To feel completely trapped?

[HopefullyAnonymous]

With DH for ten years, married for one. Two school age DCs. Some issues with infidelity early in the relationship (on his part) but we moved past it. Until his stag do last year where I suspect something happened but he denies this and I have no proof. Also on our honeymoon I discovered he was messaging someone else. She was also married and not interested but he certainly was. This in itself should be enough to leave, I know.

On top of this he is hopeless with money. When I met him he was under an IVA and when I first moved in finances were very tight because of this. As soon as that was paid off, he took out a credit card which was quickly maxed out. And then another. Then a next account. An Argos card. All high interest and although we earn okish salaries the monthly payments are crippling. A few months ago he took out a payday loan, which I discovered because I had an urge to open his bank statement. We had stern words and I issued him an ultimatum saying I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I thought we were making progress.

This morning I found a letter for a new credit card he’d taken out recently. £7500 limit. Goodness knows what damage he could do with that. We can barely afford to make the payments on the existing debt.

We do not have joint finances; because of his spending issues I always hold money back for emergencies. It’s often needed. If he had access to it he would spend it. I have no idea where the money goes really - he occasionally “treats” himself to reasonably expensive clothes (and then tries to tell me he’s had them ages/they were a gift) but nothing that would account for the level of debt. All paperless statements and despite my requests he never produces them. I don’t think it’s gambling and I would 100% rule out drugs.

He is an amazing father. Hands on, engaged, available, pulls his weight around the house. We are a great team when it comes to parenting. However due to the constant battle over money and his recent indiscretions the spark between us has completely gone and we are more friends really.

I just don’t see how I can break up what the children believe is a happy home, how do you know when enough is enough? I’m worried about what the financial situation would be if I left, and whether I’m liable for the debt too as we are married? Also, I work shifts including lates and nights. I wouldn’t be able to keep my job and have the children with me. I love my job but wouldn’t leave the children.

I feel completely and hopelessly trapped. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for in posting this really but I feel pinned down and desperate under the weight of it all. I worry that one day he won’t pay the rent, or done other bill and as much as he promises to change he just doesn’t. Has anyone turned s situation like this around?

He is an amazing father. Hands on, engaged, available, pulls his weight around the house. We are a great team when it comes to parenting.

He may well be an amazing father but clearly isn't an amazing husband. He can continue to be an amazing father without being married to you. I am assuming you expressed what you felt to him and that made no acceptable or sustainable change. This means that talking further is pointless. The next step is to decide what action you are going to take and stick with it. In reality, there are only 2 possible actions:

1. you learn to accept him as he is and just live with it because leopard doesn't change his spots and all that

OR

2. you tell him what you want from the relationship and mean it (once) and if no change if forthcoming, you move on

There are no other choices here.

Thanks for your reply. That’s the issue though; I feel like I’m stuck with option 1 but it’s not really a choice. Talking doesn’t work - over the last decade we’ve talked about it so many times and it’s still the same. But the debt is at a level where I don’t see how financially we would manage apart. Either the children remain with him so that I can continue to work in my current job as the higher earner and pay him maintenance, but I wouldn’t trust him to manage the finances and I can’t bear to not have the children with me. Or the children live with me but to afford to keep on top of his debts he would probably have to live with his elderly parents and I’d have to leave my job for something probably less well paid.

It all just feels completely hopeless to me right now and I can’t think of a way to fix it.

I feel like I’m stuck with option 1 but it’s not really a choice.

You are not stuck with option 1 because option 1 means you accept him as he is and it no longer bothers you. That's what true acceptance means. In your case, that's clearly not the case (and I am not saying you should accept him BTW). I am just saying that acceptance is an option to some and some people can do it. You are clearly not there. And maybe will never be.

Because you are saying things have been talked about many times, I am assuming you have probably even gone as far as to tell him you would consider leaving? If not, then it's probably time to do that. But do it only if you mean it. Otherwise it turns into empty threats and you are back to square one.

