Parents comparing GC

[User97532468]

So a bit of history, growing up there was just me and my brother, he’s 4 years older than me. Parents, Grandparents, Teachers all made comparisons between us. I’d be told how I’m not as academic/sporty/naturally gifted like my brother. How he was able to glide through school and exams and always come out top without having to try. He was so much more sociable and able to entertain a room.

Now we’re both married with children and my parents are starting to compare grandchildren. Asking where they’re up to in maths/English or what clubs they go to. They go to different schools with some going to a 30 child intake and some going to a 12 child intake school. But they compare how many certificates they get. Sometimes it’s just to me and sometimes in front of the children. It’s really bloody annoying. I rely on my parents a lot for childcare and my DM is very sensitive so won’t take kindly to me saying anything but it’s really getting to me when they said this week that my brothers child is the one excelling in all areas.

Sure I’m not being unreasonable wanting them all to be treasured for their individual strengths rather than achievements such as this? For the record they’re aged 4-8 so still so so young!

Actually I think your mother is quite insensitive. She may be sensitive about her own feelings but is quite oblivious to yours.

If you don't feel able to express all this to your parents, a mutual friend or relative who is neutral could point out to your parents how totally unfair they are being and the effect is has on you. It's also unfair to your brother's children who must constantly feel they have to live up to certain expectations.

All you can do is make sure your children are valued by you regardless of educational achievements.

My mother doesn’t do this, but my mil does. She compares every single milestone of her grandchildren, from first word (at what month), to what levels reached in key stages to grades for music exams. So without telling her what I was doing, I just stopped giving her the info. If she asks about what reports say, I just say “we were really proud” and don’t expand.
I think it’s because she wrote my dh off in some ways- got him to be massively competitive with his dsis, and because she doesn’t really understand what his degree was or job is, she writes it off as something you can’t boast about. Which I find rather sad.
Your dc won’t know school marks for quite a while and tend to have really unhelpful descriptions for the tables they’re on “squirrels; Saturn; beech “ whatever so she can’t benchmark

You’re right, she is sensitive to her feelings but not to others. I try to limit what information I give her as I know how it has affected me being constantly compared.

Make plans to rely on them less for childcare. She won't stop, some people have comparitis and it's damaging for all involved.

You can try saying 'we're really proud' and not giving details, but don't hold your breath, she'll find something to compare.

I say that as the elder, 'sporty', 'academic' child. Poor DB's achievements were met with 'yeah, she did that already' so many times I'm pretty sure he just gave up.

It’s funny; ime some of the most “sensitive” people where their own feelings are concerned are the most insensitive to others!

Yanbu to find this totally inappropriate. What a stupid way for them to behave.

You need to say while laughing “did you mean to be so mean about your grandchildren ?”

I don’t like the tinkly laugh sorry

I was just about to say “you don’t mean a tinkly little laugh do you?” .

YANBU

You could just say "I'm not going to tell you because I don't like you comparing the children" though I know it's not that easy. I'm another that just doesn't give updates anymore.

For the sake of your children and potentially 20+ years of this nonsense you - or your DH - are going to need to say something blunt and then deal with the fallout. And repeat - because it won't stop immediately.

That or change childcare and limit all information.

All this is easier said than done though.

My inlaws did similar with golden son’s children being absolutely perfect and excelling at everything (unsurprisingly it was because their father was the same)....until my children far surpassed them at everything and my husband was far more successful that their beloved first born.

We smiled, said nothing and just knew our children were very special from birth. Grannies view was just that, her view. It actually meant nothing except she’d miss out on the relationship she could have had with her grandchildren.
Now she twitters on to all her old lady bridge party friends about our children and talks about “poor Sam or poor Daniel”. We just continue smiling and saying nothing.

I am going to have to say something at some point. When she asks about reading levels I tell her all schools do it differently and that I don’t know what level mine are at but they’re doing well. She asks again a few weeks later because one of the other GC is excelling at reading and has surpassed his older sister in levels. I’ll continue trying to be vague until I need to really be blunt to spare my children’s feelings.

Just say they're at reading level "red" and she'll have no idea what you're on about.

Tell her your children had a farting comp and the 4 year old excelled and you are so proud you went out and had a trophy and medals made. Say you will retest after Christmas day as that should give some excellent results after the sprouts...

Happened in our family. Grandmother compared all the GC - so at ours my cousins were the bees knees and far superior and at my cousins I probably was. Needless to say it didn’t end well and grandmother didn’t get the close knit family she very much desired.

In hindsight it should have been funny because we all excelled in different ways, but she never saw it like that. As a family we are NC with them for various reasons, but this comstant comparison, when you dig down through the shite, was the root cause.

As much as it could be a difficult conversation, it maybe better to gently raise it now rather than have years and years of this crap...