Family fallout advice needed

[username56789]

Ok back story
Me and my dad have for some years not got along . He can be very opinionated and if you don't agree with him he is very nasty . He is also very moody refusing to come to dc birthday parties and other occasions. He is also rude if he does come to social occasions ignores people makes it obvious he doesn't want to be there . It's quite embarrassing and I'm constantly worried that he is going to upset someone.
We have fell out a few times over very petty things but then he's refused to speak to me even if I'm not in the wrong . 2 Christmas ago we had a disagreement and he stormed off and refused to speak to me for quite a few weeks , I decided I'd had enough of this it's upsetting and out of order decided to cut contact with my dad . After a few months and my mum going on trying to keep peace I relented and all was ok for a while but admittedly didn't see much of him . Then last Christmas I popped round and my dad completely blanked me , my dm made a excuse that he was tired the usual excuse but he didn't utter one word even when dd said bye . I told dh and he said it's just that's your dad . Anyway saw briefly at Christmas ok but like I said brief . My ds birthday early this year we had birthday party at home . My dm came made a excuse my dad can't come I could tell she had had a row with dd as drunk 2 glasses of wine very quickly. My dad picked her up after a couple of hours she was tipsy but deffo not drunk . My dad sent me very abusive text to me for allowing to get dm drunk basically he said f you .
After that I blocked him as it was the final straw I was very upset and fed up of being upset with his abuse . My mum has tried to be peace maker but me as dh said must be apology and fed up of him being like this with me . My mum understands that he is unreasonable but that is how he is . I think it's emotional abuse how he is with family .
Fast forward to now my dB has got involved and said my dad e-mailed me and wants to get in contact.the email is no apology just that he is missing me ( I don't think he ever thinks he's done anything wrong) My dB has sent me another message asking me to reply . Aibu for not wanting to have a relationship with dad ? I'm just happier without him and I honestly am fed up of the fall outs and being upset after . Advice appreciated and should I reply ? I know if I don't I will me the unreasonable one as dad has made a effort . My dh is no help either with advice.

Wouldn't ever talk to the abusive arsehole again personally. He sounds vile.

If you get back in touch you are setting your children up for the same treatment.

How do you feel about your children being treated like that?

The rest of your Family are enablers and think it's OK for you to be treated badly.

Stick to your guns.

Nope, don't get involved again.

You don’t have to reply. Have you seen the stately homes threads on here? They would probably be very useful, they’re in the relationships section.

He’s a bully and you’ve finally had enough, remember that feeling and cut the nasty fucker out of your life.

Stay well away.

Tour family enable him and it’s toxic. You say yourself that you’re happier without him in your life - just remember that and stay strong.

No don't reply.
Don't engage.
You have done nothing wrong.
You are better off nc with him.

No reason not to reply to your db, just explaining what you have said here.
Dear DB
Thanks for getting in touch but I'd prefer it if you didn't pass on messages to me from our df. I'm just happier without him and I honestly am fed up of the fall outs and being upset after so I'm not planning to get in touch with him.
(then change the subject) How's life/ your dcs/ your new car? Bla bla
Love User

Have you told him how he makes you feel? Maybe he needs to hear a few home truths and if he doesn't like it and not willing to change then you have your answer. You cannot be blamed then for not trying. His loss.

Yes don’t bother - he’s abusive - but can you still retain a relationship with your mum without him? Or help her get away from him? He must be giving her worse treatment.

I've been Nc with my parents in the past, currently vlc, Nc with sister - that will not be changing.

In my experience the difference with getting flying monkeys to back off is if you're VERY clear about that you're no longer having contact of any kind with that person and don't wish to discuss them or be discussed with them. It's about setting clear boundaries and telling those that try to breach these to cut it out!

No pussy footing about this.

"I don't want anything more to do with dad. I won't be seeing or communicating with him at all and I don't want to hear about him or have you telling him stuff about me. I'm not interested in discussing this further"

Not everyone does but I told my sister the last time (I'd been Nc twice before and persuaded to get back in touch - always for her sake not mine) exactly why too. When mum started with the usual "she doesn't even understand why you're doing this" I was able to show her the text I'd sent AND sisters very nasty reply! In my case that helped my mum to understand I wasn't doing this without good reason - previously sister had been very careful to ensure mum didn't see that side of her, this time she slipped up twice - mum also saw her being physically aggressive to me sister didn't think she was in the house at the time.

Just because people are family doesn't mean it's healthy to keep them in your life,

Re dh lack of advice, he may just not want to influence you for fear he'll later be blamed for your decision.

First time I went Nc I was still with now exh, he was same but after I'd made the decision was 'bloody about time! They do nothing but make you miserable, they only care about themselves'

Thank you for your reply's much appreciated.
@Disabrie22
Me and my dm still in contact but she knows I wont go to her house she comes to me now. My dm has never expressed any desire to leave him but agrees she makes excuses for him . I think they are in denial my dB still lives with them even though he's well into his 30's . I think they just except that's how he is . As a child if he was in a mood we would have to walk on eggshells to keep him happy he's still like that now as I'm told but I don't want to fall out with dm and make her choose sides so I don't discuss with her.
@Haffdonga I've sent reply to dB to explain he's not replied so far .
My dm wants to come round tomorrow. I really didn't want to get other family involved but may have to explain how i feel .

@emss55 I would love to tell him exactly what I think of him . I think rest of family are scared of him . I'm just done I think and also don't want to make things worse . He kind of rules the roost if you know what I mean.

@Graphista
I feel for you, I'm a little annoyed with family in that they put up with his behaviour and that they haven't asked me my side of things even though I haven't made anyone pick a side I think they should support me they know he is unreasonable.

Unfortunately what I think you haven't twigged yet is you're the family scapegoat. Sorry.

You will never be in the right or a priority for them, your feelings are unimportant.

So you have to protect yourself however you need to.

Your father may be domineering and your Db the golden child (emphasis on child - why on earth is he still living at home?) but your mother is not blameless in this.

She chose your father and enables him and your brother in their behaviour. I'd be very wary of seeing/treating her as any kind of ally.

They are all quite self obsessed tbh . I have another dB who doesn't live with m & d . He also is on my df side as in the past has made it clear even without asking me what happened.
I think I probably need to man up and tell dm how I feel It won't go down well , but I can't pretend to get along with him to keep him happy and bite my tongue every time he is out of order . I think my family is all they have known so don't know any different.