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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you agree to this?

11 replies

whyohwhydoi · 30/10/2018 19:00

I'll try to keep this brief!

Ex h informed me a couple of weeks ago that a relative of his is getting married abroad in a couple of years. He wants to take DS - who will be 3.5.

For context, he currently has him once a week, for anything between 6-9 hours. Never had anything more and doesn't seem interested in more. He wanted to take him on holiday with his family at the beginning of this year, but I wasn't comfortable with DS being away from me for a long period of time while he was still quite small and at that point he'd only ever had him for 3-4 hours unsupervised.

He had also lied about the details, who was going, flights & dates and where they would be staying etc. He admitted afterwards he was 'glad he didn't take DS' as he 'would never have coped' (his words)

He wants to take DS to said wedding which is approx 3 hours (flight) away, with his girlfriend and their child who will be 1.5yo. The girlfriend, for some reason, has issues with me as it is (as told to me by ex) and who knows what'll happen in another 18 months anyway. He's proposed taking him for 10 days, then saw my face and said 'maybe 7'

I understand he doesn't legally need any permission etc and it's still ages away but I don't know if I'm unreasonable to have doubts about him taking DS, I feel like I can't trust him after last time after all the lies came out, and he doesn't have much to do with DS atm which doesn't look like it will change any time soon!

OP posts:
Original poster
whyohwhydoi · 30/10/2018 19:01

PS he is on birth certificate and has Parental responsibility - I am the resident parent.

OP posts:
NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 30/10/2018 19:04

If you don't trust him, don't let him take him, but perhaps you can talk to your ex about increasing contact and building to having him overnight as thats likely to benefit your son in the long term anyway.

thingywotsit · 30/10/2018 19:04

If we're me, I'd be insisting on an increasing visiting schedule. Working towards over nights and full weekends before even considering a holiday aboard.

Original poster
whyohwhydoi · 30/10/2018 19:07

Thanks both. I always thought it would just naturally progress to that but ex has only ever mentioned it a couple of times and that was when DS was a baby!!

He (apparently) works 6 days a week so would be unable to have DS anyway, unless it meant dropping him back to me at 6/6:30am the next morning.

I'm also unsure of living arrangements for overnights etc as he says he is moving soon (with gf and baby) and to be quite honest I don't know if she's gonna make things easy as she's already made quite a few comments about 'his old life' eg me and DS

OP posts:
supersop60 · 30/10/2018 19:08

I agree. 7? 10? days when he's never had him for more than 9 hours. Build up gradually, and get ALL the contact, travel and accommodation details in advance.

Original poster
whyohwhydoi · 30/10/2018 21:29

I just wish there was a simple answer to it all. I wish he'd not lied before I wish he took more of an interest but on the other hand I do kind of understand that he works - well, if that's even true who knows....

OP posts:
Original poster
whyohwhydoi · 30/10/2018 21:31

And also I know it sounds stupid but I would be afraid that I'd agree to x number of days and he'd make something up like 'oh the flight was cancelled/we missed the flight/oh we got the dates wrong' and then there would be no alternative but for him to keep him for the amount of days he wanted to anyway 

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Honeyroar · 30/10/2018 21:36

Just tell him that he needs to spend a lot more time with him in the meantime if he wants to take him.

LittleOwl153 · 30/10/2018 21:44

I think he DOES need your permission to take him out of the country. He would have to go to the court to get permission if you refused. They wouldnt automatically agree. If he doesn't already have a passport it might be worth applying for one so that your ex cannot get one for him - if you suspect he will try and take him anyway.

I would not be giving permission if he has not had him considerably overnight before hand. Not a decision you need to make now. If he is pushing you for a decision now I would say no anyway.

Ohyesiam · 30/10/2018 21:48

I think he needs your permission too. I remember something about needing a letter from the other parent when going abroad.
Sorry not to be more help

Original poster
whyohwhydoi · 31/10/2018 08:27

I thought the law was if you have parental responsibility you can take children for up to a month as long as you can prove you're returning. I might be wrong tho, I've taken DS abroad he's always agreed that's never been a problem.

He does keep mentioning it apparently he wants to book it soon 

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