To think “I didn’t want to be rude” is absolutely not the appropriate response?

[SayItAgainPrecious]

In the summer, there was an incident of violence with a woman’s (30 years old) new boyfriend which resulted in the woman’s daughter (12 years old) getting hurt and police involved.

Subsequently the woman found out the man has form, is banned from seeing some of his children and has a temper when drunk.

SS followed up after the incident and told the woman that they’d drop it as long as she ended the relationship. Woman said she would and made a big show to her parents that she had.

It now transpires that the woman is actually back with the bloke. She was keeping this secret from her parents but has gradually revealed their relationship to her parents. The daughter (12 year old) has told her grandparents that the bloke is round their flat all the time and, because of that, she hates being at home and often feels nervous/scared.

They all bumped into each other in Tesco the other day. The violent man shook the womans dads hand hand (which he accepted) and the couple (30 year olds) invited the woman’s parents for a coffee in the cafe. They’d accepted because, and I quote, they didn’t want to be rude.

AIBU to think that if a man had been violently to our daughter in front of your granddaughter (in which she’d been hurt), which had resulted in her not wanting to be a time her home, not wanting to be rude is a fucking piss poor response??

Yes, this needs to be reported to SS immediately. Those conditions were set for that child’s safety. They do not do that for no reason. The parent has shown she won’t put child safety first so SS need to be involved again. You can report it yourself.

It might be short hand for I don’t want to isolate my daughter and grand daughter though.

How do you know the situation?

Maybe they were a bit frightened of him.

They’re not frightened of him

I think they might be concerned about not seeing their granddaughter as much if they fall out with the woman but the grandmother does everything for the granddaughter (because the 30 year old woman can’t be arsed) so I don’t think that’s likely as the mother (30 year old) wouldn’t have a clue how to parent the daughter.

I’m reporting it tomorrow as soon as SS opens

I know because I’m a family member

I’m just absolutely furious and heartbroken for the 12 year old girl

If the grandparents do everything for their granddaughter because her mum cant be bothered then it's absolutely the right thing to do. They need to keep their daughter on side so they can help their grandchild. And yes, you should report.

The poor DD 😢 maybe they feel torn and worried about isolating their daughter if they reject the boyfriend.

Yes please do contact SS. That is awful. And SS won't look on it kindly

You’ve every right to be SayIt.

My mum was violent to me when I was a child. My aunt (her sister) responded by cutting my mum out of her life, refusing to see her or speak to her. She took no other action. This made my life much harder, as my mum was more stressed, more isolated, I wasn’t able to see my aunts and my mum blamed me for my aunts cutting her out..

So I can see how the GPs might have made a split second decision not to escalate the situation. But it’s a viable split second decision not a viable long term strategy. If you think the GPS are open to coming up with a better long term strategy, involve them in your contact with SS. If they are just going to be passive bystanders then don’t.

Ss needs to be informed obviously but have you considered that they are trying to make sure he doesn't cut her and their granddaughter off from them, they can't be there if he manipulates that they have no access to them.

They may feel that showing him how they feel to him directly could be potentially dangerous for her and their granddaughter.

Sounds like the child would be better off with her gps away from this man and her mother who isn’t able to keep her safe. Would the gps take her on full time? Would the mum agree to this? If she’s not looking after her much anyway and is prioritising her relationship she might. Or ss could make the decision for her.

Sorry for the silence, terrible night with my son up and down!

The thing is I don’t think it was the grandparents making a decision thinking about isolation et cetera. They genuinely just didn’t want to be rude! I know them well, I know this was their thinking.

I just can’t imagine not wanting to be rude to somebody who had her two of the people I love most in the world. Bloody hell, I’ve screamed at people in the park when their dogs have had a go at my dog before, I can’t imagine what I’d be like if someone had hurt my son.

No I don’t think the grandparents would take the girl on full-time. I don’t know. Maybe they would if push came to show of but I think they be reluctant because they are in their mid 60s now and I looking forward to a quiet life.

