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AIBU?

Aibu or is my ex regarding DS

24 replies

JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 20:42

So my teen used to go to his dad's EOW Fri to Sun.
DS joined an activity on a Saturday morning close to me.
He arranged with his dad and checked OK to do it and his dad agreed. He agreed I drop DS to activity. Leave him there and his dad collect.
All went well..
Now local to there there is major roadworks.
These affect me and would his dad too. His dad travels 30 miles. ( he moved away from this town)
His dad has now said he won't collect from activities but will collect from mine later on as ' no way is I he sitting in traffic'
Meaning I have to drop off, come home feed baby. 30 min later go back and get him (allowing time for the roadworks) normally I'd get 1.15 hours at home.

His dad is saying he refuses to sit in traffic etc etc. However once the roadworks finished (6months away) he'll revert back to collect from activity.

Aibu to of told him that's unfair. He should leavee earlier allowing for traffic. The arrangement had been in place and was haopiy until the roadworks started. And I too have a life to work around. And that by all means do a later pick up from mine, but that is to continue permanently, and that it's not fair on me to do all the donkey work.. Sitting in traffic with a baby etc..
.
Fyi.hes the typical 'Disney dad' and doesn't do any day to day stuff, pays the minimum cms, no school stuff or anything.
. I feel I'm being made a mug of.

Now of course I will still take my son and hace to suck it up with the traffic because he's my boy and that's what parents do. But aibu in telling him he's out of order.

I wish ages ago I got a CAO as he always pisses about.

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CrispbuttyNo1 · 01/11/2018 21:09

Can’t your son make his own way there if he’s a teen?

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 21:13

No as it's across a 3 lane carriage way with no crossing. The main one into the city. We live tee opposite side to it unfortunately

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 21:15

My aibu was more the fact. His dad was happy to until the roadworks and isn't prepared to leave 30 or so min earlier. When it's his time with his son. Is happy for me to do all the running around (of course I will)
But then wants to go back to collecting from activity once the inconvenience of roadworks has finished.
Hardly fair imo.
The roadworks affect me too, just as much.

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Booboostwo · 01/11/2018 21:16

He’s completely out of order. His contact time is his to sort out, baring an emergency which is not what this is. If he can’t deal with the roadworks he can choose not to take DS to the activity and explain why he won’t be bothering. I don’t think you should step in and sort out his crap parenting.

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Birdsgottafly · 01/11/2018 21:19

So there's absolutely no way of getting across the roadway? Are you the house there?

Either way, these arguements are going to come to an end soon, because of the age of your Son.

Perhaps just deal with this. He should pick him up, but if he won't, it isn't worth stressing over.

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 21:20

Yeah I always drop off. His time was to collect from there. If DS doesn't go on those alternate Saturdays it would mean having to either drop out completely or I'm paying for missed days every other week as it still has to be paid if don't attend.
It's the only one he could join and the only activity he's interested in and its taken 1.5 yrs waiting list. So I'll still have to take him.

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Littlebluebird123 · 01/11/2018 21:21

Offer to go back to EOW and Dad has to do the taking him there on Saturday morning and the return as it's his weekend.

Then offer to stick to you dropping EOW on a Saturday am and he makes suitable arrangements for collection.

YANBU.

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CottonTailRabbit · 01/11/2018 21:23

Oh so his time is more important than your time is it? You can sit in traffic but he can't? Fuck that. DS goes to his on Fri night as usual and ex can do all the bloody driving. Not your problem.

You shouldn't have changed in the first place. You made his problem your problem. Reverse that now.

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 21:23

Hard to explain. Our house to carriage way is 2 miles. The activity is the other side. The only one bridge is a further 1 mile towards the city.
It's a long way and I wouldn't feel safe him scooting ( bike for Xmas as his broke) he's 13 so not an older teen.
Even so in the winter it would be horrendous.
The roadworks are on the carriage way and 2/3 roundabouts.

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 21:25

It is still eow he goes. But just sat to sun rather than Fri to sun
On 'my' weeks dp finishes work early enough to collect most of the time.
Even so in my time that's my prob but I have to make up for his laziness. S

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 21:28

He said DS will have to stop the activity if it goes back to Fri to Sun as he won't collect on a Fri, to drive back on the Sat for activities, go back home. Then back here on the sun.
He chose to move away and even got £1.15 a week lowered off my cms. For travel lol

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 21:34

So it's used to be
Week 1 with us
Weeks 2 Fri - Sun with his dad

Activity started all well and good. So changed foyt DS sake to
Week 1. DS with us. I drop, dp collects on way home from work of finished early enough
Week 2 I drop off on the sat to activity, his dad collected.

