and she always chooses the other person over me. It happens maybe 1 in 4 times that we arrange something, so I'm always on edge when we make plans not knowing if she is going to turn up. Quite often I'll already have spent time and money cooking for her, for her to cancel last minute. It's so stressful dealing with her.

I haven't seen her in 3 months as she's cancelled plans every time we've made arrangements. Last night we were meant to go for dinner. In the 24 hours leading up to it she sent around 10-15 texts changing the time, place, cancelling, re-confirming, cancelling then confirming again... It got very frustrating. This continued right up until an hour before we were supposed to meet. As a result, the other friend who was joining us cancelled and said she couldn't deal with the stress.

I (gently) told my friend that her constantly changing the plans was stressful and I asked her to consider the impact it has on others in future.

The friend did not take this very well at all, she sent me a load of abuse calling me some very nasty names and said if I was a real friend I would have kept my opinions to myself.

As a result, I have told her I am ending the friendship and I have cut off all contact.

My question here is, was it right for me to tell her that her unreliability was causing difficulties? I understand her view that sometimes it is best to say nothing, but in this case my options were to either stop being friends with her and just not tell her why (as I couldn't deal with the stress anymore), or tell her and give her an opportunity to be sorry and change. Would you rather someone told you if your behaviour was upsetting them, or should they just ghost you/break off the friendship and not say why?

I'm not sure if I just haven't picked my friends very wisely or if I'm just not tolerating the same nonsense I used to before the heart attack, because I have to be so careful about stress. What do you guys think, please help??

I had a situation where a small group upset me and there were two people in particular I was upset with as I thought we'd become close. I debated whether to just be stroppy about it, but really where does that get you! So I just said to them separately, "I was a bit upset by blah blah". One person took it well, apologised and actually said she admired me for speaking up and that she wishes she could be like that. The other person slagged me off to everyone else, basically calling me a drama queen. But that in itself showed me which person it was worth being friends with. Funnily enough the one who called me a drama queen ended up alienating the whole group in the end because they were an asshole! Real friends can accept hearing that they've upset you and will do what they can to make amends. The rest really aren't worth bothering with. I would also definitely speak up again if someone upset me.

As always, there’s much more to the story but I was trying to keep it short.

Friend 1 played a very active role in trying to get us to end our relationship, she constantly complained about how much she hated him. She was very forceful in getting me to block/delete him after the split. Which I did and I regretted it deeply after.

So I guess much of this is my regret in allowing someone to influence me so much to cut someone I loved out my life when I then realised they did it just so they could go after him instead. And to then rub my nose in by asking if I minded!!! I never said she couldn’t go after him, just that I did mind very much, that I couldn’t stop her but I found it very weird.

For what it's worth, I actually don't think my ex would date her, I think he has more respect for me than that and she's not his type. It's the fact she tried that is more upsetting. I don’t know for sure whether they are seeing each other or not, they’ve blocked me on social media so I wouldn’t know.

Second friend is really sad as sometimes she's as lovely as can be, and that's why I put up with the flakiness for so long. But the rest of the time it's full of these dramas and I think I've just had enough now. I will definitely try and use the suggestions here if it happens again with someone else (which hopefully it won’t but you never know).

I’d heard you need to set boundaries/standards with people, but I thnk that is the bit I don’t really understand. Can you imagine meeting a new friend and then sit them down and say ‘right, here’s the deal, I don’t expect my friends to go after my boyfriend, to let me down regularly for no good reason, to lie, to insult me, to call me names…etc’ If someone did that to me I’d be running for the door!! :D

It sounds like the loss of those two friends is no great loss at all - certainly not the former (and I do not believe for a second she did not know your boyfriend at all when you were going out, given her behaviour). The second friend it may be a bit more sad to lose - perhaps she reacted badly because she was upset to have her ridiculous flakiness pointed out (most likely because you're not the first person to accuse her of it, so it's a sore point). However, from an outsider's perspective, the two of them sound like self-centred pricks you are well shot of.

Keeping a list of occasions people have let you down on sounds pretty stressful to me, OP!

I don't actually keep a list!! Sorry if that is how it sounded. It's just really easy to recall when last week I cooked a huge meal and she didn't turn up, and 2 weeks before that I had bought tickets for a play that she cancelled last minute and I didn't want to go on my own and she wouldn't pay me her share so I lost my money. I don't think that is keeping a list, but losing that much time and money every couple of weeks is the sort of thing I tend to remember unfortunately.

First friend - you can't really tell people who they can and can't see unfortunately. If they don't know each other and only met once what makes you think she tracked him down? How long were you seeing him.

No that's fine, and I haven't done that. I just told her how it made me feel. We were together nearly 2 years. She knew where he'd be that night. It was something he and I were supposed to be going to together. She knew I was at home crying over the fact he'd left me, and she went there instead. So she knew he would be there. She knew I wouldn't be. But she forgot. Apparently. That's why I wrote my original post in the way I did. I think judging by the other responses it is generally accepted that going after your best friend's ex isn't ok, so I am comfortable with that now, thanks.

To me, you come across as being a little confrontational. I'd say with the second friend, you made it all a bigger problem than it needed to be. The third friend felt fed up and cancelled without needing to give the flakey friend a list of her faults.

Sorry if I seem confrontational. The whole point of this was me trying to save the friendship in the kindest way I could. This is why I've asked for advice. Actually the third friend did tell her what she was upset about. 'a list of faults' is a bit of exaggeration, it is just the last minute cancelling of plans I was upset about. Friend number 3 has ended their friendship, I was trying to give my friend a chance to change by explaining why we were so upset by it. She has lost many friends recently because of her behaviour, I was genuinely trying to be kind. It is really interesting how different people have taken this.

