To ask you how to approach this problem

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I have a DS who is 4 and my SIL and BIL have a DS who is also 4.

My DS is generally well behaved and is getting on really well at nursery etc. However when he is at my MIL and FIL’s house with his cousin he is fucking wild and they actively encourage it. Think just running about crazy and throwing stuff about - it is actually unbelievable and PILs do nothing but laugh and say “oh boys will be boys” I have, on numerous occasions brought up the fact that it’s out of control but I’ve resorted to just not being present. My DH takes DS round mostly.

Anyway, DS attends a class on a Friday morning. I’ve been taking him for over a year and he loves it. My SIL turned up a couple of weeks ago with her DS. I took my own son to the toilet and warned him to behave in the class. It seemed to go ok but on Friday past the instructor called me and SIL at the end of the class and said that my nephew (SIL’s DS) has been really trying hard to get my DS to go wild with him and derail the class and she is finding it hard to stop it. She said my DS (so far) hasn’t been doing anything but she doesn’t like how it is panning out. Fair enough it does my head in as well.

My MIL then texts me over the weekend to say that she thinks I should stop taking my DS to this class as my SIL needs a break and it does her DS good to get out and socialise.

I’m not quite sure what to say her, I’ve been attending this class for over a year, my son loves it and is well behaved.

What do I say to MIL? I don’t want my DH to handle it because I take him to the class and she’s texted me directly. I’d rather she got the answer from me.

Tell MIL no! How rude of her to even ask.

Say you've been going for a year, why doesn't SIL do one of these? And give suggestions for other classes.

Just tell her no way, you've been going for a year and will continue to do so. Sil can take her little devil elsewhere.

I would send back ‘so you want DS to give up something he’s been doing for a year and really loves because DN can’t behave?’ Nothing else, just that, in the hope that MIL will see how ridiculous she’s being. Any further pushing from MIL would just be answered with ‘no, DS loves going and has done nothing wrong’ on repeat.

Reply that you don't feel it would be appropriate for your DS to miss out on an activity he enjoys because of DN's bad behaviour.
You SIL needs to find another class if she wishes to socialise. Perhaps DN will behave better with a different group of children who he is not in the habit of running wild with.

I think four year olds can get a little wild when playing with their friends but you need to start putting a stop to it when they visit so it doesn’t have an impact in future.

I’d just tell her that it doesn’t work for you and DS will be at school soon, so it won’t be an issue with classes then but in the meantime he is happily settled and will be continuing.

Is SIL your MIL’s DD by any chance?

Tell her no, sil needs to look for another class

Okay I read your replies and I’m going to send the following

“Hi MIL, I’ve thought about your text and I’ve decided that DS will continue to attend his class. He has been attending for over a year and it wouldn’t be fair to stop taking him when he has always behaved at this class. Perhaps SIL should look for another class.”

Sounds perfect OP

Yes perfect and balanced response to wild CF-ery

That sounds perfect OP.

Four years old is old enough to understand that he needs to behave even if his cousin doesn’t and even if your MIL doesn’t mind.

He behaves to your standards, not other people’s.

And whatever she responds, you just keep on the same ‘Why should ds be punished because dn can’t behave’ line. She’s a cf to ask.

So I’ve had a reply from my MIL in which she told me that DS does enough classes and is very sociable and does it’s of classes and how will DN ever learn if he is the one who has to leave?

I sent her a response saying “I cannot make it any clearer that DS will not stop going to this class. We have been attending this class for over a year and my DS will not be held responsible for DN’s behaviour and will most certainly not be punished for it. I have not asked for DN to stop attending but my DS has been warned to continue to behave. If both cannot attend the class then it will need to be DN who finds another hobby.”

Perhaps this is too harsh but I am not shy and retiring

*does lots of

I wouldn’t engage any more with your MIL, surely any discussion would be with your SIL & yourself. And why the texting, doesn’t anyone speak on the phone or face to face anymore?

Out of interest is your SIL MIL’s daughter?

Both women are being unreasonable - outrageously so.

Why should your son leave his class because your nephew can’t behave. Why would his mum or grandmother think your son should miss out on a long standing class to accommodate his cousin who has only recently turned up at the class. It’s all bonkers

@ragwort

I’ve been at work all day and, quite frankly, I’ve got better things to be getting on with than engaging with MIL more than I have. I’ll probably see her at the weekend and she’ll be getting told face to face then that DS will continue.

Yeah SIL is her daughter (DH’s sister) and it’s really out of character for them to be so odd.

That’s bonkers! What silly women they are.

Wow! MIL has a lot of front. But you seem to have driven a truck into it so I’m sure it will be fine

Great replies OP.

Maybe SIL (and BIL of there is one) would be better off finding a parenting class instead so she/they can work on strategies to facilitate better behaviour in DN.

I'd have a chat at weekend. If it's really out of character then I wonder if somethings up with sil or her child.

Stick to your guns though. It's weird she's being like this

I’m glad you’re clear about your boundaries here