To not go to my close friend’s birthday event?

[blackshoe]

A close friend of mine is turning 30 in a month or so and has arranged a dinner out then drinks on a Friday. The venue is around 1h 30 away.

I’ve recently re kindled my fitness and joined a sports team. This team is playing in a knock out cup from the Tuesday to the Saturday of that week. We all have to play or the team cannot compete. So I’m signed up for that. On the Friday and Saturday are the final matches, that we have a moderate chance of reaching.

This would mean, at last minute, i may not be able to attend my friends bday.

Do I theoritcally let the team down, or do I let the friend down?

I know she will take it to heart

Difficult one. Theoretically you have a prior engagement, in that you signed up for the competition before you knew about your friend's birthday party. On the other hand, you may not reach finals anyway and be free on the Friday.

If it were my friend, I'd explain the situation and tell her that while you'd obviously love to be there to celebrate with her you don't know just now how your sporting commitment will pan out. A good friend will understand. If you have to let her down at the last minute, arrange something special just the two of you soon afterwards to make up for it.

Normally I would say friend trumps team every time but if the team can't compete without you I think maybe team trumps friend.

Does your friend have lots of people going? Can you do something nice for her another weekend to say sorry? Can you plan to go the team thing but still go the birthday if your team gets knocked out?

I think that's what I'd do, explain to friend, explain to team and hope we got knocked out early

Team trumps friend as they can’t compete without you - if you as a team made it to the Friday and you then pulled out stopping the rest of them from competing, that would be a very poor thing to do.

You’ll just have to explain the situation to your friend. You might be there, you might not. If not, you’ll take her out some other time to make up for it.

A good friend shouldn’t sulk.

Could you perhaps go slightly late.. After the team has competed?

Explain to her f you don’t make the final you will be there but otherwise you will arrange something as soon as possible?

Surely the dinner is in the evening? Go, drive, don't drink. Come home play on the Saturday if you get through. If you don't stick to your original plan and drink whatever you like

You don't say the timings of the sports stuff but I would try to do both if possible, even if you're late for your friend.

You see, I simply can't imagine a situation where I would hold it against a friend that they had a prior commitment and therefore couldn't make my birthday. Having said that, i also tend to poll my nearest and dearest in the build up to a big event to get a sense of any diary clashes to see if I can work them out ahead of time (eg I held my 40th birthday party two weeks early to accommodate the travel arrangements of my siblings and a good friend).

So you should tell friend you might not be able to make it. Arrange an alternative event with her and you and assure her that if your team is knocked out you'll be there for the main event as well, with bells and whistles on.

I would probably try and do both- failing that the dinner, but thats because I personally think the landmark birthdays are important to attend.
Did you know about her birthday plans before the contest?
Also why is the venue so far away for her birthday- is it nearer to her?

Assuming you had the sport thing first, you just need to be honest.
If people don't check dates with people before booking things, they can't complain of they can't go.

I recently had to decline a landmark birthday "do*
because of a long-standing commitment, but gave my apologies promptly and explained. She's a good friend, understood completely, and I'm attending an alternative mini-celebration instead. She was grateful not to be messed about when venue bookings were involved, (also realised the excuse was genuine). A true friend will be understanding, and appreciate that you don't want to let your team-mates down, which shows your character, and why she likes you in the first place!