About my abusive ex

[Cuppatea10]

He was emotionally/mentally and financially abusive to me. I went into a refuge for 6 months. This was 2 years ago now. Things haven't been so bad with him for about a year now. Exchange texts about our son and checking to see if he's ok etc. No personal talk. He has made a few digs here and there but today the text he sent made me so angry. I think it's because I can see he is making a dig just like he would have done when we were together.
He said He has changed our sons shoes for nursery because the ones I put him in were "weirdo" shoes and he wants these trainers back.
So I snapped and said do you not want to be disrespectful as I don't comment on what you dress him in. And then he came out with the classic lines"I was only joking, you're so sensitive, you're playing the victim".
I know this was a small thing but all the years I took him chipping away at me I snapped. I hate the man, he has to be the most manipulative person I've ever met and now I know his game he hates that I speak up for myself now.
I'm pretty sure INBU but just wanted to put it out there.

YANBU. I would, in future, try very hard to remain neutral and simply answer with something like ‘Please do not change ds’s shoes’ and just repeat ad infinitum.

There are worse things to be upset about. Really.

i think you were a bit over the top with the snapping - its only a comment, but as you say its years of built up abuse. However you did exactly what he wanted you to do. Now you look snappy and irrational while he just wants his son to be dressed nicely.

just ignore him. it doesnt interfere with your life what he does and you dont give a shit. that will annoy him more.

I understand why you’re angry. It might sound silly to other people but when you’ve been put down at very opportunity b an abusive partner, it’s hard and a long process to get your confidence back. It is a way of keeping control of your emotions so don’t give him this power over you. Best thing to do is put the trainers in a bag, give them back to him and don’t say anything. Easier said than done but he wants a reaction from you. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

This is not about the shoes... this is about him still being able to push your buttons.
I advise you to say everything you want to say in response to his messages in the privacy of your own room.. then do not reply. I know it probably feels that this approach is "letting him" control you, but I think that responding - especially defensively - is letting him control you more. He will be more frustrated not knowing what your reaction is, and more so if he thinks you are unaffected by his messages.

There are bigger things to worry about but you could say that to alot of people on this site.
Excatly if you've been emotionally/mentally or financially abused you will understand. He just knows how to push my buttons and I've done so well this past year not to rise to it. But yesterday id just had enough of him.

What can you do to get to a place where he doesn’t impact you so much ? Easy to ask and it’s a deep tie after years / bearing kids

But aim for a place where you don’t care , are mildly irritated . Don’t give him so much power

Deep breath. He got through, he will probably get through again. And you will be angry then as well.

But hey! You can always come here and vent every little bit of spleen. He's a gobshite. You got rid of him. Just think how much he must hate that if he spends so much thought on trying to rile you!

At some point you'll get to be like my aunt. You'll smirk every time he sends one of his little 'bombs'; you'll see the effort he made to try and hurt you, see how much time he put into it. You might even feel sorry for hi, spending so much of his energy on you!

She says that he can think what he likes, he may think he is being the man, controlling her, but now all she sees is a petulant little boy who had a toy taken away - and she smirks

It's probably best to have no contact with your ex. Arrange the contact only, no messages to see if one or other of you is ok. Block him on your phone and just email about contact. Abusive men do NOT EVER change, that would mean admitting to THEMSELVES that they were wrong and they cannot do that.

curious that made me smile because when I first met him I brought his act of thinking he was everything and knew So much etc. And now I see past the smoke and mirrors and I see a pathetic little boy throughout a strop every time I don't jump to him.
season he is never wrong ever! I'm always stupid and wrong.
He has now tried again to put control over me and Demand I pick our DS up from nursery and drop him to his house instead of picking him up from nursery. Didn't work though as I said he can get him from my DM house if he's concerned about being late ( this was the excuse he used, but I knew it weren't the true reason).
It's always such a battle nothing is easy

Sneaky! "Oh, OK! Pick him up from DMs if that's easier for you" leaves him nowhere to go! Grey rock and trickle away water, all in one go!

You need more of these ideas. Just keep skittering away from him, offer no resistance but put up with no shit!

If my aunt is right, she is a bit of a character, so she may not be, you get used to being a "Duck - water off the back, for the use of" - her ex is ex army

he is abusive and trying to get a rise out of you, don't rise to it however hard it is or he will keep doing it. . personally I don't believe children should be exposed to people like this at all even if it's the childs father.
I went to court to stop access to my ex who was a physically abusive narcissist and I was right to do so as my son now aged 35 said he'd chip away at his self esteem non stop during access visits and he was glad when they stopped.

curious my mum suggested that and I used it. All I got back was ill pick him up. Because be doesn't want to face my parents. They know what he's like and my DM hates him.

madcat that almost made me cry because that's my worse fear. I already am worried now about the impact he's having on our DS. Atm he is trying to become the favourite. Buying our DS with toys and treats. But as DS becomes older and has an opinion and mind I'm worried he will put down DS if he wants to dress differently or have a hobby he agrees with. He has already made very clear he wants DS to do football when he's old enough but then I think what if he doesn't want to but does it just to please his dad. I also feel if I stopped contact with his dad, DS would hate me because of the way he is with our son atm. He literally smoothers him in public, won't let him go. Cuddles and kisses him All the time. He's done this at various appointments we have had with DS.

He disagrees with*

my mum suggested that and I used it. All I got back was ill pick him up. Because be doesn't want to face my parents. They know what he's like and my DM hates him So you know it works...

All you can do about the behaviour stuff is listen to your DC and support them. If your ex really is so self absorbed he will alienate your DS at some point. And then you will be best placed to help them get what they need/want!