Pregnant with 3rd Child - DH resentful

[KellyW88]

This is a bit of a long one - I do need some guidance if possible from this amazing community. Originally posted in “pregnancy” but wasn’t sure if it was the right place....

So my DH and I currently have 12 month old twins and found out recently I have caught again (contraception failure).

When I first told him he immediately said he wanted an abortion and in my panic (how could I possibly manage a 3rd with little income, a tiny flat and two little handfuls?!) I agreed. Then I looked into the options and immediately started to cry - I couldn’t do it, I realised that yes a third child is going to be difficult but there are ways to manage and I just couldn’t abort my own flesh and blood. I explained this to DH and he knows that in a previous relationship I was forced into an abortion and it still haunts me - even though it was probably the right thing to do at the time.

Fast forward a few weeks and DH hadn’t said a thing about the pregnancy since stating “I understand” when I told him I couldn’t abort. I tried to get him to speak about it but he just couldn’t bring himself to admit that he felt like I was trapping him.

We had our first scan yesterday, he initially didn’t want to go but I managed to convince him (somehow!) - as soon as he saw the little bean on the scan monitor he froze and then the tears started, a small part of him accepted that it was as much his flesh and blood as it is mine and that this little life is our responsibility regardless of our circumstances.

When we got home and relieved my Mum of babysitting duty (the twins have colds so we didn’t want to take them with us as we didn’t want it to be transmitted to any other pregnant ladies at the hospital) he finally admitted that he has been resenting me since I made the decision to keep our third child - he explained his reasons, first our financial situation, then our living situation, then the fact that he sometimes feels he can barely cope with the ever growing needs of our beautiful twins, then the big one... fear that, like our twins, this baby would be born extremely prematurely and we would have to spend months in NICU again - he admitted this was his greatest fear as NICU with the twins almost broke him...

He went on to say that he now feels some excitement about our third little one but there is a little resentment still there (he admitted after I asked candidly) and now I see that I did back him into a corner somewhat with my decision and I regret how that made/makes him feel - but I stand by my decision 100%

We are currently looking for a new home (have been since before the twins were born) and I know that money will be very tight and yes the thought of going through NICU again had crossed my mind - frequently - and it terrifies me too... I then explained that I think he is suffering from a form of PTSD regarding NICU as he has never looked back at photos of the twins during their time there and won’t speak of it, I’ve tried to gently get him to start trying to accept that it happened and face the emotions that go along with it as it will help him in the long run... he just doesn’t know how.

As you hopefully can tell from the post he is a deeply caring man and loves our twins with his whole being, I’m also very lucky that he’s a communicator (even if it does take a while for him to get round to it) has anybody been through anything similar? (I’m sure we’re not the only ones) how did you get through it? Did you go ahead (if you don’t mind sharing)?

Sorry for the long post but I don’t want to ask advice from my family or his as I don’t want them jumping to the “fire and pitchforks” stage as I know my Mum is ecstatic about third grand baby, his Mum isn’t as sure for her own reasons but is being fully supportive and his Dad has made it clear that he does not agree with abortions in circumstances such as ours... so he already feels that they’re on “my side” enough

I think if he was that bothered he would have made doubly sure on the contraception front. I.e pill and condoms etc. Sounds like he has accepted it now and has got some reservations rather than resentment I would say. It's kind of normal for twins to be premature and have issues,the chances of this happening this time with just 1 baby is quite slim so maybe that would put his mind at ease. I'd say just go with the flow, as things progress I would say the reservations will fade and just be a good team when it comes to the other issues like preparing for the future financial issues etc really well. Good luck and congratulations x

Look at the bigger picture - it's not just you who will be affected but your DH, your DTs and your extended family.

There is an instant bond with females whilst men are more pragmatic.

Only you and Dh can decide - but try to take out the cuteness of a newborn. Your DTs are only a year old so you haven't experienced toddlerdom. It gets worse before it gets better.