How long were you with your ex if your best friend had only met him once? When you say they spent the evening together do you mean just that or that they slept together?

How long were you with your ex if your best friend had only met him once? When you say they spent the evening together do you mean just that or that they slept together?

2 years. I've only known the friend for a year of that. I kept them apart because she constantly moaned about how much she hated him, so whenever she told me to invite him out with us I didn't do it. He also felt that she hated him and he didn't really want to come out when I was seeing her.

They only spent the evening together, I know they didn't sleep together. She hinted that they did, but I know he went on somewhere else with his other friends so I'm comfortable that nothing happened.

Ok so I definitely think you’re unreasonable with friend one I’m afraid - she can spend time with who she likes.

Friend 2 - annoying and tbh I’d have just went and kept to the same original plan with the other friend.

Why/how did she come to hate someone she'd never met or had only met once?

Were you always running him down to her?

I see what your saying OP but it’s a bit more subtle than that. People sense something about your boundaries, so instinctively know whether or not they can give you the run around, so you don’t have to have ‘the conversation’. Firstly it’s worth assessing them early in the friendship, so you can tell if they talk about themselves and then change the subject each time you start talking about you, you can guess they’re unlikely to put you first in any situation. If they generally arrange plans to suit them rather than you is another sign.

You may really find them fun so want to have a friendship with them but I wouldn’t invest too much of myself with these kind of people. For instance, I wouldn’t confide in them, I wouldn’t put myself out for them and I wouldn’t be their confidant or the person they ring up in the middle of the night when their boyfriend dumps them.

Even with more generous spirited people I wouldn’t be the one that always drops everything to fit in with other people’s plans. I wouldn’t always be the arranger. And if someone was flaky, I wouldn’t be so keen to always make firm plans (let’s see how we feel nearer the time kinda thing), flakiness can go both ways!

Oh and I completely think friend one was terrible - getting you to dump boyfriend and then going after him herself makes her no friend. Friend two sounds selfish, so more fun companion than best friend material.

I think it's fine to tell someone if they have annoyed/offended/hurt you, but you have to be prepared for them to say "sorry you feel that way, but I see it differently". There are some people who seem to need to be in constant confrontation with someone, they remember every single detail, every facial expression and mull over and over who said what. They not only want to say their bit but make it into a drama, where they are constantly calling the shots. Too much hard work IMO.

@cutietips ,that's a really lovely and helpful post, thank you so much. I've saved that advice and will think about that more.

Same goes with some of the other helpful comments and tips, thank you

Why/how did she come to hate someone she'd never met or had only met once? confused

Were you always running him down to her?

No it was the exact opposite. I love him to bits and to me he could do no wrong. I genuinely think he's an amazing person and the sun shines out of him, I never let anyone say a bad word about him. That's what she didn't like. She said he didn't treat me right and I deserved better. I thought he was perfect. (I know I was probably blind as it can't have been that perfect as he wasn't happy enough to stay, even though I tried so hard to make it work he never tried)

I would not want either of these two friends and I think you acted reasonably.

Totally agree. You can't stop your BF from seeing your ex, but it's really shit thing to do if she's YOUR BF. YANBU for telling her that. When my ex (many years ago) asked my DS out shortly after we broke up, she had the decency to ask if I would be upset if she did.

Regarding friend 2, I would have quietly dropped her. But if she'd asked why, I would have told her pretty much what you did.

You deserve better friends.

I wouldn't call anyone I'd known a year or so my best friend.

I used to put up with the sort of flakiness you describe in scenario 2 because I really liked the friends.

But it started to really bug me so I was honest every time they cancelled/messed me about. Not confrontational, but just told them that it had upset me and why. They apologised and didn’t do it again. We’re still friends, years later and I really value their friendship.

You’re welcome Moonshine. I think there’s some really good advice here about how to approach these things (SoHumble, for example). It’s definitely possible to change how people treat you. I have experienced this in my own life. It seems a bit hackneyed but the phrase, we teach people how to treat us, has been useful to me in changing how I am. As well as getting people close to me to treat me better, I’m also a lot less bothered about how randoms behave. There’s a lot of stuff online about how to be more assertive and believe that you’re good enough.

Really feel for you OP, friend one sounds calculating and manipulating. Friend two is giving you the run around. I have been in a similar situation recently and told a friend how I felt and haven't heard from her since.... very upsetting as we've been friends for many years. Hugs for you xx

In the words of William Blake:

I was angry with my friend
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

He's talking some sense I think!

A friend you’d known for only a short time repeatedly criticised your boyfriend who you adored even though she only met him once...?

Why on earth did you stay friends with her?

This is what we mean about boundaries.

The very first time she did this you should have shut her down and told her you didn’t want to hear it.

Allowing it to continue was rather disloyal to your boyfriend.

You don’t have to agree boundaries in advance but you call people out on bad behaviour immediately they overstep your boundaries.

I cannot imagine continuing a relationship with anyone who said they hated my lovely DH.

The key thing about boundaries are that they are yours and for YOU not for the other person.

Only you know what you find unacceptable, you need to maintain that for yourself , you only need ever communicate these if you feel that your relationship with someone else would benefit from hearing what they are. Sometimes you don't need any such communication - just know that a certain dynamic is not for you and just let it go.

I would say that to know yourself and learn your own boundaries is essential but as to how much other need to know these things about how you personally tick depends upon how much you value their input in your life.

As long as, once you decide how a situation is making you uncomfortable you do not let it continue (in any way you chose to regulate the situation, be it communication, lowering contact, ghosting etc whatever you feel) you will then be living the life that suits you best and not every Tom, Dick or Sheila who come along to try to make you fit in more with their agenda instead of yours.

Go with your personal 'radar' of what is and isn't acceptable. Everyone;s is different. Yours is the one that matters in your own life,