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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Abusive husband update

19 replies

Blackberry10 · 31/10/2018 06:39

Thanks for all the advice given to me. He has moved out and me and DS are still in the house. I have spoken to his dad who has really laid into husband (not physically).
Husband is going to have councilling and anger management and my inlaws are going to pay privately. Husband says he will do anything to gain my love and respect again.
I have said that will be a long road and don’t expect for everything to go back to normal for a long long time and there will only be a chance if that if he changes.
He is living with his mum and dad for foreseeable future and he knows that I am very doubtful I can ever have him back.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 06:46

Don't ever take him back. Abusers DO NOT change. He will only be pretending and saying what you want to hear so he can weasel his way back in, and then before you know it, the abuse will start again.

longwayoff · 31/10/2018 06:49

Good luck blackberry, its very hard at first but don't take him back because you're lonely and feel sorry for him too. Good luck.

Sohardtochooseausername · 31/10/2018 06:50

Good luck. You sound very strong.

oatmilk4breakfast · 31/10/2018 06:52

Good luck and well done! 💐

LilMy33 · 31/10/2018 06:56

It’s great he wants help- assuming he does go through with it. my abusive ex said all manner of things to get his own way that were lies. But I truly think he should be more focused on changing his ways so he can have a healthy relationship with his DC.

Ledkr · 31/10/2018 07:12

Well done on taking the first step.
Don't spend the time "supporting him to change" let him get on and attempt to change but in the meantime start to make a life for yourself, see old friends, plan some fun stuff to do, look at your career pathway etc. That way you are enabling yourself to make better choices.

Another thing is BE WARY often the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic abuse is the period when you have finally split up.

Best of luck

Havaina · 31/10/2018 07:16

Glad he is out, but I would make it permanent. He won't change.

Is the house in your name?

ciderhouserules · 31/10/2018 07:18

OP - what are his parents actually like? Be aware that abusers are usually following a Role Pattern laid down in childhood.....

Nagsnovalballs · 31/10/2018 07:19

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK

Some abusers use therapy or counselling to become more expert manipulators
He will be Mr Perfect and wonderful until he has you back where he wants
His parents want you back together to prevent the shame of divorce.

Stay the FUCK away from him. Get a separate phone and have the old phone as his only contact.

Well done for escaping. It takes on average over 30 attempts to leave. Don’t make this the first attempt, make it the last ever final departure.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 31/10/2018 07:24

His parents want you back together to prevent the shame of divorce

There is no shame in divorce. Please be careful with statements like this. Suggesting it is shameful to divorce is what keeps people in u healthy relationships.

EdisonLightBulb · 31/10/2018 07:32

He is only agreeing to change because without his parents he has nothing. If they walked away too he would be alone. He won't change he is just willing to try anything, for now.

Xenia · 31/10/2018 07:36

I can't remember other details but it looks like you are married. Do make sure if he works the money side of things is sorted out for this period before any divorce or final separation so you know where you stand financially.

wowfudge · 31/10/2018 07:40

Surely that's what the pp means though - what's worse for the OP divorce or an abusive relationship? What his parents think is neither here nor there.

Original poster

Blackberry10 · 31/10/2018 07:43

Don’t worry I can’t honestly see him coming back. I just want him to have a good relationship with DS and if councilling helps then great. Also if it stops him being a dick in any future relationships he may have then all for good. He won’t be trying out the new him on me though.

OP posts:

TwistinMyMelon · 31/10/2018 07:46

Cut off contact NOW and forever. He will NOT change

dontalltalkatonce · 31/10/2018 07:48

Abusers NEVER change.

mathanxiety · 31/10/2018 07:52

Husband is going to have councilling and anger management and my inlaws are going to pay privately. Husband says he will do anything to gain my love and respect again.

This is not the good news you think it is.

He is trying to hoover you back. Not because he loves you and values your relationship but because he has been backed into a corner and to accept that you have drawn a line under the relationship, get divorced, and act as a reasonable ex and father to the DCs, obeying the terms of the divorce and paying you an honest amount of child support would be a blow to his ego.

Counseling and anger management only result in the abuser learning the language of victimhood and empathy, and these will be used to manipulate you and future counselors, solicitors, mediators and family court judges.

In his case, his parents are footing the bill to enable him to play you. He will lose no money if his ploy fails. I predict that you will lose their esteem as he will be able to convince them that he is partially a victim of all of this after picking up the lingo through counseling. They are also likely to see you as ungrateful for the money they have spent if you do not put out the welcome mat once he completes his courses.

Seriously, get divorced now. Don't play the game he is trying to drag you into.

TwistinMyMelon · 31/10/2018 07:54

Ok well just be prepared for him to get angry and jack the counselling in when he realises he won't get you back. In fact I'd be surprised if it happens at al or for very long.

I ended things with my abusive ex. He met me one day and told me how he was getting counselling blah blah. I softened and took him back. He did his introductory session with the counsellor by Skype. He got his foot back in the door. He didn't pay her so couldn't book the next session. Whenever I asked him when he was going to book the next session he told me he was too busy, it was none of my business, he was doing it for him not for me blah blah. When I pointed out that him getting the counselling was a big factor in me taking him back, he got angry that I used the words "taking him back" rather than getting back together, like he was a dog or something.

You can see where this is going. We are not together anymore. It was just a way to manipulate me. As soon as they are settled back in they revert back to type almost immediately.

Nagsnovalballs · 31/10/2018 08:01

Oh for god’s sake, I don’t think there is shame in divorce! I’m saying that’s the dumb reason the parents are playing such a strong role. They don’t care about OP as such, they want to prevent their son from being divorced.

Read my post properly @ohreally I was congratulating OP for leaving - does that sound like I’m suggesting divorce is shameful??

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