You haven’t “caught” or got yourself pregnant, your DH had as much to do with it as you did. You haven’t trapped him at all, you get to decide what stays in or is removed from your body - as your DH decided to remove sperm from his body into yours, knowing there was a risk (no matter how minute) of pregnancy which he would have no real say over without being an emotional abuser.

Your living situation sucks, but start making concrete plans so at least you both know what your home will look like before baby arrives. It’ll help you and your partner mentally to know where you stand. Is it a 1 bed? If so, start shopping round for a sofa bed for you and DH to share with baby in a bassinet/Moses for now - you might even be able to get one that folds down, unless you have a hand-me-down seeing as money’s tight.

The likelihood of a prem birth depends on why your twins were born prem - some reasons do have a higher risk of happening again, but some don’t, and twin pregnancies have a slightly higher risk of complications. Could your DH not attend a MW appt with you and listen as you and MW talk it over, whether you are seen as having a higher risk, why/why not and what could mitigate the risk?

I understand why your DH feels this way. I think he feels out of control - finances out of control, housing out of control, pregnancy out of control (unplanned and at least in his eyes risky). It’s horrible when it feels like things are spiralling. So get him to help you figure out what can be controlled and how to control it.

Ah, I feel for you both - the NICU must have been horrific and very frightening. Thing is a singleton pregnancy is much much less likely to be anything but utterly normal and full term.

It's good that now you're on the same page regarding keeping the baby - perhaps have a look at the positive birth movement on YouTube and Facebook with your DH to see if you could start getting over that fear of it happening again, and ways to reframe how you're thinking about this pregnancy?

Good luck in finding a new place too.

It was contraception failure. I presume you didn’t deliberately set out to miss the pill or sabotage a condom. These things happen. It’s good that your DH can talk to you about his feelings and tbh I think this is something the two of you should have discussed together. It’s not really something strangers will understand on a board.

Having kids is scary. I really think the two of you would benefit from some trauma counselling to help you work through what sounds like a bad experience with the twins.

Then you can work together to prepare a plan for the new arrival.

There is an instant bond with females whilst men are more pragmatic.

I think that's a massive generalisation.

DH are in the reverse of your situation, I'm pregnant again but unhappy about it where as DH is quite happy and doesn't agree with my feelings of resentment. When I said I wanted to abort he was very unhappy and felt he couldn't support me. I did choose not to, but I'm no happier with being pregnant, just resigned to the fact now. DH can't change how I feel, and you can't change how your DH feels. I likely feel resentment and anger and all sorts of other emotions for a long time, towards myself, DH and the baby but I know those feelings will go away at some point. It'll just take time.

You need to give yourself and DH some time. You feel differently about a situation you are both going in to. Different isn't wrong but it'll take time to move on.

I do understand why he feels this way, it's not your fault but a joint contraceptive failure has meant a decision he has no say in (rightly so, but this must be difficult), best thing for him to do to feel more in control is to go and have the snip so it never happens again. It sounds like after the scan he realises why you couldn't do it and does understand your decision, doesn't stop being in the situation you are in scary though, especially as with three very small children the pressure will be in him to provide for you all, he also sounds terrified of a repeat NICU experience. It's good you are talking, and maybe some counselling would help you both

I think you've so far dealt with it pretty rationally, and he sounds exactly like most men would in his situation. If I had two children already, was the breadwinner, was barely getting by, and then my DP accidently got pregnant and insisted on keeping it, I'd be pretty resentful too. It's good that he's come round to a degree.

Keep talking about it, keep being honest with each other, respect each others points of view, and remember that your DP was okay with blanking the NICU because he thought he would never have to deal with anything like it ever again. He was never going to be put back into that situation, so there was no reason to work through it. However now he may well have to, and not by his own choice. Keep being supportive of each other, and make use of your family and friends if either of you need pressure valves or breaks.

@Cherries101

Thank you for your words and DH and I have discussed it together as much as he will allow but a lot of the time - when conversation enters rocky territory emotionally, he will decide when he’s had enough of the subject and then it leaves us not getting past the starting point of the issue.

What I am hoping for is constructive advice wherever possible and differing perspectives.

