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AIBU?

To want my dp to have some sort of plans regarding our future?

19 replies

chocolateandcocktails001 · 02/11/2018 17:50

So I've been with my bf for 18 months. We live apart, 40 mins from each other, both have kids and are both divorced. We both own our houses. My ex is coming off my mortgage. I have very little equity and I'm not keen on the area so it's always my plan to move. I'm in the process of making decisions about what to do but I'm finding it hard that my bf although he's giving me advice, nothing seems to relate to how he sees us progressing. Ie me buying another house now wis likely to make us living together even more difficult. We could never just move into one of our houses as they are too small for all of us. Am I being unreasonable to expect that after this long that he would have some idea of when/ if we will live together or is it too soon? I did ask him if he sees us living together and he said eventually and that it's a natural progression..... which I pointed out for us it would never be a natural progression as there are too many complexities. It would take a lot of planning. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not to push him on this

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RedneckStumpy · 02/11/2018 17:54

I just asked DH if he has plans for our future. His response was yes, I have 8 weeks of army rations and a shotgun in the basement with your name on it, together we will survive.

Not the answer I was expecting but kinda nice.

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19lottie82 · 02/11/2018 17:56

Neither of you IBU. Different people want different things from relationships. If he can’t give you what you want then perhaps it would be better to end it and find someone who will.

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jelliebelly · 02/11/2018 17:56

He obviously doesn't want to commit to moving in together - just get on and buy your new home for you and dc to enjoy. Why the need to live together??

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19lottie82 · 02/11/2018 17:57

PS many divorcees with kids are happy enough with a casual relationship, ie see each other 2 or 3 nights a week with no plans to move in together. But again there is no right or wrong scenario.

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Storm4star · 02/11/2018 18:16

To be blunt, if he wanted to live together he would have already suggested it. 18 months really isn't all that long when you both have children to consider. I sympathise with how you must be feeling but you can't push him into this. You are both divorced so you both have experience of what happens when things go wrong. In your situation, I probably wouldn't be looking to live together for 5 years or so. I think it's much better for you to get your own place and retain your independence.

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TurkeyBear · 02/11/2018 18:19

Live your own life OP. He has made his views clear.

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Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2018 18:50

You need to back off. He is clearly no where near ready to live together and I don't blame him. If you can't accept that then you need to end it.

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DonkeyPlease · 02/11/2018 18:55

We are in a similar situation 3 years in. I'd be mortified if he pushed me to buy together at this time. There are kids involved and I don't want another situation where I'm reliant on the goodwill of a third party in order to keep my home.

I think you're (a) expecting him to read your mind, and (b) nursing expectations that many people would not think are reasonable. 18 months in and never lived together - you're still in the honeymoon phase. You don't know each other yet. Why on Earth would you want to buy a house with him.

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MrTrebus · 02/11/2018 19:10

Sweetie it's 18 months. Be adult,think logically,he is not going to commit to you now and say "hey let's move in together now!" It's too soon. Do your own thing and let the relationship flow,if you all need to move again later on so be it.

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Trappedin · 02/11/2018 19:16

You gave very little equity. What does he have?

No way would I buy s house with someone that I hadn’t lived with, after 18 months and with my equity.

You both need to protect your assets

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CottonTailRabbit · 02/11/2018 19:21

He is completely right.

You are being a bit crazy. I mean you are right that if the time ever comes when you two want to live together as a blended family then it will take a lot of planning. The crazy part is you wanting to push him into starting that planning now before you both know whether that will be your future.

It's a bit like you are buying the wedding dress after a few dates. Calm yourself.

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chocolateandcocktails001 · 02/11/2018 20:50

I haven't even said in my post that I'm wanting us to move In Together right now or buy a house together!!!! Nowhere does it say that!!! What I'm asking is if I'm unreasonable to expect my bf to have some plans or views on what the future may look like and how that may happen....I'm talking a minimum of 12 months away. What I'm getting at is that I have an option to stay where I am or to buy a another house alone. I do want to move but don't want to move to move again. I worry about doing all this then in 1-2 years we decide to move in together then it's going through it all again. All I wanted to know is whether It would be unreasonable to have provisional plans about how living together may work..... I wasn't asking if it would be unreasonable to expect him to want to live with me right now as of course it is!!

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Maelstrop · 02/11/2018 21:25

I just asked DH if he has plans for our future. His response was yes, I have 8 weeks of army rations and a shotgun in the basement with your name on it, together we will survive.

Pmsl, @RedneckStumpy! True love!

My dh and I are forever sending each other dream houses for when we retire. They’re invariably in the countryside, very remote with about 20 acres so I can buy more horses. :)

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CottonTailRabbit · 02/11/2018 21:26

Yes you are being unreasonable.

He has told you he doesn't know yet if you and he will progress to that stage. His plan is to continue seeing you and see how it pans out. That's what he thinks about the future.

What if he said to you now that he could imagine you moving in together in a year's time and you go and make major financial decisions on that basis. Then what happens if the relationship didn't turn out that way? He'd have unintentionally screwed you over.

Provisional plans are not sensible in this situation. You say yourself that you will use the provisional plan to inform your decisions now.

So, he's right, make the decision that's best for you irrespective of him. If you both want more later, make those actual plans later.

Listen to what he said. His plan is to see how the relationship evolves. You not liking that plan for the next year doesn't make it any less real or any less valid.

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BoneyBackJefferson · 02/11/2018 22:00

chocolateandcocktails001

What I'm asking is if I'm unreasonable to expect my bf to have some plans or views on what the future may look like and how that may happen....I'm talking a minimum of 12 months away.

What are your plans?
What do you want?

It just a little hypocritical not to have your own plans for the relationship and moan that he has none either

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DonkeyPlease · 02/11/2018 22:17

So you want him to make plans for the future, while he's obviously unsure of the future because you're only 18 months in.

Sorry. You're still being unreasonable. I understand you'd like him to reassure you that he can see you two buying a house together but have you considered how devastated you'd be if in a years time your back here saying he's left you after "making plans" with you? Surely you'd prefer he doesn't make plans if he isn't sure yet??

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chestylarue52 · 02/11/2018 23:03

You’re being hugely unreasonable. You want him to make plans for a years time?

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Sagelistener · 02/11/2018 23:55

What CottonTailRabbit said ...

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MrsStrowman · 03/11/2018 00:08

You've been together eighteen months both have children and want him to decide if you will live together in a year? What if things don't work out is it his fault you didn't buy a different house, or that you stayed where you are and could've relocated? It's too much too soon, especially when children are involved, and it doesn't matter how many exclamation marks you use, that won't change. You just seem a bit intense. You do what you would do if you weren't together, if you move in together in a few years so be it, it's too much pressure to put on a new relationship.

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