Estranged sister has had a baby

[AmyJohnson19]

Hi everyone - this is my first mumsnet post so please bear with me if I don't have all the right lingo etc down yet! I'm after some advice on how I should react to the fact my estranged sister has had a baby.

I'll try to be as brief and objective as I possibly can be: the backstory is my sister and I haven't spoken since I got married two years ago. Things had been slightly strained - but completely civil - between us since she secretly married her much older, alcoholic, controlling husband after a few months of dating. My family is the type to not speak about feelings and my parents just want to keep the peace (we're a big dysfunctional family!) so I was the only one to raise concerns to my sister's (and husband's face) one Christmas - specifically about the fact he has three kids by two other women who he doesn't look after. I didn't get into the boozing or controlling behaviour but that was enough to really piss him off and he stormed out. My sister just muttering - 'you shouldn't make him angry'.

Anyway skip forward 18 months/two years and we've had other Christmas's and birthdays together and it's all been civil and - I thought - put behind us with her understanding I was just being a protective older sister. I ask her to be my bridesmaid for my wedding and she accepts: I invite her husband but only on the 'B list' (a couple of months after the first invites when we had initial numbers through) which I know is controversial but this was a tiny, intimate foreign wedding of around 30 of our closest friends and family - no plus ones at all, including for my other sister who had a boyfriend. Bearing in mind my husband had never met my youngest sister's husband and I had only met him twice in 5 years - he avoided us every time we visiting my parents house (this was before our Christmas argument) because he didn't want my sister to be around men who weren't family (!). So he was a stranger to us - plus my sister had never invited me or any of our family to their wedding at all. She said she understood but that he didn't want to come anyway and all was civil and fine. But I do accept for family politics I probably should have invited him immediately, if only to make my mum's life easier.

Then about four months later, I sent a slightly sharp text about her decision not to come to my hen do (no reason given) but ended it with love and offering to pay for her wedding flight to make things easier. That triggered an avalanche of anger from her, bringing up stuff from two years ago and how she can't believe I never invited her husband etc etc. We were both annoyed at each other and argued our points without it getting too nasty or personal. I thought it was just a sister's fight and I'd hear from her soon. And I did. But not with what I expected to hear.

Around a week later, an email popped up from her that is genuinely the nastiest message I've received from anyone in my entire life. It was coldly furious and went much deeper than my upcoming wedding: she ranted about how she had "never" considered me her sister; how her husband was more family to our family than I was; accused me of leaving behind our family when I moved to London for university and how I make 'thousands every month' while our mum struggles to pay the bills (this isn't true, on both points), and how I was basically selfish and thought I was better than everyone else and expected to get my own way all the time etc etc. I was really shocked by all of this anger I had absolutely no idea she was harbouring that dated back to me moving away to get an education and a career while she stayed at home and became a waitress. She ended her email said she was blocking me from her life and never wanted to speak to me again. I was pretty heartbroken to be honest, to hear such vile and viciousness from my own sister when I've never been anything but immensely proud of anything either of my sisters have achieved.

I was the only one to raise concerns to my sister's (and husband's face) one Christmas - specifically about the fact he has three kids by two other women who he doesn't look after.

Just wow! Not your business is it?

She ended her email said she was blocking me from her life and never wanted to speak to me again.

^^ she's made her position quite clear.

I too would open bank account and every birthday, Easter and Xmas would put in some money for baby. When it grows up you can show them what you did and hand over money. Send them a card.

I don't think you can invest everything in one card.

I agree with previous poster, don't use the card (and baby's birth) to mention your fall out. They will only take offense at that too. A normal kind message in the card is a nice guesture. and would smooth the way should you meet up again in the near future

Also, I'd ask myself What do I really want from renewing contact? Appease the relatives that are still in contact? Start making friends again? See the baby? invite her for coffee in a public place for peace talks?
What about your other relaitves, what are they doing to help mend bridges?

