AIBU?
To no longer trust her to supervise contact?
MessyBedMessyHead · 01/11/2018 16:36
Posted in separation but got no replies so posting for traffic as could really do with some advice:
I’ll try to keep this brief but obviously there’s a massive back story...
I stopped XH contact with our kids earlier this year following years of flaky contact and questionable parenting (so much so, SS were questioning why I was allowing it to continue), unless and until he sought a court order.
At the first hearing, I agreed to supervised contact with his sister until CAFCASS had completed their reports although he was not happy with this. Afaiwc, it was working well and exSIL told me that despite the fact XH was pressuring her to go to court to say she would no longer supervise, she was going to tell him no as she was happy to continue as we were, even offering to have the kids on the date of the hearing. She later cancelled saying she didn’t want any arguments with her brother. I think he believed that if there was nobody to supervise, then court would order unsupervised contact but obviously that’s not how it works.
At court, I agreed to allow her in the room. I don’t know why I was surprised, but she totally changed her tune, making out that I was difficult over times and dates and she was no longer willing to do it. Court would not order unsupervised until CAFCASS had done a s7 report.
At this point they were both being aggressive with me, directing their questions at me, asking ridiculous questions of the judge and making counter safeguarding concerns about me (something I’m sensitive to since my parenting has been picked apart over and over as one of my dc has MH issues - hence SS involvement). The judge let them do this again and again until I asked him to intervene.
I don’t know what to do now. It was made clear in court that contact was by agreement but I no longer trust his sister since it is clear she cannot stand up to her brother and will lie to aid him getting what he wants. She’s revealed that her priority is not the kids’ welfare but rather avoiding her brother’s temper. She also damaged my trust and what I believed was a friendship due to the unjustified nasty things she was saying.
The s7 report will take 13 weeks. I was happy that contact was being paced slowly to allow the kids to adjust but we will go back to square one if it stops just like that. ExSIL changed her tune and said she would supervise once she realised it was that or nothing but I don’t know if I should allow that given the above.
What would you do in these circumstances? I genuinely want contact to be established, I just want that contact to be safe and consistent for my kids.
Hospitaldramafamily · 01/11/2018 16:43
I wouldn't agree to her supervising anymore. It's good that you want to facilitate contact but it's also important it's done correctly. She's not a safe pair of hands and you can't trust her anymore.
MessyBedMessyHead · 01/11/2018 20:27
Do you think I should send her a message to explain why I was upset in court? She was trying to talk to me afterwards but I was so angry, I just ignored her. I don’t know what she was expecting given what they were saying about me!
GreenTulips · 01/11/2018 20:30
You don't owe her and explanation
You don't own her contact
She's not on your side or your children's
Iminagony · 01/11/2018 20:32
I wouldn't be leaving my children supervised with someone I no longer trusted unless it was court ordered.
I wouldn't contact her either. If she contacts you I'd respond but I wouldn't initiate contact.
Jamiefraserskilt · 01/11/2018 20:38
If she is no longer an option it will have to be a contact centre.
They both had a choice and chose to lie in court.
No more trusting and goodwill.
Hospitaldramafamily · 02/11/2018 06:41
I don't think anything good would come of messaging her. She knows why you're angry and upset. I know you thought of her as a friend but withdrawing now is cleanest while you wait for the report. You didn't cause this situation- they did. So don't try to fix it; it won't work because of them, not you.
RedHelenB · 02/11/2018 06:47
No mention of the kids in this at all. Unless he has abused them court will give him unsupervised contact at some point. The bar is set quite low. The children are used to this arrangement so other than the fact your sil loyalties are to get brother (and probably always were) what has changed?
Hospitaldramafamily · 02/11/2018 07:12
It's important- for the kids sake - that contact is done properly and with someone trustworthy. The OP said she was happy contact was going slowly to allow the kids time to adjust but - again for the kids sake - a report is being done before unsupervised contact is allowed. One of the kids has mental health issues so the situation with supervision can't be up and down - it's either consistent with a trustworthy person who can be relied on to prioritise the kids (no longer the case) or contact wants.
The ex and his sister changed the situation. Not the OP.
MessyBedMessyHead · 02/11/2018 10:47
Thanks everyone for the replies. I’m really upset that the situation has taken this turn. I understand that it will move to unsupervised contact - it’s what I want too but I just want to know that the court is aware of all the issues and the arrangements are made so that contact is safe and meaningful for the kids.
There has been abuse and neglect involved so I wanted this to be thought out properly and the appropriate safeguarding measures and undertakings made before unsupervised is resumed. They both act like it’s me frustrating contact but I immediately agreed to supervised contact when I didn’t have to. It was court who would not grant unsupervised until the s7 reports were done but ExSIL withdrew her offer to supervise.
The problem started when the CAFCASS officer wrongly summarised a report saying there were no safeguarding concerns (what it actually said was that safeguarding concerns could not be verified as it was based on my word - I do actually have police reports and SS reports too). I was forced to list the safeguarding concerns to the judge and they acted like this was the first time they were hearing them, when in fact, every single one was mentioned in the very first CAFCASS report of which he’s had a copy. He is aggressive towards me at every hearing but they do nothing to stop him, only prevent me leaving until he has.
I’m very disappointed with the process so far. It has only just been moved from magistrates to a district judge and he didn’t seem to have all the paperwork or facts.
0ccamsRazor · 02/11/2018 10:59
I do actually have police reports and SS reports too print thrse off and pass them to cafcass, i would also email a copy to cafcass as emails can be used as legal documents due to the time stamp etc. Cafcass are court social workers and they will listen to ss.
Good luck, it is a really stressfull time for you, so look after yourself.
Santaisgettingbusy · 02/11/2018 11:04
Absolutely well done for picking at the Cafcass report.
After a 4 years court case our senior officer admitted he had based his ENTIRE report on 'facts' from exh.
Needless to say exh lost.
Remember op it isn't your parenting in question.
You will 'win' simply because you actually do have your dc's best interests at heart. Your ex in the other hand sounds an utter twat.
Starlight345 · 02/11/2018 11:07
I would dispute anything inaccurate in CAFCASS report particularly if you can prove it.
I had an interview over the phone the woman said my ex had a caution for assault but that was no issue . I queried why this was no issue as Ds was in my arms at the time. So it was documented. Don’t be afraid to question anything.
moredoll · 02/11/2018 11:11
don't think anything good would come of messaging her. She knows why you're angry and upset. I know you thought of her as a friend but withdrawing now is cleanest while you wait for the report. You didn't cause this situation- they did. So don't try to fix it; it won't work because of them, not you.
^this
I do actually have police reports and SS reports too print thrse off and pass them to cafcass, i would also email a copy to cafcass as emails can be used as legal documents due to the time stamp etc. Cafcass are court social workers and they will listen to ss.
^and this.
Good luck.
StressedToTheMaxx · 02/11/2018 11:13
I would defiantly wait until all the reports etc are back. And see what the court advices.
You exsil will back her brother even if you dc feel uncomfortable with a situation.
There is also the option of a contact centre?
I would be impartial people but also shows you want to let them establish a bond.
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