To ask how to be MORE demanding? (aka dealing with anxiety)

[Terribletweens]

I have generalised anxiety, as in I'm usually not anxious about 'what if X happens' but more just anxious and stressed because there's more going on than I feel I can deal with and each next thing, however easy or straightforward, feels like I'm being asked to climb a mountain and I want to run away and procrastinate rather than tackle it. I've had CBT before and it didn't seem to do much, I was being asked to rethink my thoughts about what might happen and the person doing it didn't understand that I just feel overwhelmed, I'm not dreading the actual next activity or what the outcome might be, just having to deal with it at all.

I think I've finally pinned it down to not being able to be demanding enough, weird as that sounds. I'm a huge people pleaser, you could ask me now to draw up a 300 page report on how to solve world hunger and even though I feel overwhelmed already I'd probably say yes! I find it excruciating to say no to people or turn things down and feel so much guilt, such as not being able to take a day to myself at the weekend as then I'm missing family time, throwing big meals for people on their birthday because I'd feel I was letting them down if I didn't etc.

I've tried to cut back on anything I don't really need to be doing but I need to be able to be more demanding, especially with family/DH/DD, I need to be able to insist on help but in a way I can handle, confrontation wears me out even more. They all tell me I do too much but then if I leave to to them and wait for someone to step in and help no-one does, they nod and sympathise that I'm struggling but don't do anything!

DH has depression which I understand and I try so much to help take the weight off him but I'm suffering too so I'm fed up bending over backwards so he doesn't have to. He only has to say he's tired or has a headache and I'm running round like mad even though I'm feeling shit too.

DD is in full on teen mode, if she's feeling helpful she has to be directed to within an inch of her life on what to do otherwise she can't see a dirty plate in front of her face and if she doesn't want to help out she can throw a strop for England and I end up doing the work because it's easier.

Sorry this is so long but any tips on how to put your foot down and demand someone else does this job, or say no to things, or ask for what you need without needing to be made of steel?

Any tips?

I know that feeling well - I would always over commit because I didn’t want to let anyone down or cause upset (or look like I wasn’t coping). Things that have helped me include agreeing with DH the household tasks that belong to him and agreeing what that includes (eg bathing the children includes tidying the bathroom afterwards) so that we’re both clear about expectations.

With your DD I would give her a set of tasks, eg keeping her room clean, changing her bed and sorting her laundry and if she doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done.

I’ve also found just making sure I take time for myself helps - if that means the house isn’t immaculate then so be it. Don’t worry at this stage about saying “no” to others, try instead saying yes to yourself - putting yourself up the priority list a bit. Find a couple of things you really enjoy doing so that you make time for them and say yes to yourself more.

Hi, I am sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I have a chronic condition which makes keeping up with life tough and anxiety inducing at times, my DP suffers from anxiety also. I'm hoping our coping techniques will be able to help you.

1. Break tasks down, so when i do house work its never 'Tidy bedroom' or 'Tidy kitchen' i will break it down to each individual task that need doing and add it to a list of spreadsheet. then i focus on 1 small task before moving onto the others, yes there are now more tasks but they are small and simple like 'clean the sink'. It is also useful for family members who need more direction on what needs doing, you can even set up a time sheet or weekly sheet with dedicated stuff to be done on certain days, for your DD maybe add a reward for the more she does to encourage her to be more helpful.

1. I second the above post make sure you have me time, away from stressful things. if you get over whelmed take a time out and do something you enjoy, listen to music, read, take a walk or bath and although its difficult try to separate yourself from the stress.

1. Be firm and give deadlines to those who can help you. My partner can't always help out and i appreciate you may have the same situation but when they can be explicit in what you need and when it needs to be done. if its not done a gentle reminder is good, this should not start any aggression or tension if it does walk away and take some time for yourself. Go back and talk about the situation.

1. Be open and Honest about how you feel. I struggle to verbalise a lot and tend to snap if I'm pushed to my limits to help prevent this i write a note to my partner explaining how i feel that day or recently and what i feel i need to cope with the situation. I found keeping a journal for myself to just release my feelings was also useful. I would suggest encouraging your family to also be open with you about how they feel so that everyone can be on the same page and understand what is going on.

1. minimise what needs doing and A f*ck it attitude helps. if the washing up don't get done, it'll get done tomorrow nothing bad will happen, i even use paper plates on my bad days so there is less washing up to do later. figure out what will make your day to day life easier and implement the change, your health is important and should be a priority.

Thats kind of it really im sure other people may have some better ones but just be kind to yourself and be open about what it is that you need, your loved ones will be willing to help you if they know how even if occasionally they need a bit of prodding or reminding.

Wish you all the best xx