Since roadworks he's now refusing to collect from activity. But expects me to. And says collect later from. My house meaning I have to sit back in roadworks with the baby,

I don't want DS to stop the activity for reasons explained above. So I'll have to suck it up I guess. But he can think again if he thinks he gets to do the fun stuff again once roadworks finished

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CottonTailRabbit · 01/11/2018 21:35

DS is old enough to decide if he wants contact or not. What does he want? Your DH is making DS choose between the club and him. Cock.

If you decide to do the driving I'd take back the whole Saturday none of this half day malarky. And get CMS adjusted accordingly.

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 21:42

He feels he should see his dad. However he seems to be not 100% whether to go sometimes. And often moans when back.. He knows its his choice and I will always listen to what he wants.
Yeah I did get it's adjusted when his dad was pathetic over the travel costs of £1.15 Week..
Even before it was done via cms he paid so little. I asked for £20 extra a month as was starting secondary. His dad decided to say ' no way, go to cms' I did and it went up by £150! Now even more as there's no shared care element as only stays 26 nights a yr.

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CottonTailRabbit · 01/11/2018 21:53

Then definitely make it every other Sunday. And go back to CMS. After all, you've got extra fuel costs now as well as two more over nights.

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Littlebluebird123 · 01/11/2018 22:02

He's a right CF isn't he?
I'm sorry he's being so selfish. I can understand why it's annoying for him but to be honest that's part of being a parent especially if they're involved in clubs etc.

Like pp said. Just let him have him on a Sunday then if he cba to make some effort to see his son. His loss.

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GemmeFatale · 01/11/2018 22:16

“Son is available to collect at activity. If you don’t wish to spend the weekend with him because the traffic is too much for you I’ll let him know”.

Then just like you would if he stood you up if he doesn’t pick his child up you get on with your weekend. If he turns up at your house later “sorry, son was upset you couldn’t be bothered to collect him from activity so he’s gone to the library to study/a friends house/town/out”

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JoyceTempleSavage · 01/11/2018 22:22

If you decide to do the driving I'd take back the whole Saturday none of this half day malarky. And get CMS adjusted accordingly

Me too particularly given DS is not particularly bothered about the time with dad. Very short sighted of your ex

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Cachailleacha · 01/11/2018 22:25

Is there anything you can do near the activity so you only have to do one trip? Or can you share lifts with another parent. Obviously his father should do it, but you can't force him.

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 22:37

No I don't know any other parents as I've just dropped and left iyswim..
No nothing nearby only an industrial estate. Its infuriating as I have to go thro the same roadworks.
I could wait there but it's outside and cold. And its right when baby needs feeding with no facilities except a toilet and a vending machine in a corridor.

Obviously ill do it and suck it up. Just means drop there, whizz home hopefully not take too long feed baby and back to collect..
Dp may possibly beable to finish on some of the opposite Saturdays a bit earlier. He currently finishes early eow and longer the opposite. But his boss is pretty good so if not busy hell be able to finish. But that will Depend week to week.

I hate that it makes my DS feel his dad thinks he's an inconvenience and I hope his dad sees sense in time and bucks his ideas up before he pushes DS away.
. Especially when there's loads of dad's who'd live to see their kids.

He has previously had form for being like this and he's always ground me down. And makes me feel like I'm BU but looking back I know I haven't been.

NO MORE :)

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StrongerThanIThought76 · 01/11/2018 22:43

Sorry OP but a CAO can't force a reluctant parent to see their child, or pick them up from anywhere.

Good luck finding a workable compromise.

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JustAskingForAFriend · 01/11/2018 22:58

My dps CAO does. Not for a reluctant parent or anything. But his ex messed about and he took her to court. And he collects his dd from a set place on a Fri to Sun. And a diff place on a weekday evening.

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HidingFromMyKids · 01/11/2018 23:43

It's already unfair your poor DS has lost the Fri night because he dared to want to do an activity.
I suspect he's not that bothered because his father sounds like an absolute arse. I'd say what a pp put about being available at the activity so it's up to you.

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StrongerThanIThought76 · 02/11/2018 07:21

Your DP wants to see his dd - his CAO forces his ex to make the dd available. YOUR ex has all the availability you can offer him but doesn't want to take it - a cao in this case cannot force him to have your ds unfortunately. Sorry.

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