Him living with his elderly parents isn't your problem. Yes, kids living with you may well mean you'd have to look for another job or pay childminders to help but if he is as great a dad as you say he is, then I assume he won't refuse to help with babysitting.

The point I am trying to make is that you must take a step to start changing your life. Yes, it's scary and it's tough but, on the other hand, do you prefer a prospect of having to put up with this man's nonsense and childish selfish behaviour for the rest of your life? Support him for the rest of his life? Sacrifice what you can do in your life because he has to pay debts and the money is tight? Is that what you really want for yourself?

I know this is a cliche but life really isn't a rehearsal. You only have one. Take the first step and tell him if you see no sustainable change, you are out.

Yes I’ve told him before I would leave. It just made him more secretive with his spending and more defensive when confronted. He’s a lot older than me and we met when I was 20 so it’s all I’ve known. I’m scared that the children will hate me and that everyone else will think I’m mad. Not even my parents know the extent of it. I feel completely overwhelmed and lonely, desperately trying to find my big girl pants and just do something.

Yes, it is scary but you either do something about it or look back at your life decades later and this will be all you'll ever know. Sadly (but also luckily!) the choice is yours. Nobody else can make it for you.

This may seem extreme, but can you take control of his finances?

This may seem extreme, but can you take control of his finances?

How can she does that? There is absolutely nothing she can do to stop him from applying for more credit cards and loans and hiding both from her. When you apply for those things, nobody asks you what your wife or husband thinks about your applications!

I’ve tried. He agreed to let me give him an allowance a few years ago but quickly became resentful of the amount I -could afford to- give him and racked up more debt.

Can your parents help look after the children whilst you work? Perhaps DH could have time with them whilst you worked? You need to decide what you really want and then look for solutions. Currently you feel trapped because you can see no effective way out. Can you talk yo your mum and put her more on the picture. Once she is aware, do you feel they could help with a bit more care of the chdren?

Your children may seem happy now but the lot of you could easily lose the roof over your heads if his bad habits continue to spiral.

I don’t think you are really trapped. It just feels that way. I have read some posts on here where the woman actually is trapped and I can’t see a way out for her. For you there are various options:

1. try to find a new job (though maybe you like your job, or maybe this isn’t possible)
2. arrange for him to have the kids when you work
3. support from parents
4. occasional childminder. Expensive I know, but if you free yourself from him you would free yourself from repaying his debt and could perhaps put the money towards a childminder on some nights

Worrying about breaking up a happy home is a red herring. Can you be happy knowing this is your lot for possibly the next couple of decades? Of course not, and sooner or later your children will realise that.

You deserve love, a fulfilling sex life and freedom from this financial stress that should never have been yours. You won’t get those things in this relationship.

Another possibility is that your kids could have a sleepover with friends one night a week in exchange for you taking the friends one night - is there anyone you could set up a regular exchange like that with? It would go some way to reducing childcare costs/strain on your family.

Realise the things I’m suggesting aren’t options for everyone. But if even one or two of them will work for you maybe you can cobble together a childcare plan that works.

Sorry this is happening OP. Your DH sounds like my ex with regards money/infidelity. It is very stressful and a constant betrayal of trust.

As far as I’m aware if the debts are in your ex’s name only, then he is the one liable to pay it.

My ex had a debt plan, we paid it off, thought we were starting afresh, but then he screwed me over financially and buggered off with his girlfriend. We’re getting divorced and of course, he has more debts.

Life is so much calmer for us without that constant worry that the bills might be unpaid, or that H might be doing something behind my back. Things are nicely predictable most of the time. We are also financially better off, despite being theoretically on a much, much lower income, because it’s not been pissed up the wall!

You have to decide for yourself whether you are willing to live with that stress. It doesn’t sound like your DH will change, and lies and deceit is not normally acceptable in a marriage. You would find a way to get on by yourself with the kids, if you chose to leave your DH. There are other jobs, or if your DH is going to stay being a hands on dad maybe he could have the kids when you’re working lates etc.