As for strangers on a board not being able to understand I feel that is probably true for me and most people who post here, no stranger can fully understand anybody else’s circumstances fully - but it doesn’t mean their words aren’t helpful

KellyW88 is there something you need to discuss about the pregnancy right now? Or could you just essentially ignore it for a bit? That really helped us.

Apologies in advance if this is going to sound too harsh but I honestly understand how your DH feels. While we all can say anything we want to say about contraception and the fact that he should have made sure of whatever, it's equally a woman's responsibility to do the same. Women always get more sympathy in these matters but men also have feelings and the responsibility for their families. I am not advocating abortion and nobody can really tell you what to do or how to handle this situation but the truth is children do affect relationships and quality of life. Unless both parents really want to have a baby, I totally understand why the party, who didn't, would feel trapped and resentful. Particularly when there are twins, who are still in nappies and the next one would be so close in age!

"Caught"? This isn't your "fault" - you and DH had sex, this is the possible outcome of it. If your DH was 100% against another child, the only way to guarantee that would be to abstain (not practical, and I see you mentioned it was a contraception failure, but I'm i'm livid that your DH or upbringing has led you to a point where you somehow think getting pregnant is all on you.) Similar comments about the resentment - it's just as much his fault or blessing as yours.

I'm sad that you need to beat yourself up like this OP . I'm sure others will come along with more pragmatic tips in terms of how to manage this over the coming weeks and months,but i wanted to stick my oar straight in here with the point about being shocked at how much "blame" comes across in your post.

Sethis - Thank you for your response and I hadn’t considered that he had blanked our previous experience with NICU because he didn’t think we’d have to face that potential reality again - especially so soon.

A bit more information for those who have asked:

The reason for my twins prematurity (and low birth weight, both were under 1KG) was restricted blood flow through the placentas but no official cause for that was found. My blood pressure always measured fine and the scans didn’t indicate growth issues. By the time we had scheduled the scan that would have determined the problem I had already gone into early labour.

NICU was traumatic for both of us in very different ways, on the day my twins were born they were transferred to a hospital miles away and as I was still in recovery from a C-Section I was kept behind for days not being able to see them - DH waited to go for reasons he never told me but I suspect he felt we should go together.

Once I managed to convince the hospital to discharge me and let me go to my babies I spent 5 days a week at the hospital they were in and 2 days at home. DH wasn’t able to get the time off work so was only able to see them at weekends.

We both experienced the trauma of the NICU so differently I think that’s why he struggles to discuss it with me. I was there for every drop in heart rate, every time they stopped breathing, every “they might not make it” moment and he was stuck at home or in the office just waiting constantly for news... he admits he couldn’t have done what I did and I admit I couldn’t have done what he did... but sadly we never got past that part of the conversation.

When the twins got home we became insular, we didn’t reach out for help much with them because we wanted to be in our bubble with them and I think that’s put an additional strain on him because he feels it will be the same again and he doesn’t know who to ask for help.

So for now I’m arranging - with his input and okay - for my mum or his to take the twins once a week for either the day or to stay over at night, so he and I can focus on healing together whatever way we can. Also to show him that we do have a fantastic support network around us that are there for both of us - not just me...

Eilaianne but maybe the OP AND her DP are feeling blame or guilt? I know I am, and I know DH is.

Also for clarity - I was back on the pill and he did wear a condom, this is why we were both so shocked at the outcome.

@Neshoma - whilst I appreciate your candour I have considered, very seriously, how much a third child, especially now - will impact the whole family but despite weighing it up in my mind I still could not bring myself to do as he, initially, had asked.

It was a huge relief when he opened up a real conversation about it with me last night and @overagain you are absolutely right, we both feel guilt regarding our situation. Neither of us wanted to have a third child - we are happy with our DD and DS and thought that would be that, but I had to wait for the option to have my ovaries/Fallopian tubes clipped after the c-section. That was my decision as I have had a history of endometriosis (not severe enough that it caused issues in this pregnancy or the twins pregnancy... so the professionals reassured me) so felt it was the right choice and then BAM - pregnant again.

