Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not want to confide in my friend anymore?

22 replies

OldChair · 04/11/2018 07:58

One of my closest friends is a man, both single, always fairly clear boundaries around it being platonic only. We've long been in the habit of telling each other a lot about our lives, hopes, insecurities etc as well as our day to day lives. For example last week he both told me what he had for breakfast, what he did every evening, what he's watching on TV and what he talked to his psychiatrist about- to give you a feel for the range of topics. He encourages similar disclosures from me too, always asking what I'm up to, how I'm feeling etc. It's more intensity than I have with anyone else.

He's started seeing someone - it's early days, but he really likes her. I think it's great, but don't want to confide in him as much/talk to him so much anymore as feel weird relying so much on another woman's man. I also know how it would look to her, and if they do get serious know it's just a matter of time before things change anyway. I guess I'm protecting myself too. Also last time he was involved with someone he ended up telling me so much about her it made me uncomfortable when I met her.

I've found myself pulling back/not replying to his messages as much and know it's just a matter of time before he asks what's wrong. AIBU to do this or am I being silly? And if he does ask WIBU to tell him?

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 04/11/2018 08:00

I guess you need to ask yourself if you would behave the same as you as re now if your friend was a woman.

TidyDancer · 04/11/2018 08:01

same as you are now is what I meant!

Original poster

OldChair · 04/11/2018 08:02

I wouldn't, but our friendship is oddly close. Even though we're just friends sometimes I do think it's because we are m/f.

OP posts:

Original poster

OldChair · 04/11/2018 08:03

Plus it is the optics of it I suppose. When he tells me all his problems I do wonder if he ought to be telling her, not me. And I feel odd sharing my issues with him too when he's seeing someone. It doesn't feel classy somehow.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 04/11/2018 08:05

You're quite right to pull back for both your sales, but tell him what you're doing and why. You're giving them space to work on their relationship.

Singlenotsingle · 04/11/2018 08:06

Sakes

Bubba1234 · 04/11/2018 08:07

Go with your gut for sure. Pulling back sounds like a good idea

Petalflowers · 04/11/2018 08:08

Wow, sounds a bit intense. Why would he tell you about breakfast, his tv viewing etc apart from ifs it’s something unusual.

I think it’s natural to take a step back.

If you don’t reply, when he contacts you, is it because he is worried that you are not okay (caring), or because he feels you are ignoring him (controlling)?

Swanhild · 04/11/2018 08:09

I think you either have some very fixed ideas about gender and relationships, or things are not entirely platonic in your head. As a pp said, would you be thinking about a female friend who started a new relationship in terms of relying on ‘a man’s woman’? Or are you one of those people who thinks that married/partnered male and female friends shouldn’t go out for dinner together because ‘that’s for a spouse/partner only’, and that having a close, opposite-sex friendship if one or both of you are married is emotional affair territory, as I’ve often seen on here? He’s not a pet dog who can only have one female ‘owner’.

Original poster

OldChair · 04/11/2018 08:12

If you don’t reply, when he contacts you, is it because he is worried that you are not okay (caring), or because he feels you are ignoring him (controlling)?

That's a good question. Possibly even the latter. He gets quite needy at times - ie just yesterday I ignored a message from him so he sent another with a question I had to answer about 10 mins later. I don't know.

He is a good friend to me, I just feel nervous about it and can't articulate why

OP posts:

cushioncuddle · 04/11/2018 08:13

You need to talk to him about how you feel not just go cool on him.
It seems like an overly intense friendship regardless of seeing other people or not. I don't want to know every detail of a friends life nor they mine.

Original poster

OldChair · 04/11/2018 08:15

I think you either have some very fixed ideas about gender and relationships, or things are not entirely platonic in your head

Good point. I've many male friends but this one seems different than the others due to the frequency (talking every day) and intensity.

Plus if I was the new girl I wouldn't like it. Not that amount of contact anyway.

OP posts:

Swanhild · 04/11/2018 08:26

You seem to be giving a lot of thought to his new girlfriend — why? Do you feel replaced? Is that what happened the last time he was in a relationship? How long has your friendship been going on? Does a little part of you find him attractive?

brighteyeowl17 · 04/11/2018 08:27

Is it platonic 100% on both sides?

JingsMahBucket · 04/11/2018 08:28

Plus if I was the new girl I wouldn't like it. Not that amount of contact anyway.

@OldChair you don't know that though and I think you're projecting your fears onto her. Possibly as an excuse or a reason to pull back from him. I'd just speak to him directly about it. I'd be really hurt if a very good or best friend of mine started to pull back simply because I was seeing someone.

Swanhild · 04/11/2018 08:31

Yes, why do you feel there is only ‘room’ for one woman in his life? I’m happily married and my best friend is male and also married, and we talk all the time.

Pinkyyy · 04/11/2018 08:31

I wouldn't pull back to be honest, you're obviously a very close friend to him and I doubt him having a potential girlfriend means he wants to lose you. You can always tell him you're not interested in the ins and outs of his love life. I think pulling away will just come across as you being upset/not happy for him, which I'm sure you are?

diddl · 04/11/2018 08:53

If it's early days for his relationship then why would he be telling her everything yet?

He does sound very intense though.

I'd be stepping back for that reason alone I think.

ColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway · 04/11/2018 09:02

I would just be really honest with him -tell him what you've told us here. I agree with pp that going cold on him without explanation is unfair and will just set up anxiety for you both.

Talk to him, tell him that you're really happy for him but want to allow his relationship some space. If she's right for him, she may be fine with him having a female best mate and it could work out well.

MrsStrowman · 04/11/2018 09:05

I had a male friend I was this close too, my natural confidante, the person I'd share good news with first or if I was having issues, as well as just chit chat about the most mundane things, it was mutual, we were this close for years, certainly some of his ex partners weren't keen on how close we were despite it being platonic (genuinely so for years). We're married now with a baby on the way. If him being in a relationship makes you feel you need to pull back, was it really just a platonic friendship in the first place? I have some very close female and male friends, but there was always something different about my friendship with now DH.

Original poster

OldChair · 04/11/2018 09:22

I think you’re right mrs. It does feel different to other friendships. I don’t want to get hurt. He’s always been so clear it’s platonic I don’t think I’ve ever let my mind wander in that direction but maybe I’m fooling myself

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 04/11/2018 09:26

'as feel weird relying so much on another woman's man'

I'd not be relying on anyone really.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread