DSS wants me to fall off a cliff.

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DSS, is going through a particularly angry phase, doesn't want to see his dad anymore. Previous to this we've had a good loving relationship with DSS without any hiccups. Been married 10 years, been involved in lots of milestones, lots of happy memories, but never stepped on anyone's toes, been really respectful of that. DSS's mum is erratic, is prone to huge episodes of rage. Mostly waged at DH, but on occasion me. I've always tried to let them wash over me. But on Monday it came to a head and when I couldn't cop the abuse anymore. (It was very personal) and I blocked her from calling me.
Unfortunately this was a red rag to a bull. Now all the reasons DSS is unhappy are mine, I'm abusive, attention seeking, use chores as punishment, change plans at the last minute to spite DSS, have told him he's not invited on holiday with us, that I've ruined his childhood and that he wishes I would fall off a cliff. (I've done none of above, apart from on the odd occasion ask him to load the dishwasher)
He can't go to school because he is so upset, been to the dr and school councillor who both support that his behaviour and anxiety must be due to an abusive 'parent' in his life.
I'm in absolute bits, DH is trying to see DSS to get to the bottom of it with spending time with him after school. But he is wants nothing to do with me, nor will he come to the house. I am utterly heartbroken, I've done nothing but love him and feel sick at the thought of being painted as some kind of abuser.

Any advice ?

Take a big step back and tell your dh not to tell you what he's saying. He's being manipulated of course, but you dont need to hear it.

Bear in mind that you are a nice safe target for his unhappiness. Poor kid, but poor you too.

It sounds awful for all of you. Is he suffering from anxiety etc as claimed? How old is he? Presumably teenager or thereabouts which can be a difficult time anyway but with an erratic and abusive parent doubly so. Has there been some sort of trigger for the recent abuse of you by his mum? Sounds like he may be doing his best to cope with her problems/issues and he thinks that refusing to see his dad will help her cope which is obviously the wrong way round as she should be helping him.

The best thing you can do for all involved is to back right off.

Have nothing to do with DSS for now and absolutely no contact with DSS’s mum.

Your DH needs to make sure he is having a good amount of contact with his DS alone for now and to not mention anything about it at the moment.

Take all of the pressure off.

It will probably take a while until DSS has grown up emotionally a bit before he is less affected by his mum’s manipulation so unfortunately you just need to bide your time.

It’s shit for you especially when none of this is your fault but I think it’s not unheard of in step parent relationships for something like this to happen at some point.

The most important thing is that your DH doesn’t put loads of pressure on or questions your DSS about it all and makes it clear that his DSS is very much no.1 priority but still has the solid, healthy, happy home with you in the background for when DSS needs it.

Can your dh see his son away from you for a few visits. Ie he could take him to the cinema, you could be out for the day. He should also take some time off work so he can attend all the gp and counselling sessions.

You haven't done anything wrong. Let him know that there will always be a place for him in your heart and your home then back off completely and wait.

Have you heard this direct from your dss or has his mum communicated this? If so, was it via your dh? Because he should be more careful what he passes on. How old is dss?

This must be very difficult for you.

The step-parenting threads are very helpful and supportive on here, so I'd suggest posting there as well because there are lots of very experienced posters who are also SPs and will be able to offer advice.

In the meantime I agree with PP above - stepping back sounds like a good idea. This is not your fault, but allowing your DSS room to work this through will hopefully mean that he realises for himself what's happening. At the moment you are a target for his unhappiness, anger and lack of control. He's lashing out and he's doing it to the people that he knows he can safely do this to, because your love and presence is a constant - whereas his relationship with his Mum (by the sounds of it) is less secure.

How old is he?

If this has come from his mum it sounds as if it needs taking with a large pinch of salt!

Who has said that there is an abusive parent?

I agree that all you can do is step back & see how things progress.

Sounds like a very unhappy teen. He needs a focus for their irrational anger - unfortunately he's made that you. I would try not to take it personally, it's hard, because he is saying personal things, but it really isn't about you.

You'll get through it as long as your DH has your back at all times. You need to be a tight team.

*his, not their

This is not about you - I mean it in a good way - it's about a young man who's in a very bad place. Step away from the situation, it's not yours to sort. Be there for your husband, he'll be finding it very tough. Give it time. Good luck!

I agree with stepping back and not taking it personally. You are not his own parent and he can "afford" to blame you for everything at this confused point in his life. Your relationship with his dad, however well you have behaved, will also have been hard for him.

Just stay calm, continue to respect him and be ready for him to turn to you if he needs your support one day. And agree you don't need to be so involved or hear all the details.

I was (probably still am?) in the same situation and responded by disengaging completely from everyone except DH and checking out emotionally from the whole situation. You can't have a fight with someone who isn't fighting, and it's not satisfying to hurt someone who doesn't appear hurt. This took a good few years, because at first I was convinced that I could salvage the situation. But continuing to engage would have destroyed our marriage and it would have fed into DSC's unhealthy obsession. At last the hostility has died down and the future looks complicated but OKish.

agree with others that you need to back off. you are a convenient person for him to rage at, at the moment. remove yourself from the equation and he will either have to rage at someone else or perhaps realise that he is being unreasonable.

You need to keep your DH on side but be very clear that you neither deserve nor need this type of abuse from anyone. Block both the mother and the son from your social media until this storm blows through. explain to your DH why you are doing it.

He's early teens. I've backed off completely. DH is seeing him for a few hours at a time, we're seeking legal advice round access.
We've got a trip booked in 6 weeks to see DH's ageing DF, which DSS was included on. He no longer wants come with us. DSS's mum has said if he chooses to abandon him like that, he will having nothing more to do with him. He's been given an ultimatum, if you see your DF (late 70's poor health) - you'll never see DSS again.

It sounds like there is an abusive parent here.....and it’s certainly not you! Woman sounds batshit.

I hope there’s a solution here.

I was in the same situation for many years. The only thing you can do is detach from it all. Let DH see DSS on his own away from your house (and the psycho ex) and tell him not to tell you about the nasty messages. Make it clear to DH that he should keep visits short and sweet until DSS calms down a bit. You will soon find that the ex gets fed up not being able to have any free weekends. DH should tell his ex that any nasty messages will be ignored and he will only communicate by email to discuss arrangements for their son.

Start reading up about parental alienation. Does DH have a court order for contact? He may need to get legal advice if he doesn’t.

Just seen your last post. Did the ex email or text that threat about never seeing DSS again? Do NOT cancel the trip to see FIL.

Has the ex got a new partner?

You have done nothing wrong here. It sounds like the ex and DSS would be the same no matter who DH was with. She sounds like she is controlling and nasty which is making DSS anxious and angry. My DHs ex was exactly the same which had similar results for their children.

DSS's mum has said if he chooses to abandon him like that, he will having nothing more to do with him. He's been given an ultimatum, if you see your DF (late 70's poor health) - you'll never see DSS again.

What a disgusting thing for her to say! Do not cancel your trip.

The dialog was via text and she did have a partner, he turned out to be a serial fraudster - the relationship ended in court.

@Bluesmartiesarebest

Thank you for all the advice. The abuse has come via DSS's mum to DH, however DSS has said a few things to DH about how he doesn't like me and thinks I'm moody or ask too much of him. He normally shields me from all of it, but he showed me this week when he looked completely broken when I got home from work.
Right now he isn't putting pressure on him, just taking him for 1/2 hours. Trying to have a normal time.
We don't have a formal agreement, but we are now going to get the ball rolling.