At wits end with my DD7

[Desperado40]

I am shamelessly posting here for traffic. DD7’s behaviour after school is completely out of hand. She just flips every time she hears a no and I don’t consider myself a strict parent. No problems at school, well behaved, ok student. One after school club so shouldn’t bee too tired. She has a younger sibling who just started going to the same school. But I just don’t get why she can be so mean. For example, I let them watch a movie before dinner and explained that when dinner is ready we will have to pause and carry on with the movie after. DD4 obeyed the rule and came to the kitchen. DD7 completely flipped, didn’t want to come to the table, started kicking and screaming how she hates me etc. It’s almost as if they reversed roles and younger one is more in control of her emotions. No idea what to do. I try to be calm, set clear rules but nothing seems to be working. I also teach that it’s ok to be angry but you can’t hurt other people. Has anyone else been through it? Afterwards, she seems embarrassed and she acknowledges bad behaviour. Next day it usually happens again. I am so bloody fed up. Any advice welcome.

The time for putting up with this nonsense is over. She is old enough to have serious consequences attached to poor behaviour. Decide what those will be, explain the new way of the world to her, and then follow through EVERY TIME she misbehaves. Half-arsed empty threats will get you no where. Your daughter is making home life a misery for everyone and it must not be tolerated.

No TV for the older one then, if she can't be trusted to pause it nicely like her sister. Think of something else for her to do. Then once she can behave nicely she can join in the film.

Has she just gone into juniors (year 3)? Mine found the change in expectation immensely hard. Top it with her sister starting school and her world has changed again.

Whilst I don't condone the behaviour, I'd look to see if anything might be causing it first.

Are they getting plenty of 'time in'? Ie time with you? Are they hungry when they get in from school? Sleeping well?

Once everything it might be has been resolved, discipline comes into play. Ie no movies before tea - you might have to allow the younger sister to watch tv and keep the older one in another room. Award extra tv time for positive behaviour.

It would be worth trying to find out whether she's upset about something in particular, I think. Having a younger sibling starting at the same school can be hard, especially if the younger one is settling in fine and enjoying herself and the older one feels she's struggling in any way, either socially or with school work (which can change quite dramatically between primary school years).

Can you find some time to talk to her without little sis there? If she feels she can confide in you her feelings are less likely to overwhelm her and result in poor behaviour.

Thank you all. I think she is finding the expectations of juniors hard. It’s almost as if she holds all in at school and lets go of anything negative at home. I just don’t know how to react to her hateful words-I never use any hateful words towards them. I do say I don’t like their behaviour, etc but it’s almost like she wants to punish me and hurt me with her words. I do shout if all else fails, which i am trying to stop. I feel like a total failure of a parent at the moment. I need some sort of rewards and consequences chart. However, I did switch of the tv in the end. Younger siblig missed out and she shouldn’t have. But we had a right hysterical circus here tonight!

@easterholidays yes, she seems tired and I will try to think of healthier after dinner snacks. It’a almost like when she flips, she becomes mr Hyde. Someone I don’t recognise at all! She one of the younger ones in her year and also quite immature for her age.

Does she have friends?

@Cherries101 she has friends but I think she generally struggles with saying no and is a people pleaser. (Not a home!) She hasn’t got a bf but there is a group of girls she plays with. I tried to get something out of her but there doesn’t seem to be an immediate friendship problem.

Is it just after school? In that case it does sound like it's related to tiredness/anxiety/over stimulation after the school day. Can you think of something she can do at home to regroup? My nephew is on the spectrum and is regularly like this after school he also finds it difficult to stop what he's doing (pausing a film would incur a massive meltdown). It's very unlikely DD is autistic if there are no other issues but even NT kids can have some similar issues. She could just be introverted and an entire day at school is taxing, an interruption is then too much for her to handle.

Not wishing to excuse the behaviour but worth considering that this week with clocks going back last weekend that's she may be struggling with going to bed at what feels like an hour later but her body clock is still waking up at what feels like 7 am but it's 6am on the clock, So they are missing an hours sleep? My dc have been a bit more testing than usual this week, I'm hopeful it's going to be better, we've had a few slightly early nights. Don't beat yourself up about your parenting, we all find it hard, and just when you think you've cracked it, it changes!

My oldest DD started having behaviour issues at the same age, particularly after school. In her case, I eventually saw that a big part of the issue was transitioning from one activity to another. I had to go back to giving a countdown or multiple warnings that an activity was about to end.

She also comes home from school "peopled out" and often needs an hour or so on her own before she can deal with her siblings

@whoWantstoKnow and @FredFlinstone... I think you are both right that she may be peopled out. She is introverted so I will see if I can find something nice to do after school to transition. Tv is a very lazy option but I use it a lot. DD7 would happily read a book afer school but then dd4 wants to chill out with tv and DD7 then wants to join in too. The movie meltdown was just one of many examples. It does usually happen after school, but fights with a younger sibling are also a trigger.
@redcaryellowcar -yes, this week is especially testing! Could be the clock change! (Holds on to hope that this too shall pass). They are both early wakers (6.00-6.30 a lot of the time). DD4 is asleep at 7.DD7 -it varies as she likes reading in bed-it could be 8.30-8.40. Maybe I need to reinstate an earlier bedtime?

I'd have her in bed and asleep for 8 - she could well be tired

Feel bad for your other DD & you, I don't have anything to add to all the good advice already given but I have one who was like this, I was that parent that everyone felt sorry for in the supermarket or on the bus, or the parent who was judged for not being in control. My DD did have a condition but I relate to feeling exasperated. Remember that things change & don't give up.

My DD is now year 4, and I think the first half term of year 3 was the hardest we've had. She was exhausted, and behaving badly as a consequence. I was really worried because the behaviour was right out of character, but she did settle in the end.

I think they do have bigger expectations in year 3, and if your daughter is a hard worker and a people pleaser she's maybe shattered with getting it all right during the day?

I dreaded it happening all over again this year but apparently y4 is more a continuation of y3 than something new so it's not been a struggle.

My DD is 8 now but I could have written your post last year when she was 7 and in Year 3. Her behaviour became atrocious at home from about October until the last school term. She held it together at school and was in fact perfectly behaved there but as soon as she was home, the floodgates opened. She would scream at us, physically attack us, and was cross and miserable almost all the time. After her tantrums, she would be full of remorse and couldnt explain why she had acted like that. We were of course v worried. The only reason she could ever give was school was stressful. I do think there is a big jump from KS1 to KS2 and she found it hard to cope despite being fine academically. Anyway, it took time and it was a difficult year but since the end of Yr 3, she has been absolutely fine and doing well at school, lots of friends, no tantrums at all. Hopefully this tricky phase will pass for your DD soon too.

I think it's a difficult time, the transition to juniors. At that point my DS became terrible and started refusing to go to school at all, kicking, screaming, clinging on to things etc when I tried to get him to go. No issues such as bullying, I think he just found it overwhelming.

Hopefully the phase will pass

Do they snack and drink after school? Some kids come out starving because they're too busy playing to eat or drink properly