*relatives

Hi OP
I agree with a lot of the responses saying you can only be there for her. I also think that some people responding will (completely understandably) be from functional families and not necessarily fully understand the challenges of growing up with dysfunctional parents and in toxic relationships etc. Your sister is obviously co-dependent and in a toxic relationship enmeshed with this man. Her response to you is a result of this and the fact that she is not aware. She is not functioning on an unhealthy level of awareness or "awakeness" and this is like down to her upbringing growing up in a family that is dysfunctional in terms of expressing feelings etc.
It its hard for you managing this relationship with your sister (and added to which you my have issues yourself with this upbringing?) but you need to remember not to take it personally and the she is currently living behind the veil so to speak and has not accepted her responsibility in any of this.
I agree that her DP may have had an influence in the email and certainly that either way she is deeply influenced by him and enmeshed with him.
All you can do at this time is let her know you are there for her and her baby, and that you will always be there as her sister. This could be done by card and perhaps also an email which is less likely to be handed over to the partner to be read.
I also believe it would support you to read up on co-dependency or look up stuff online about this, as you need to de-personalise her responses and understand why she might be latched onto this awful man, and how you can manage this moving forward. My advice is to try Lisa A Romano on YouTube as a good starting point.
Good luck x

tbh I don't think you should send the card unless you're ready to admit you were wrong and to apologise. It doesn't sound like you're at that stage so that makes the card more about appearances than reconciliation and in that case I wouldn't bother.

You need to recognise that being in an abusive relationship means you do things you would never dream of doing in other circumstances. Your whole perception of the world and sens of proportion goes out of the window.

You need to recognise that message as originating from your BIL and move on.

Send a card to both of them congratulating them on the birth of their beautiful daughter. Nothing more. No requests. No dragging up the past. Just a nice card that he can't insist that she throws away.

Then, if you ever have the opportunity to let her know that you love her and will always be there for her, do that.

I hope one day she finds the strength to walk away from this awful man.

Your mother is awesome. Please make sure she knows that.

Right now he has her exactly where he wants her - alienated from her family and very dependent on him. The message you received sounds like the words of someone who has been brainwashed and manipulated into believing that her family hate her. It has controlling relationship written all over it.

What you need to do is be nice. She is in a corner and he won't let her out of it - she believes all his rubbish about you because you aren't doing anything to suggest otherwise. Send the card but don't expect her to be nice back - don't retaliate and don't argue back because that is what he wants. He doesn't want you to be friends with her. Keep being nice, eventually some of it will get through to her.

You invited your dsis to be your bridesmaid but her husband only made the B list of guests some weeks later? She should have told you to fuck right off then and there.

My DB blindsided me with a truly foul letter, 4 pages of typed A4, setting out my multiple failings as a human being. He left very little out. He said that our DM would be ashamed of me, that my marriage was a sham - it went on and on. The catalyst for this? Something my husband had done that had nothing to do with me. We have exchanged messages on Facebook, but any olive branch I have offered him has been rebuffed. By all means send a card for your niece, but you may have to just accept that you do not have a role to play in her life, as I don't have a role in the lives of my niece and nephew.

Why did they get married in secret?

Hi JessicaJonesJacket - I should have said in my original post but I have already apologised for only sending a 'B list' invite to her husband. I didn't get a response, or an apology back.

Tbh you sound like a bride I’ll expeVying them go to a forgein wedding and leave her partner, who on earth does that, then you have a go at her for not attending you’re hen do, I’m not bloody surprised she blocked you.

Bridezilla expecting*

notangelinajolie
Right now he has her exactly where he wants her - alienated from her family and very dependent on him.

but the OP has said that she is still in contact with the family just not her.

Honestly OP, she’s made her position clear. I wouldn’t bother unless you’re prepared for her to return to sender/completely ignore.

If he is as controlling as you say he is then he probably wrote the email. He has her isolated from her family. Dont take anytjing personally. Keep lines of communication open.

She is in very limited contact with the rest of my family - Christmasses and birthdays normally. They moved to another city and he doesn’t like her being on Facebook. He won’t be around my other sister when she’s with her boyfriend, it’s only my brother he’s respectful of because I think he’s a bit scared of him tbh! My family all have the same concerns I do (most of what I know actually came from my other sister and mum) and my brother says she’ll come round when she grows up (she’s only 21) and sees the controlling behaviour.

