Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not go to funeral?

22 replies

BadHairFatFeet · 31/10/2018 10:06

I've been agonising over this one for the last two days.

A dear friend of my DH's family recently passed away and the funeral is next week, about 3 hours away near to where my DH is from and where my in-laws still live.

I'd really like to go and pay my respects and i'd like to support DH as he is doing a reading and it will be emotional for him too.

My only reservation is we welcomed our DS 3 months ago, who i am EBF. I have started to expressing so i can be away from him for more than an hour, but it takes a while to get a decent amount out and he is a VERY hungry baby.

My DH and i agree a funeral and, to a certain degree, a wake probably aren't the best place for a 3 mo baby.

We'd be staying with my ILs and MIL has asked another friend of the family if she could look after DS for the funeral and possibly wake. But i'm not sure. Staying with my ILs can be stressful and intense as DS is their PFGC and my MIL has a knack of saying insensitive things to me and being somewhat OTT. But they'll want to see DS, as will others and I know it might be a comfort, so it seems mean spirited to deny them that.

But it's not really about me, so i guess my question is; should i just suck it up, make the trip with DS and pump enough to leave him for the fumeral?

OP posts:

LoopyLou1981 · 31/10/2018 10:14

It’s obviously your choice but I would (and have) taken small babies to funerals. Both of my grandparents passed away within a couple of months of the children being born.
They were both completely content and fed through the ceremony and everyone said is was a welcome, happy distraction from some of the sadness.x

LoopyLou1981 · 31/10/2018 10:15

*my children not ‘the children’

SilverLining10 · 31/10/2018 10:18

I personally dont think a funeral is the right place for a baby. That's just my opinion. And I certainly wouldnt be leaving my baby with someone else especially if they dont know the baby well. Can you perhaps only attend the wake with your baby.

Winegumaddict · 31/10/2018 10:22

It's up to you I would take the baby. They have no idea what is happening. Sit on the end of a row/pew and leave if they won't settle. For most EBF babies if they start crying a boob fixes it. I wouldn't have left mine at that age. I took both of mine to a funeral last year age 2.5 and nearly 1. Yes funerals are sad but I just explained what was happening. Our family like to see children at all occasions as that is real life.

tumpymummy · 31/10/2018 10:29

I wouldn't leave a 3 mth old but I would go to the funeral with baby, sit at the back and leave if baby starts crying. Funerals aren't normally long and if baby is fed just beforehand he may well sleep through it anyway. I like children at funerals (older children if well behaved), it's the circle of life etc. It will be nice to have baby at the wake, people will be able to coo over him.

MrsTommyBanks · 31/10/2018 10:34

I think there is something very comforting in having young babies at funerals. It was certainly the case at my DGFs funeral earlier this year.
However I'm aware not everyone feels that way.
Ultimately you should do what you feel comfortable with. Which I'm aware isn't any help to you.

TillyTheTiger · 31/10/2018 10:36

Take him to the funeral. If you try to feed him at the start, likely he'll sleep through the rest of the service. Sit at the back in case you need to take him out. I took my 8mo to my auntie's funeral and he didn't make a sound in the service, and was lovely to have at the wake as he cheered everyone up.

Gatehouse77 · 31/10/2018 10:41

I took my 5 day old DS to a funeral and it was fine. He slept through the service but if hadn't I'd have fed him (sat near the back just in case).

We did opt out of the wake but that was because it was 5 days. By 3 months I'd have gone.

However, it's about what makes you feel comfortable and all the anecdotal evidence in the world is meaningless if you aren't.

TheClaws · 31/10/2018 10:44

He doesn’t need to be at the funeral part - the moment he makes a sound is too late - but you can take him to the wake. The notion of “cheering people up” is odd though. Why would having a baby at a funeral suddenly make people happy? It might turn their minds away for a moment, but that’s it.

Hogtini · 31/10/2018 10:45

I would go and be there for DH. Yes it's not ideal but you'll manage fine

DollyWilde · 31/10/2018 10:51

In my experience of attending funerals (although I don’t have DCs) tiny babes in arms are much, much less of a problem than toddlers. They’re portable, they don’t run around, and a feed usually shushes them. I’d take DS.

irregularegular · 31/10/2018 10:52

I'd probably take him, unless you expect it to be a very formal, old-fashioned affair, where people will be unhappy about a brief baby noise. Obviously leave if he cries, but at least you will have shown your respect/support.

My father died recently, we are in the process of organizing the funeral. I would be perfectly happy to have a small baby there provided he/she did not cause a really long, loud disturbance.

irregularegular · 31/10/2018 10:53

But if you possibly can, do check with the family first!

irregularegular · 31/10/2018 10:55

And on this occasion, it is definitely not just about what makes you feel comfortable (contrary to what others have said above) it is about what makes those closest to the deceased feel comfortable.

irregularegular · 31/10/2018 10:57

And the notion of "cheering people up" isn't odd at all. At the moment I am taking, enjoying and valuing all the moments of happiness, joy and beauty that I can get. Babies are great!

jillowarriorqueen · 31/10/2018 11:03

YANBU to not go, no. My DFIL died when my DD was 15 months old. It was the week we were supposed to move house, so money was tight. It was also in the USA. I stayed home with my DD. It was so hard, but that was what DH wanted in this case, so I respected his wishes. He wanted the time to focus on the loss of his father and not have the distraction of a boisterous toddler to worry about. Then there was the issue of flights. It worked out well for us in the end.

My point is, do what you need to do. It sounds (from what you say) that you and DH feel it best you stay home with the baby. No one would think badly of you if you did, and to my mind, if they DID, then they wbvu.

Hope you settle on a good solution for all soon. Sorry for your loss.

redexpat · 31/10/2018 11:05

I really like babies at funerals. Definitely a sign of life carrying on, also a good distraction and/or conversation starter.

makingmammaries · 31/10/2018 11:13

I took my 4 month old to a funeral. He squeaked briefly and an old biddy told me off. The friend who had died loved my baby so I think he was right that he was there, but be prepared for possible flak.

ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 31/10/2018 11:17

I would take him but sit near the back. I do feel that having babies & children at a funeral / wake does make people feel better. You could possibly ask the family if you are not sure how they would feel. The fact that you are making such a long journey & your husband is doing a reading, makes it sound like the families are very close, so I'm sure they would love to see your son.

ICantFindAFreeNickName2 · 31/10/2018 11:24

I have assumed that the person who passed away is your DH's parents age. If it is a younger person, it may be a bit insensitive to take a baby, if it will remind the family of what their own child (and the wider family) have missed out on by dying young. Sorry not very well put, but hopefully you get my point.

BrickByBrick · 31/10/2018 11:32

My youngest was 6 weeks old when we took her to fil funeral. I made sure I had a dress I could fed in, but she slept for the whole funeral and was happy just having cuddles at the wake. She was quite a welcome distraction.

mikapatika · 31/10/2018 11:39

I took my youngest when she was 2 months old, sat at the back and took her out for a feed when she became fractious. She slept through the wake

Flip