The father of the 12-year-old girl is on the scene. There is a whole history there but basically he’s a nice bloke if a bit thick and unambitious. The 30-year-old woman and the father of the 12-year-old had a really long protracted battle a few years ago over custody which 30-year-old woman won. She didn’t actually want to look after her daughter full time (she does very very little to actually look after the girl) but she was determined to “win”.

The whole situation is completely fucked

What's intelligence and ambition got to do with being a parent.

Honestly, I think you are judging these parents and it's wrong. My exh was abusive to me, when it first all came out (when we split) my parents were still polite to him because they were concerned about causing trouble for me and the kids.

They had no fucking clue what to do.

All you need to worry about is reporting it to SS.

No, sorry, I didn’t express what I meant very well at all.

The grandparents are very judgemental of the 12-year-olds father because he is a bit thick and has very little ambition (For example he calls his daughter a geek when she reads for fun) so in that sense yes I think being unambitious does have a lot to do with parenting.

However what I meant was that is the grandparents and a 30-year-old woman who are judgemental of the father. I don’t know him. At least the granddaughter doesn’t have to witness violence when she’s with her dad

The grandparents did the best they could short term, being "rude" or confrontational would have been a bad move. Save your anger for the abuser. This does need reporting though and the grandparents should support reporting it.

That would be devastating for the 12 year old. Thank god she has you to know right from wrong. Some situations in life really are black and white and this is one of them.

Don't judge the GP's too harshly but judge her mum, I think you are doing the best thing, good luck and I hope it all turns out well for the girl. Well Done for not ignoring it

In the GPs shoes I would've gone for the coffee or at the least say oh we'd love to but we've got to be somewhere shortly (harder if you have half a trolley of shopping), I would've been worried if I'd refused he'd take it out on her when they got home. You are absolutely right to report to SS Monday

I appreciate what you're all saying about the GPs being concerned about him taking out on their daughter or him isolating them but the relationship isn't at that stage yet

He's not a controlling abuser yet - I think it's much more they both scream/shout/violent with each other.

Don't worry, I'm absolutely judging the mother here! I've called SS and they're getting back to me.

While I can potentially understand your points about not riling him (I can't but there we go), I think there's a middle ground between saying "no fuck off, you hurt our DD/GD you abusive prick" and "Oh yes, let's go for a coffee". Something like "No, thank you" with an appropriate level of frostiness.

OP you honestly don’t know what stage the relationship is at unless you are within that relationship. I was in an abusive relationship and no one knew the full extent.
It was “he sometimes shouts and her and makes her cry etc” reality was I couldn’t go toilet alone (in an empty house) without being accused of cheating. He was vile, had been violent many many times. Even stabbing me and breaking my collar bone (separate occasions).

I never disclosed to my mum how bad it was. She passed away without knowing 5 years ago.

However; the daughter does need protecting from violence and you are right to speak with social services. The cycle needs to be broken abuse imo Feeds abuse. If you grow up thinking it’s normal you accept that in your relationship and the cycle repeats.

OP I take it you're the sister or similar? Could you maybe offer the 12yo a room in your home?

Well done for calling SS, someone needs to look out for the poor girl. I grew up in a house where I was abused and my mum let him carry on living there. It's extremely lonely I wish I had someone to look out for me

I completely take your point, miracle. However, the 30 year old isn’t the kind to keep things secret if there’s a drama/some sympathy to be had. But, I absolutely agree I don’t know the full story as I’m not in the relationship.

Sorry you had such a shit experience with your ex

No, I couldn’t offer the 12 year old a place in my home unfortunately. I want to do something though (hence calling SS) to protect her as everyone else seems to give zero fucks. She’s always been really close to the GPs (lived with them for a bit with her mum) and the GPS have basically brought her up so I can imagine that them now being all friendly with the abusive bloke must feel like a betrayal

SS didn’t get back to me Friday as they said they would (appreciate they’re snowed under) so I’ll call them again on Monday