Do I pretend we’re a couple at antenatal class?

[Poppylizzyrose]

My friend was going to attend the class with me but she cancelled and I’m getting on well with babies Dad (we aren’t together, he’s been to every scan with his Mum, his Mum and nan came to my shower bought the baby gifts.
We’d only been dating briefly before we made surprise baby and I’d already ended the relationship, info in another thread)

Anyway he’d asked ages ago to attend the classes and id said he could attend the last one, as that’s about baby care. (I don’t want him in room when I birth the baby, he’s now okay with that.) when I asked he was very happy about it and said we could pretend to be a couple...I said no but I’m happy to let people assume, is that wrong? I won’t say we are but not say we aren’t?

I work in a baby shop and regularly explain about us and how the baby happened as people ask and say we’re on good terms but, this is in my time. Going to be all couples there, just wonder if it will be more akward saying we aren’t really. I said to him I’m not lying if anyone directly asks because I’d like to meet a mummy friend maybe and they’d obviously find out.

Just wondering your thoughts, whether at the start of the introductions they’ll ask us all about us and it’ll come out anyway, haven’t been to one before.

In the kindest possible way ... no one will give a shiny shite

But that's a fair point -- lots of NCT is geared towards birth, rather than baby care. It would make far more sense to have your birth partner with you.

I think you will find nobody gives a shit.

Thanks everyone!

We weren’t together long, 6 weeks infact before I left him. People always assume the men leave but we just didn’t have a lasting connection.

Anyway so he text me asking to grab something to eat first which was sweet and we met up talked about car seats ect and what’s left to buy, bit about when he’d have her his new job and how he has two weekend off a month now.

At the class it was fine like most of you said just introduced ourselves and said whether we knew sex and our due date.

One embarrassing bit was we all had to write our biggest worry and hope for the baby. Most put things like hoping for a healthy happy baby, or dads worrying that they wouldn’t know what to do ect.

I hope for a kind baby and worry she might be dyslexic as I was (think Jon is) and I struggled at school.

Anyway jon hopes she doesn’t have his nose and worries she won’t like football 😂

Other than that it was information over load about babies brain development and tummy time benefits ect lectures about using the tv as a nanny.

I’m looking forward to next class and was pretty impressed by Jon. 👍🏻

Poppylizzyrose great update, its lovely that you can co-parent so well.

Thanks nesssie

So far so good! I think he’ll be a good father, and we’re muddling along with it all.

I just hope he doesn’t get attached because Im truely not interested in him in a romantic way. I do think he’s just being friendly because of baby and I hope we stay as we are getting on.

I teach antenatal classes and this scenario isn't that unusual. Just be honest. The honesty will help the teacher run a course which suits your situation.

To be honest, Poppy, that had occurred to me reading your updates. It doesn’t sound to me as if he is consciously trying to use your pregnancy as a way of resuming the relationship at this point, but it sounds to me as if that may be a danger you need to watch out for. You will need to have very firm boundaries and remember why you ended the relationship after only a few weeks.

Iris, that thought has definitely crossed my mind. I try and have minimal contact unless there’s a baby reason. I’m very friendly in general and it’s my default setting to try and get on and laugh about tough situations to make them more bearable.

I’ve had toughest time in relationships last few years, but that doesn’t mean I will settle for a man I don’t love.

Jon makes no physical attempts to be close and still talks and makes plans about a future in which we’re not together. If he changes his tune I will have to be crystal clear. 👍🏻

It sounds like he’s stepping up well (and his family). Don’t lie. Just be confident and honest. You set the tone.

I wouldn't pretend either.

But I have to add a note of caution to all the people saying no-one will care or treat you differently. They may, in fact. My friend is a single mum - her baby's father was her boyfriend but they didn't live together and he didn't want to be a parent to her baby, though he wanted some involvement. She actually found her NCT class quite upsetting because of it. Not that people meant to be nasty, but it was set up on the assumption everyone's in a couple, because most people are, and she did find people treated her not very nicely.

feministdragon that’s pretty much what I wanted to avoid. Depending on what I thought everyone was like I may have been more straight up and honest but all were married. I didn’t lie we didn’t have to.

We introduced ourselves and our babies sex and due rate. Jon actually knew one of the couples there, an old swimming teacher. They’re not connected in anyway now but I do feel a bit stuck as we can’t really come clean now! 😂

If anyone directly asks I will be honest though, just don’t think they will. I did feel bad when she kept saying how the baby will know our voices. Jon looked a bit sad and I know the baby won’t really know his.

I’ve only seen him at scans and the odd time until now. So I think if they knew they’d tailor the class and what they were saying but mostly it’s a lot of information, I think it’s oy 4 classes. I bet we’ll manage.

Bump-

I’m feeling a bit low after this weeks antenatal class. A midwife was in attendance and it was all about the birth and delivery. I’m feeling really mean I’m not letting Jon attend. I have zero interest in him but he’s been so kind throughout and I feel real guilt.

We carried on the not saying we aren’t together not saying we are and everyone assumes we are and that’s been okay. However today one of the couples were holding hands and cuddling and I felt very lonely.

I’m sad I don’t love Jon, I know I don’t and won’t, just feel very sad I’ve not made a baby with a man I love and I don’t have that happy glow :(

I don’t regret this pregnacy at all, and I’m so lucky jon has wanted to be fully involved from the start and he’s so interested in the baby, he’s early for everything, like 30 mins early for scans today anything.

I guess I’m just really hormonal, and need to look on the bright side. Really wish I had someone to rub my back through labour, hold my hand; and love me. 😢

Will you have anyone with you when you're giving birth, your mum or someone else?

My older sister said she will definitely be with me, but she doesn’t live with me. I’ve asked close friends and it’s kind of a case of who will be free on the day. My mum works away and might be miles away so she isn’t a sure thing.

My sister could be away, there’s no sure person really. Jon would be there in a heart beat and I know he’d take me ect. It’s me that doesn’t want him there but then I feel awful about it.

It’s so personal, i’ll Be in so much pain, I sometimes hate him for no reason at all. :( he’s been really supportive and kind. Just never thought I’d be in these shoes honestly.

Have you considered a doula at all? I had one for my first birth and she was fantastic.