It was only after contemplating getting an abortion that I realised that, despite not having wanted another baby before the pregnancy, I couldn’t bring myself to part with the little bean.

DH didn’t attend the first Midwife appointment but that was due to work commitments and I know how hard he does work to provide as best he can for us.

I think also - this may seem odd - he is an only child who had a very nice upbringing with parents who didn’t worry too much about income (until they divorced when DH was a bit older) and I was raised with a brother and sister very close to me in age, by my grandparents (because my mum was still a child herself in many ways) on a very low income - but they made it work and so I had a very happy upbringing too, I think maybe that’s why I have the “we can make this work and still be happy” mentality...

NICU was traumatic for both of us in very different ways, on the day my twins were born they were transferred to a hospital miles away and as I was still in recovery from a C-Section I was kept behind for days not being able to see them - DH waited to go for reasons he never told me but I suspect he felt we should go together

I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been for you. You must have desperately wanted them to have a parent by their side.

I think ultimately you say can't have an abortion and so that's that. As much as this is a huge shock and unplanned I do think you get the final say on this. It's your body. No one should pressure you into an abortion so your dp is honestly just going to get his head around it. He can have counselling if needs be but he needs to get on board fast and support you. It's tough for him but the chances are you will have a healthy pregancy.

Do you think he is worried you got pregnant on purpose given you were using 2 forms of contraception? Does he secretly think you've tried to 'trap' him? You need to ask him because he sounds as if that's what he thinks tbh.

He needs to get a vasectomy, it’s much more secure than condoms and saves you shoving hormones in every day.

It is possible to feel trapped by circumstance rather than by the actions of a particular person gender. And to wish things were different from how they are. And it's reasonable to take some time to work through those feelings.

Maelstrop maybe the OP like taking the pill? I do. I'd take it even if DH had a vasectomy. My skin is better, my IBS is much, much improved, I don't have periods, my mood is more stable, my depression improved. It's a wonder drug for me, all that aside from the contraceptive benefits.

@BarbarianMum well said. A difficult situation all round, for all parties.

It's going to take time and you both will have regrets at points, even much planned for babies. I have three and didn't realise impact a third would have. Give him time to come to the realisation of the new future and not the one you both planned.

for you (and your Dh too). NICU is a wonderful but terrible place at the same time and my dh struggled when preemie Dd1 was in there (IUGR and placental abtuption).She's now 8 and although he is a good communicator and it was obvious at the time, it took until she was 6 before he truly opened up how hard it was for him. In between we lost twins in second trimester which almost killed me (literally physically as well as mentally) and had recently had dd2 who was born on her due date and didn't need any medical intervention. It was only after dd2 was safe and well dh really faced up to Dd1s birth and time in NICU so I do understand what you are going through. He did however get progressively better as the pregnancy went on so I hope this is the case for you

@KellyWW8

It's a very important point you raise about your DH being an only child. I'm one of two siblings, my DP is one of six. We have wildly different ideas on what constitutes a "sensible" amount of children. She wanted 4+. I wanted 2, flat. We seem to have reached a compromise on aiming for three... I guess we'll find out as time goes on!

From my perspective, we're never going to earn enough money to support more than a couple of children in the manner that I want to support them (holidays, not buying literally everything we wear in charity shops, decent tech). From her perspective, the money available is less important than the love in the family. You can argue both sides of the coin, but honestly, if she wasn't willing to compromise on it (and neither was I) then that would have been a deal breaker in the relationship, and we would no longer be together. We're both early 30s and can't afford to waste time on a relationship where we can't agree on things like that.

You have a right to the number of children you want, and he has an equal right to the number of children that he wants. If one of you forces the other to violate that right, especially without prior discussion and without mutual consent, it can create a huge problem.

All of the above said, I'm really glad you're managing to talk with him, however much, and that he's engaging even a little bit with the idea. Do what you can to reassure him, and actively encourage him to talk to you about ANYTHING that's on his mind. Try to compromise and look for solutions that work for both of you, especially when it comes to time off, days away, and so on.