To think badly behaved kids do exist....

Depends on the circumstances and how it is done, but the example of a stranger thoroughly humiliating an 8 year old for forgetting to say thank you when someone opened a door for them was given, which is belittling someone younger than you for your own enjoyment and over the top, not good manners in itself.

You'll have to elaborate on that situation as it sounds rather extreme and not what 99% of the population would do when faced with bad manners.

And if you get aerated about that, what on earth will you do when someone is actually rude and not just forgetful? Implode?

Not being aerated at all, not sure where you got that from Manners are ingrained. Most of the time we automatically remember to say please, thank you, excuse me please etc as it is part of daily life.

Olive Stabler
To elaborate: My 8 year old was humiliated at school in a crowded corridor in front of all her classmates. The TA in question yelled “How rude LP’s dd! When someone holds the door for you you should say thank you!”
My heart still plummets when I see the way her poor wee face crumpled and shoulders hunched and still don’t know to this day why I didn’t challenge the woman. Perhaps I didn’t want to stress my dd out further as she just couldn’t cope with being the centre of attention.

It did inform the way I taught manners as a teacher later on though. Always by example, making sure I modelled saying please and thank you and made a big thing of praising children out loud in front of other children for their manners. For those children with a special need that meant they couldn’t pick up on these social cues, I would be more explicit but never in a harping, critical way.


Nelson Mandela said “Be the change you want to see.”
Being kind and polite yourself is much the best way to foster manners in others. Please and Thank you are merely words. It is the feeling behind them that make them meaningful.

I used to work with a couple of teachers who had a “thing about manners,” and routinely pounced on any child who forgot theirs with a sarcasm verging on the downright cruel. They felt their own manners were impeccable because they never forgot to say please and thank you!

So, I stand by what I said. The urge to point out others’ lack of manners has always felt to me like a very rude and impolite thing to do.

You are right OP, the majority of children not saying please and thank you at Halloween are unlikely to have additional needs.

Anecdotally my little boy has autism. He is only 6 so I don't let him out on his own yet. He is however at least as well behaved/sensible as his classmates so suspect/hope he will be allowed to go with them when they start going out on their own (9 or 10 around here generally). At present he communicates quite well but never manages to say please and thank you. I hope that may change before he is ready to do Halloween on his own. Regardless of his SN I wouldn't mind a gentle reminder from an adult to say "thank you".

To elaborate: My 8 year old was humiliated at school in a crowded corridor in front of all her classmates. The TA in question yelled “How rude LP’s dd! When someone holds the door for you you should say thank you!”
My heart still plummets when I see the way her poor wee face crumpled and shoulders hunched and still don’t know to this day why I didn’t challenge the woman. Perhaps I didn’t want to stress my dd out further as she just couldn’t cope with being the centre of attention.

That wasn't public humiliation, your dd was rude and was called out on it. Embarrassing but not uncommon in schools from what I remember.

So, I stand by what I said. The urge to point out others’ lack of manners has always felt to me like a very rude and impolite thing to do.

If that's how you feel then that's up to you. I'd rather poor mannered people were corrected or else they keep acting that way.

We've got friends who have what I would politely describe as three wilful children. The friends spent years preaching about their free range parenting philosophy. How rules impinge the spirit & character of said children blah, blah. Their kids got away with everything for years including robbing the lunch off a child with severe dietary issues while mother looked on saying nothing. Now ten years later, the parents have had a shock to the system as their darling, free spirited angels have turned into feral thugs. They're struggling to implement any sort of order at home & outside because they naively thought manners would come to them automatically.

I'm scared of going to their house now and will only meet mother outside at a cafe. They boys have tried to attack each other with knives and their mum is understandably close to a breakdown.

That sort of public humiliation doesn't always correct bad manners. It can create anxiety and avoidant behaviour. I avoid those sorts of doors, use automatic where I can and hang back if I see someone in the opposite direction using the door.

I was worse in my teens, the second time I made a mistake and didn't hold a door to someone who "called me out on it" my response was to verbally abuse them.

I wish there was a door guide.

It certainly doesn't, and in quiet, sensitive, thoughful, intelligent children as I was it just makes you lose confidence and be more self-conscious, and gives you an inferiority complex. Everyone else is getting it right and I'm not. What is wrong with me?

YANBU OP
Parenting is hard work, not giving in to tantrums is hard, reminding your kids of manners EVERY TIME is hard, setting consequences for bad behaviour and seeing them through is hard. It isn't meant to be easy but some parents will do anything for an easy life and can't be arsed to put the effort in to raise pleasant human beings.
If a child is badly behaved it does not automatically mean they have SN, I think it's offensive to parents of kids with SN to make that assumption.