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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this all my fault?

42 replies

patsysun · 30/10/2018 14:12

I care full time for my gran who is 98.
I do it alone and she has Alzheimer's.
For the last year I've been unwell with dementia and every day has been a battle.
My gran won't get washed,she only lets me wash her face,she won't change her clothes (even tho they have stains on)
She turns her fridge off and I started shopping daily for her.
Her old fridge broke so I bought a table top fridge and put it on top of old one.
I've let things slide in regards to housework too(hovering etc)
Two months ago my gran wandered out at 1am and a neighbour found her and brought her home but rang paramedics.
They took her into hospital and when I tried to bring her home they wouldn't let me.
They said the paramedics raised some concerns along with a&e staff ..
That no food was in fridge
And her dressing gown and nightie were dirty.
I told them I did the shopping daily and explained she won't let me change her clothes etc.
No matter what I said s/s wouldn't let me bring her home and kept her in hospital for a week and nothing was wrong with her.
How is this right?

OP posts:
Original poster
patsysun · 30/10/2018 14:12

That was meant to say she has been unwell with Alzheimer's /dementia and I've been depressed.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 30/10/2018 14:14

How is it wrong?
You can't do this on your own. You said yourself that you have been unwell. Now you will both get help and support.

dementedpixie · 30/10/2018 14:14

Maybe you need to try and access more support for her to be able to be at home

Aprilislonggone · 30/10/2018 14:15

Crumbs what a big load you have undertaken op.
Sounds like through absolutely no fault of yours the situation has become too much for both of you.
Accept all the help that is offered.
It seems in your dgm best interests.
And also yours.
Flowers

Original poster
patsysun · 30/10/2018 14:16

We have been given some care nurses coming 2 x per day
We've had to undertake home visits before they even spoke about discharge.
They inspected the house etc and spoke to her and she told them I do everything and treat her well etc
It was awful and I've never been so scared in my life.

OP posts:
LIZS · 30/10/2018 14:17

Where is she now if she was admitted 2 months ago? Maybe it is time to admit defeat and get a care package sorted out, home or residential,

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 30/10/2018 14:17

What do you mean your “fault”? That she needs more help from ss? No, of course that isn’t your fault. It’s a good thing they’re helping. Make sure they give her the help she needs, for your sake as well as hers.

My gran didn’t have dementia but we did need some extra help with her so she could stay at home. There is no shame in it at all.

Original poster
patsysun · 30/10/2018 14:18

We are back home now.
It's still all playing on my mind tho and now we have s/s visiting every month and the care assistants report back to s/s.

OP posts:
Original poster
patsysun · 30/10/2018 14:18

If I hadn't of let the housework slide and made sure she changed her clothes ..I feel like this wouldn't of happened.

OP posts:
CoffeeRunner · 30/10/2018 14:20

No, this is not your fault. But SS are right - you do need help.

I work as a Senior Carer in a nursing home caring specifically for residents with dementia. It is hard, very hard, to care for someone in the advanced stages of dementia even for a 10 hour shift & with colleagues helping you. To do so alone 24/7 is virtually impossible.

It sounds as though you have done your very best & you should be very proud of yourself for that. We are professionals and we still have residents sitting in dirty clothing at times because they simply will not allow anyone to help them change.

My advice would be to welcome any help offered & try to be kind to yourself now. Your gran will be well looked after Flowers.

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 30/10/2018 14:20

Why do you think it’s a bad thing she is getting more help? It really isn’t Flowers.

Bombardier25966 · 30/10/2018 14:20

You must understand that they need to do checks when a vulnerable lady is found wandering the streets at night in dirty clothing?

Don't be scared of accepting help. They're not there to judge you, but to offer additional support where they can.

LIZS · 30/10/2018 14:20

Does it matter if the result is relieving the burden on you and she is more closely monitored?

RayRayBidet · 30/10/2018 14:26

OP, you have done your best and you cracked under the strain. Your mental health has suffered as a result.
You weren't coping.
Try to see it as positive, now some of the load is off your shoulders.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 30/10/2018 14:27

Social services aren't there to punish you. They probably won't want to take her into a residential home - places are limited and it's better for someone to remain at home if possible. What they've done is send in care workers to take some of the burden off you - I would be biting their hands off in your situation! I think it's amazing that you've managed to care for her at her advanced age without needing assistance before - there's nothing shameful about needing help in very difficult situations!

Original poster
patsysun · 30/10/2018 14:30

Thankyou
I just felt like a failure
She was crying to come home and they wouldn't let her and I felt powerless.
She's home and happy now but the guilt won't shift.
She never wants for anything.
She eats all her meals and has her afternoon tea every day,with cakes and cuppa and she has her music on every day and sings along.
I buy her a new jumper or a top every week (even tho she won't wear and keeps them for best)
Years ago there was a shop here called joplings,we used to go every week and she loved looking at the clothes.
It makes me so sad now that she has this.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 30/10/2018 14:31

Op you’ve done nothing wrong. The only thing this shows is that it take more than just one willing person to look after someone with dementia.

You wouldn’t try to set her broken leg would you? She needs the input of professionals .
Feel proud of yourself for all you’ve done for her.

Original poster
patsysun · 30/10/2018 14:32

I'm trying to keep on top of the dusting /hoovering now.
I lost all my motivation.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 30/10/2018 14:33

You need social services. No single person can take care of an Alzheimer’s patient solo. It isn’t fair to the patient and it definitely isn’t fair to you. Please look at this as a blessing and take every bit of help they will give.

dementedpixie · 30/10/2018 14:35

It's probably for the best that happened tbh even though it must have felt horrible at the time. You now have a support system in place and the burden of work is now not all in your shoulders. Try to think of it as having a positive result out of a bad situation Flowers

RayRayBidet · 30/10/2018 14:36

The fact that the nurses are coming in will give you a little bit of time to do that stuff so try to see it as a bonus.
If you are depressed then you need help too. And it is harder to motivate yourself when you feel bad.
Make sure you are looking after yourself as well, so you can be there for her.
Try and do something for you like go out and just enjoy a cup of coffee in a Cafe or go for a walk and try to notice the sky and the birds singing

LIZS · 30/10/2018 14:41

Is there a carers' support group locally?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 30/10/2018 14:47

Oh sweet lady, you need support too.. this is tough. It is not your fault and SS are there to help. Not letting her come home until there is structure in place is their job. I hope they are able to support you too.

cjt110 · 30/10/2018 14:48

May I ask how old you are OP?

You didn't do anything wrong - you have tried to manage your GM's and your own health on your own.

Try and accept any help offered. Flowers It is not a criticism of you

mumto2babyboys · 30/10/2018 14:51

It's called bed blocking. Kept in hospital while social care try to find a care home or arrange meals on wheels and home visits

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