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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum not to let herself in and then complain about my house

29 replies

Blackberry10 · 03/11/2018 17:14

I have seizures that are not controlled but I always get an aura so I can get myself safe. I work at at school over lunch and was asked to stay in for the afternoon to cover for a TA.
I finish work to find 6 missed calls from my mum. I ring her and she is horrible saying she won’t soeak to me while walking home

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 03/11/2018 17:16

Did you miss half the post?

ShotsFired · 03/11/2018 17:19

yes, there seems like a lot missing from OP, but in any scenario, anyone who is a guest in your house should have better manners than to comment on the state of it.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/11/2018 17:23

Who was walking home, you or her? I don't talk to people while I'm walking, and I don't much like talking to people who are walking because I find it difficult to hear their voice against the traffic noise. I don't think that makes me horrible.

Iwanttobreakfreefreefree · 03/11/2018 17:44

Sorry my phone lost battery
So I got home and rang her and he went mad saying she knew I was due to finish at 1 and she thought I was lying knocked out so her she had my dad let themselves in to house.
She then proceeded to say she and my dad where heartbroken as the state of the house. They had obviously gone all the way through the house as she said there was no sheets on any of the beds (they were in the wash that morning and I had I hadn’t got round to putting on a new one yet). She said there was a bag of pasta on the kitchen floor (it was a huge sealed bag that I had bought this morning but had to dash out to work so bad time put the stuff in the fridge and freezer but put the pasta down to find a space for later. There was also a bag of rubbish in the bathroom bagged up to put in the outdoors bin once it has been emptied
When I could get a work in a said we are not allowed our mobiles on us at school (which she hates) so she said I should have gone to the office manager and asked to use the phone to let my mum know I was staying for a few more hours (I am 35)

Iwanttobreakfreefreefree · 03/11/2018 17:48

She always does this and checks up on me. If I don’t answer straight away it’s panic stations ring my husband at work. She rings at least three times a day quite often when we are on days outs and if I don’t answer or I am out of signal all hell breaks loose. I get accused of being selfish. She is a neat freak and has never approved of my house and nothing i do good enough.

Iwanttobreakfreefreefree · 03/11/2018 17:54

I am also seeing a phycologist at the moment who told me my mums constant criticism is a cause of the seizures. I told her this and she promised after a paddy to stop and then I get this phone call with her crying down the phone saying I am a disgrace and not fit to be a mum.

She has not been in touch since and it is bloody bliss.
My house may be a bit untidy at times but she will think nothing of cleaning doo poo off shoes in the sink, cleaning it a bit with some washing up liquid and then putting pots in. Also cooked meat under raw meat and that sort of thing. Also she never ever washers her hands after the loo so I would argue her house is more of a germ trap then mine

OhBigHairyBollocks · 03/11/2018 17:57

Ask for your key back seems like a quick win to me.
What does your husband think of all this?

OhBigHairyBollocks · 03/11/2018 18:02

Fwiw OP, my mum is exactly the same. It sounds like the relationship with your mum is really impacting your health- the psychologist sounds like she is on to something.
There always was a thread (or collection of threads maybe by now?) about toxic parents, I think it was called Stately Homes? Always worth a look.

Iwanttobreakfreefreefree · 03/11/2018 18:03

He is furious. Everytime they come they criticise something so he is of the opinion if they can’t say something nice or at least keep there gobs shut they can stay away.

I also have fibromyagia so the housework does sometimes have to wait till I am having a good day or the weekend when husband pitches in. Quite often work knackers me and I am in pain so the housekeeper get left for a bit

Holidayshopping · 03/11/2018 18:06

I wouldn’t give the time of day to anyone who spoke to me like that.

ShalomJackie · 03/11/2018 18:08

Change your locks if she won't return your key

DarlingNikita · 03/11/2018 18:17

Get her key back. How rude and unhelpful. And wanting you to let her know you'll be late back from work Hmm She needs help.

InfiniteVariety · 03/11/2018 18:17

Insist she returns your key. if she refuses change the locks. Job done.

sueelleker · 03/11/2018 18:20

And change your phone number.

DistanceCall · 03/11/2018 18:22

Your psychologist is right. Seizures can be triggered by psychological stressors - I had a boyfriend to whom this happened.

Your mother is controlling and abusive. Tell your parents you want your keys back, and if they don't hand them over, change the locks. And block them for a while.

Keep working on this with your therapist. You don't have to put up with this.

MrsTerryPratcett · 03/11/2018 18:25

Key back. Enforce boundaries. Call her at set times only.

EmmaGeddon · 03/11/2018 18:25

Get your door key back or change the locks. Tell her to stop interfering in your life.

SandAndSea · 03/11/2018 18:25

Change the locks.

Iwanttobreakfreefreefree · 03/11/2018 18:26

I just find the idea of going to the school bursar and asking to ring my mum and tell her I will be late is laughable. If i was a pupil fine but I am a 35 year old TA

EdisonLightBulb · 03/11/2018 18:32

Have you name changed and aren't your your parents helping you out with an abusive partner at the moment? Do you think they are worried about you, your Heath, your safety, your state of mind?

diddl · 03/11/2018 18:40

I think if it was a routine for you to regularly call your mum to say that you had got in from work OK, then it would fine to ask to make a call from work explaining that you would be working iater than usual.

Why does she have a key?

Obviously the first thing is to get that back.

Perhaps there was a time when it was advisable for her to check on you regularly?

However if that is not necessary & you have told her not to, then of course she shouldn't.

Iwanttobreakfreefreefree · 03/11/2018 18:40

Yep and my mum and dad are not helping at all. I feel work is the one place I can get away at the moment and then I have missed phone calls and and abusive messages from my mum. I just feel I am being hit at all angles now. I have my husband and parents telling me I am an unfit mum.

I wanted to name change as my SIL is on here but I cocked it up.
My husband is living away at the moment but comes back at the weekend to see DS and help me with the physical housework. He is having anger management but it’s too little to late.

MulticolourMophead · 03/11/2018 18:41

OP, You're not being selfish, she is, and controlling to boot.

Change the locks anyway because she may get a key cut before hadning back the key she was originally given.

She doesn't need to let herself in, and in the event of a seizure I'm guessing your DH is first on the emergency contact list, so she doesn't need you to be constantly at her beck and call to reassure her you're alright. She'll obviously get told if anything happens.

DistanceCall · 03/11/2018 18:42

Go to the Stately Homes thread, OP - you'll get support there. I think you need to seriously consider cutting your parents off. This is seriously harming your health.

Iwanttobreakfreefreefree · 03/11/2018 18:48

my husband is still the first port of call as he does not get in a state and panic about them.

I just want to be able to step out the door or stay at work late without having to check in.
Me and my husband have a holiday abroad planned and we are still going together for DS (we have vowed to put DS first) and I am getting guilt trips about going abroad by my mum that she does not fly and can’t get to me if something happens. She always checks out the hospitals online before we go abroad to see what the facilities are like.

Incidentally she was in hospital a bit ago and was in A and E for over 48 hours and I stayed with her the whole time. My dad got to go home for a break but she needed me that with her. (Dispute her nagging me other times that lack of sleep causes
seizures)

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