AIBU to be very moody and petulant?

[bubbles092]

I feel like I am actually acting like a child. We are currently visiting my DH's family who are from a different country and so there's a massive language barrier.

We are going on outings together but I feel like a soured face cow because they all talk amongst each other in their own language (cannot speak English) so I am just standing there. My DH has noticed I am moody and withdrawn and I clearly said what is there to smile about? I don't have a clue what the hell any of you are saying!

I just want to go home. I feel so guilty because he is a massive family person and hasn't seen them in years and I do love him so much for being a kind hearted person but I just feel so out of my comfort zone and lonely, I have nobody to talk to except my friend through WhatsApp which is once in a while due to WiFi issues. I just sit there when they all talk and so I just take myself off to the bedroom and stay there/go to sleep. Pointless me sitting there when I cannot understand anything? But he expects me to sit there and be happy and smile about everything 

Would you consider learning a bit of the language just so you can interact a little? Does you dh translate for you at all?

He just says he will tell me later but he never does. And it is impossible to learn for me! Too quick and too hard.

I don’t think you should be moody and petulant about it, I would resign myself to it s aone off. But I think it would be reasonable to go to bed or get a book out or something seeing as though your BF is not trying to include you.

How long are you there for? I think if it's a one off and you say he hasn't seen them in years you might just need to get over it.

Do they speak any English ?

Really your Dh is a bit of a prat, not ensuring your inclusion with his wider family.

But going off to bed will unfortunately reinforce the 'awkward DIL' stereotype. Most people can make them selves understood through body language and facial expressions, and if you stayed into the room, you'd pick up the rudiments of the language and be able to get by on basics.

You woul find the language much easier to learn if you tried to communicate with them - it’s all about exposure!

As this trip is a rare one off for your DH I think you need to suck it up. Smile, make an effort to at least be there and be gracious, do what you can to learn the language. I don’t think that’s too much for your DH to ask.

If you tried to interact you'd be surprised at how fast you picked up the language and I think that, if people could see that you were actively trying to engage, then they'd in turn make more effort to include you.

Talk to your partner? Be constantly annoying and insert yourself into the conversation, ask him to translate what they said, ask him to translate comments that you’ve made to them. Try to pick up atleast the basics in his language.
I worry about how I come across when my partner and in laws are speaking, that I look all spaced out and moody but it’s just that trying to follow along takes 100% of my mental capacity, and it’s exhausting and I still only understand the vaguest gist of the conversation. Learning another language is hard and I completely get how frustrating and exhausting it can be to be surrounded by people who you don’t understand and who aren’t communicating with you, so I sympathise hugely.

Is it a place you can go out by yourself and explore on your own?

It must be horrible to be excluded

But it's not the end of the world

Either try to understand what is being said by asking questions or smile and nod and look happy

Being petulant and stroppy is for 5 year olds

Oh OP, I fee for you as I’ve been in that situation. We went on this massive 5 week trip to his family. They’re all laughing and you look like a right misery bag. I remember at first that I would laugh when everyone else laughed but after a while I got royally fucked off. And it makes you feel slightly paranoid if you hear your name.

But this is what I did to make things more interesting:

• befriended the kids. Their play is more physical and less verbal. Therefore easier to join in.

• get a notebook and make a show of writing down words/phrases you hear a lot. Ask a member (not your DH) to explain these to you. It shows that you are interested in their culture whilst at the same time reinforces that you don’t know the language.

-show off the words you learn to comedic effect. Especially if it’s quite an unknown language, they’ll love a foreigner attempting to speak their language.

• help the women in the kitchen (usually women!). Cooking is an activity full of props which makes it easier to learn.

-most cultures will have learnt some words of English. There’ll be a younger member who wants to practise. Befriend them and get an exchange going.

Honestly you can make it an enjoyable experience and you have an opportunity that people pay loads for.

Good luck

I know it's not the best situation but you need to stop ruining this for your husband. Be the better person and let him enjoy his incredibly limited family time without making him feel constantly guilty in the background.

If he saw them regularly then yes it's rude, but you say it's been years. You need to let them all enjoy this.

I love how mners always trot out 'learn his language' as if its a really simple task that can be acheived in a matter of days. I've been in Denmark for 11 years, had 4 years tuition, done a degree and I still cant understand everything my lovely country bumpkin MIL says. Thats a language thats in the same group as english.

Yy to playing with the kids.

You need to tell your dh how lonely you are because he clearly doesnt get it. Can you eascape to your room and read or listen to a podcast? Its really mentally hard being alone in a crowd.

Do you like languages? You could start with a bit of vocabulary. They‘d all probably be happy, and willing to help you. It might change the dynamic a bit.

Your dh is being a dick by not translating or involving you.

You can do your own thing without being moody about it. Smile, apologise and let dh explain that you are not being rude but obviously you are a bit at sea.
Then seriously consider letting dh see them on his own next time.

Don't ruin this for him now. You can be gracious and friendly without spending all your time in their company.

Could you use google translate to try and have a conversation with the family members - might work best on a one to one basis rather than in a group as it will be quite slow

It's hard when you feel excluded, but if your dh hasn't seen them for ages it must be nice for him to catch up with everyone. Stopping the conversation every two minutes so he can interpret for you is actually really hard work, mentally tiring and spoils the whole flow of a conversation.

It's not his fault you don't understand. You're married and therefore presumably in it for the long haul. Definitely worth you trying to learn the language. Why don't you find a language.app - duolingo or similar - and start learning a few phrases? You could then try communicating with his family a bit more. I'm sure they'd be pleased that you're making the effort and eventually you'd be included more.

What language is it?

I am an immigrant to this country, so have experienced both having to learn a language 'on the job', as well as bringing a partner back 'home' and juggling trying to make the most of seeing family and friends, and making DP feel included. I think it can be hard to understand what it is like to have one's close family very far away, and how important those times of getting together are.
I would advise you to be gracious and reminding yourself that it is only temporary. Lots of good advice upthread. If you are able to, be the bigger person, and let your DH enjoy his time with his family without feeling guilty about you. You get to have him to yourself the whole of the rest of the time. I think it is totally reasonable to smilingly sit back to read a book or do some work or catch up on some correspondence, perhaps in a quiet corner so you are still 'part of the scene', and for your DH to explain to your family that you are finding the language barrier a bit overwhelming, but are still enjoying everyone's company and hospitality. Look up occasionally, laugh if there is laughter, beam if you are brought a drink or snack and practice polite phrases. Get up to connect with your DH every now and then, letting him know that you are pleased he is having a good time.
You have a lifetime to learn his native tongue, so this is likely just a phase. In future, I would also recommend sending him off to visit his family on his own, if it is a trip he is able to make once or twice a year. Then you can avoid feeling resentful and he can enjoy immersing himself in connecting with his family.
Wishing you a good rest of your holiday