Feel so lost and alone. Anyone have any experience of this?
Feellost2017 · 31/10/2018 13:23
Posting in AIBU for traffic. With my DH for 10 years, married for 3. No kids. I'm just in a lot of pain right now and was hoping someone may have advice.
I suffer from Vaginismus which makes sex or smear tests impossible. I've never had penetrative sex and myself and DH have never had sex. I thought for years the love I had for him and how well we got on would be enough to compensate for the lack of intimacy between us. But all the emotions and feelings I've repressed have come to the surface in the last 3 years. I've finally admitted to myself that even if I were magically cured in the morning, the physical attraction to him isn't there. I'm so broken and in so much pain.
I've told him all of this and he's so hurt as his right. He says he wouldn't mind continuing on as is even with the knowledge we'd never again be intimate or have a family. But I just don't think I can do it. To him or to me.
I actually thought that part of me was dead and I just wasn't a sexual person. But I met someone in the last year that I have sexual feelings for. Nothing has or will happen. This is the first time in my life I've felt like this. I tried telling myself I felt these feelings due to the issues in the marriage but I have to face up to it that the problems were there all along. And it's so unfair that for most of my life I've felt unnatural and so much pain and then to get these feelings that are not for my husband. It feels like I'm being punished all over again.
I don't really know what I'm asking here. I just needed to get the words out.
Singlenotsingle · 31/10/2018 13:28
Depends what you want really. Have you never been to the doctor about the vaginismus? Surely there must be a remedy of some sort?
As far as the marriage is concerned, there's no point you jumping out of this marriage and getting together with someone else if you can't have sex with him either. He probably won't be as patient as DH.
Perc0lator · 31/10/2018 13:47
Hello. I have a lot of experience of this and I understand where you’re coming from. I was in the same position as you, it did for all my long term relationships and I got to the age of 34 without ever having had penetrative sex, a smear or using a tampon. I tried for years to get help. It’s difficult as it’s both a physical and psychological problem and you need an approach that involves both elements.
I was referred to a medical specialist at my local hospital who discovered one of the problems was that my hymen was too thick and wouldn’t break in the usual way. I had it removed under general anaesthetic but of course it didn’t remove the vaginismus automatically as it’s a learned response that you need help to unlearn. I also had Botox injections into the muscles, which didn’t help that much. I had my breakthrough after attending the My Body Back clinic in London. They help women who have been the victim of sexual abuse (which was unfortunately the case with me) have smear tests. I couldn’t recommend them enough, they treated me with such kindness and consideration. I had follow-up sessions with a psychologist and doctor there which helped me work on the physical side. At the same time, I saw a private psychotherapist who helped me work on the trauma and self-esteem/body image issues.
This route may not be right for you, but I just wanted you to know that it can definitely get better. I still cry when I have a smear, and sometimes sex can be difficult but it’s a thousand times better than it was. I’d be happy to talk via PM if you want further details.
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