AIBU to be absolutely disgusted at my ex husbands views on Male nursery keyworker?

[findingmyselfagain]

In the last couple of weeks my 3 yp DS has been allocated a new keyworker at nursery who happens to be a man. Having spoken to him and seen him working with the kids I think he is lovely and my DS seems very happy being supported by him. I mentioned to my ex (we only separated 4 months ago) that DS has a new key worker who is a man I thought this was great and it is good to see more diversity in the staff. Ex hit the roof, asking if he toilets DS, thinks it is weird a man would choose to do that job, and started talking about pedophile stories within nurseries. Now one of the reasons we split was an obvious difference in many of our values and beliefs but this really shocked me. I was livid said you cant go around saying that, DS is happy I am happy, the guy like any staff member will have gone through all the checks required. Told him his view is disgusting, AIBU?

@IceRebel beat me to it!

My son's nursery is family run, owned by the two daughters and their mum and dad help out. Their dad is an ex policeman and a qualified nursery worker. He's a lovely man and the children adore him. My older son went to the nursery as well and this man taught him lots of things, what is left and right and such like.
The attitude that men who work with kids must be paedophiles really annoys me. I'm very happy that my sons have been at a nursery with a man and wish that Ds1's infant school had a male teacher. They used to have a male head teacher and he was a brilliant role model and the kids loved him.
I've worked as a teacher and ta in schools for the past 13 years and I'd have to say that the male colleagues have been the much more laid back ones who were much easier to get along with. They were all fantastic with the kids too.
Op, your ex's attitude stinks. Tell him to get over himself and be a proper parent to his child! Tell him the key worker is a better man than he is as he's willing to work with children to help them with their education and make them more open minded people that realise anyone , male or female can work in whatever job they want!!!

And this is why I worry for my sons' futures more than my daughter's.

Society would be enraged if my daughter were to be told anything other than she can be whatever she wants to be: engineer, mathematician, even a bloody unicorn-mermaid.

But should one of my sons decide to work in childcare, well then there's obviously only one conclusion to be drawn - he's a paedophile.

Scenarios such as this are why I will never describe myself as a 'feminist'. I believe in equality of the sexes, and situations like this show that sometimes women have the better situation, and we need to be treating men as equal to women.

Thanks everyone. Yes completely why he is an ex, utter twat. My main mission in life will be that our son will never have beliefs like his. Im embarrassed that I ever married him.

He's a doosh 😐

For what it's worth, my daughters' nursery has quite a few guys working there. And bothgirls have had/currently have a male key worker.

I think it's great they have guys working there. It brings a different perspective etc, which the kids need. The kids all adore them and are definite favourites.

My husband secretly admires them. Says it's a really brave career choice, because of attitudes like your son's father. But totally agreed they're a great benefit.

he is very wrong and the reason why female predators go undetected.
Working with children is a lovely job anyone can do

How on earth did the OPs ex views become feminisms fault!?

Yes obviously that is because it's a female dominated profession but that doesn't mean that if there were more men it would change that.

I bet he would never dream of having the same opinion about a male doctor who chose paediatric medicine as his specialism.

I work in a nursery and can absolutely assure you that modern policy and procedures makes it very difficult for any member of staff to behave in an inappropriate manner.

What I will say is that I’d love another male co worker. It’s a wonderful example for children to have a male caregiver, but men rarely will either enter such a female driven workplace or work for the peanuts we pay out very highly qualified staff.

I work in a nursery and can absolutely assure you that modern policy and procedures makes it very difficult for any member of staff to behave in an inappropriate manner.

if only that were true! My child was abused in a nursery and it makes you realise that people manage to abuse even with apparently good processes in place. Also, some abusers seeks out caring roles where they have opportunities.

When it comes to who takes care of your children prioritise what you feel is safest - not what is fairest to the workers.

It's not even a diversity thing. There's no difference between a male and a female childcare worker.

This is one area I feel sorry for men. Statistically most perps are men. Doesn't make all men abusers by any stretch.

Agree this is a terrible attitude to have.

But Squiggleirl, feminism is about women being treated equal to men, which they currently are not. Feminism is NOT about putting women above men or giving women more power than men. Not sure why you wouldn’t identify with that idea. Sure there are some areas where men are disadvantaged (like male nursery key workers) but they are few and far between. Your son is likely to be just fine - male privilege is still very much alive and kicking.

I would not be at all keen on my children attending a nursery/preschool with a male staff member in charge of toileting etc - esp non-verbal ones. If anyone has a problem with that, they can take it up with the paedo who abused me after making himself a trusted member of the community who people were happy to leave their kids with.🤷‍♀️

If it had been a woman would you now be not be keen on women in charge of toileting?

PennyArcade I don’t have any sons but yes I imagine I would be ok with a female changing them. There’s no use pretending that women are just as likely to abuse children as men - they’re not.

As I said I’m not proud of the fact that I hold these views of male nursery workers as I know the vast vast majority are wonderful at their job, but I’ve seen too much damage done by child abuse in my family to ever allow my children be put at what I would consider “extra” risk.

Reforder that's your choice. Shame that all men get labelled as paedos just because some are.

Vanessa George ring any bells with you?

But Squiggleirl, feminism is about women being treated equal to men, which they currently are not. Feminism is NOT about putting women above men or giving women more power than men.

And if you truly believe in equality, surely, you should also fight for the right of men to be treated as equal to women. Just because those situations may be rarer, does not mean they are any less deserving of support. A woman's right to be treated equal to a man in one situation does not outweigh a man's right to be treated as equal to a woman in another.

male privilege is still very much alive and kicking
And that is of little comfort to anyone when it prevents pursuing your desired career. My daughter has repeatedly been told by others that as she's good at Maths, and she can be an engineer when she grows up. Her equally mathematically capable brother never hears such comments from those outside our family. There is such a concerted effort to over-compensate for existing inequalities, that encouraging boys to be all they can be often falls to the wayside.

Reading some of the comments on here are making me incredibly sad.
My husband is a wonderful childminder, he is instrumental in the business and a key reason as to why we are constantly full.
As I said in my first post, any people who make prejudice comments about him, are swiftly shown the door.
How are we meant to ensure equality for our children, if we don’t practice it ourselves.