You certainly haven’t covered yourself in glory. You have told her what you think of her husband and didn’t invite him to your wedding!! Sorry he did get invited, eventually via the B list! Unbelievable, and after all this you say you are willing to forgive her if SHE apologises!!!
You are coming across as a supercilious bitch. It isn’t her husband driving a wedge between you both, you’re making a pretty good job of it by yourself.
You are the one who needs to grovel. If you get in touch now it will look like you are only doing it because of the baby (well that actually is the reason you are doing it).
One thread suggested sending a card to the baby saying “ I will always be here if you need me”. Please do not do this. With all that has gone on I suspect this would be taken as you hinting that the parents won’t make a good job of bringing your niece up and she will have to turn to you.
Whatever you decide to do, you need to have a long hard look at yourself. How would you feel if things were the other way round??? Would you just sit there and have your husband called worthless??? Plus how would you feel if your husband was put on the “B” list for her wedding. Don’t say you weren’t invited to hers, as that is a completely different situation.
She has made her choice and IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
You obviously have a very high opinion of yourself and I suspect she is not the only member of your family that thinks you are OUT OF ORDER. Personally I would be pretty pissed off if you tried to get back into my life because I have had a baby!!

I have a bad relationship with my sister too and I really sympathise with you. I totally get why he wasn't on the a list. I suspect that whatever you did, you'd have ended up in this position tbh.

It is hard to see how your relationship will change unless you can have a really open conversation together - not letter or notes. This is unlikely to happen with her husband on the scene.

By all means send a card. I think it's probably important for you to feel that you have tried. Why don't you wish congratulations and say you'd love to see them again.

I am someone who believes that there's very little which is truly insurmountable if you love someone - if there's a will, there's a way. The problem here is that your sister doesn't seem to have the will. Who knows whether that will change in the future. A card from you is unlikely to bring about change though.

A husband isn’t really a +1 though is he? Especially a husband of a couple of years.

Are you sure your sister is in an abusive relationship? I come from a split family. I am NC with a couple of family members. No way would I have wanted a card or anything from them after I had DC (do I throw the card away and for them to think I kept it or do I send the card back which then makes them think that there could be contact as I have been through the hassle of returning it)

To be honest, you really have gone about it the wrong way. You called out your sisters husband at Christmas. You literally handed him the easiest reason for him to push his wife into going NC

my brother says she’ll come round when she grows up (she’s only 21) and sees the controlling behaviour.

It sounds like your brother has a lot to learn about coercive control.

She is likely to believe that she is the reason for his controlling behaviour, that she cannot be trusted to make her own decisions and that he is the only person with the best interests at heart. He will be literally coercing her into viewing everything her friends and family say in a negative light and genuinely believing that distancing herself from you all is the right thing to do.

You have so far unwittingly provided her with evidence to back up what he is saying.

The only thing you and your family can do is keep drip-feeding positive, loving messages in ways that he won't find threatening and can't criticise.

What your sister said in that message needs to be forgotten. It is totally unimportant in this context. Just concentrate on making sure she hears that she is loved and has a way out if she decides to look for one.

Another way to look at it.
If her DH is actually controlling and alcoholic, then

• calling a spade a spade in front of him will have angered him and will have made things harder for your dsis.
• the fact they got married wo anyone from your family can be because your family is indeed dysfunctional. Or because he is trying to aleniate her her family. Which he is then managing quite well.
• and if this is indeed the case, then the thing your dsis needs most is an open door for the day she will realise what’s going on and wants to leave.
• and if the last message you had is very much out of character, then you need to wonder what sort of influence he’s had (or how much grief she got from him because he wasn’t invitted etc etc)

Basically, if you really believe this man is as bad as you say, then you have to contact her. Very gently. Send a card. Send one for the child b’day and for her b’day. Dint expect an answer. Don’t try and convince her.

Or this situation was a long time brewing and the consequences of years of ‘miscommunication’, feeling pushed away etc..
In which case, you might want to send a card. But you’ll have to do much more than that to hope for a new relationship with your dsis.

OP Send a congratulatory card to the parents. Leave it at that. Open an account for your niece, send her birthday cards and let her know when she's 18 she has some money for uni etc.